Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lesson #17: Yukon Cornelius

Merry mother-effin' Christmas! Thats right you stupid chumps, I said Christmas. Not the holidays, not "tis the season", but Christmas. Burning trees, the winter solstice, the fake celebration of the birth of Jesus, that jolly coronary-risk of a man who eats all of MY cookies, and of course everyone's favorite: YUKON CORNELIUS.

Now please, please tell me that you know who this is. I have a true sadness in my heart for anyone sitting there who doesn't know about THE Christms-time badass. The Claymation Abomination, the Magnificent Miner, that sled dog running mountain of a man himself: Yukon. Picture below:

His moustache curves 5 times! His beard most closely resembles Satan's pubes!

You may know Yukon Cornelius from the time that he saved Christmas by beating the Abomidable "Bumble" Snowman with his bare fucking hands. Or maybe the time that he hurled himself off of a 1000 foot gorge, without a parachute and lived to tell the tale. Maybe he sticks in your mind for his magnificent voice, and his never ending quest for loot, which is of course the true embodiment of the spirit of christmas. Frankincense and Myrrh can suck it. Or what about the time he rode his dog sled to the Moon to save Festivus (thats right, he's involved with Festivus as well). Or maybe the time he brought peace to the middle east and eliminated world hunger.

If you DON'T know about Yukon Cornelius, you definitely aren't awesome. So lets get some solid awesomeducation underway. If you doubt anything about what I say, you are free to watch Yukon do his thing in one of his many films, adult or otherwise. One can be found here, I own it, and you should too:

Yukon Punches Santa in the FACE!

And now the reasons:

1) Epic Moustache! Seriously, did you not know that this was coming? The guy's moustache is huge, red, and covers the bulk of his face. Parts of it also extend outwards and double as melee weapons for when he is saving your ass from Ninjas.

2) Silver and Gold: This mothereffer wants it. And if you have it, he'll probably rip you limb from limb and take it from you. Don't believe me? Just look at the polar ice caps. You think those things are melting? Hell no, Yukon tore them to shit looking for Gold!

3) Guns: He has a bunch of them. A few of them were digitally removed from the film I linked above, because pansy ass hippies got all pissy about a guy kicking this much ass in a movie that kids might watch:

4) Superhuman Strength: He has the strength of 5 gorillas!

5) He's friends with Bruce Willis, who we all know to be totally awesome, and who has also saved Christmas twice himself. You know its true.

6) Dog Sled: Yukon Cornelius doesn't need a car. Cars are for lesser men, weak men. Yukon Cornelius is a God among titans, forged during an age of steel and braun, and he rides around on a sled pulled by dogs, that is capable of spaceflight! These dogs can rend steel in their mighty jaws! He high-fives Jesus and pimp slaps Satan across the face all while racing through the cosmos on his dog sled that can travel at least twice the speed of light. The laws physics flee in terror!

Holy Crap, this guy rules. And if those 6 points don't pound it into your chump face, you're hopeless and should go eat a frisbee.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. May you fight monsters and get tons of loot, just like Jesus did when he was born. Rock and Roll!


Doc Awesome

Friday, November 6, 2009

Lesson #16: BACON!

What what bitches! Its BACON. Thats right, BACON. And if you don't like the fact that I spell BACON with capital letters everytime, you're a suckbag. I do this because I must, because damnit, BACON is just that flippin' awesome. And if you thought that a Dr. pimping Kool-Aid was bad, wait till you get a greasy handful of THIS post.

Lets talk about what makes BACON so totally great in every way.

1) Smell. BACON smells. BACON smells flipping great. And the smell of this delicious salted treat is so overpowering that it permeates your entire house. BACON beats so much ass that even the microscopic molecules that escape from its greasy grasp into the air no sooner take flight than they own the face of all other scent molecules. PWNT! What the world needs is some BACON scented air fresheners. And by the world, I mean, my bathroom.

2) Salt. BACON is full of it. Salt owns because it makes everything taste delicious. By proxy, BACON will then make everything taste delicious? Don't believe me, try BACON with ice cream, or with pancakes, or with anything. BACON is even the one food that can make brocolli taste good. I wouldn't know because I never eat brocolli, because green food is for chumps.

3) Strength. BACON has a tensile strength greater than that of kevlar, steel, or even Koolinite. In fact, if the Kool-Aid Man were made of BACON, he would be even more awesome than he is now. What? Didn't think that was possible? Well check yourself, before you find that you have wrecked yourself. I am totally gangsta.

4) Radioactive. BACON is radioactive. It radiates a strange form of electromagnetic energy at frequencies so low that human beings of lesser awesomitude cannot detect. Its called BACONIC Radiation. Its affects people's brains, making them go insane and wreck up the place! It clogs arteries in that extra special delicious way, and makes absolutely no physical or logical sense. SUCK IT LOGIC!

5) BACON powers time travel machines. Like zambonis.

6) Ferris Wheel. I have decided that I am going to build one made entirely of BACON.

7) This picture:


Okay, I have to go eat now.


Doc Awesome

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Lesson #15: Pirate/Zomboni Driver

I know. You can't believe it. Here you were thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other profession other than Ninja/Doctor or Lumberjack/Commando that would ever match up. And then you read the title of this post, and your mind exploded into a glorious explosion of beer and bbq ribs.

Because thats right chumps. There is another profession that is going to make the list. Well actually, there are two, but we already covered "Pimp/Space Ship Captain" in the lesson about Captain James T. Kirk.

And I'll be honest, this is a tough post to write. Or at least it would be tough if I wasn't so flippin' great that nothing was tough for me *flex*. Because seriously, everything about both of these professions is already self evident enough that it doesn't really even need to be taught. But you chumps need it don't you? Totally.

So lets talk about whats so awesome about being a Pirate/Zamboni Driver.

1) Zamboni > Pirate Ship: Because really, what can a pirate ship do that a zamboni can't? Thats right, nothing. Pirate ships sail on the sea? Zambonis are equipped with hovercraft devices AND smooth the ice. Pirate ships shoot cannons? Zambonis shoot lazers and hot dogs. Zambonis are so awesome, that some doofus invented a beatass fighting sport called "Hockey" that could be played between zamboni rounds. Awesome.

2) Stealing Stuff Rules: as long as its a maritime hobby. Because otherwise stealing shit happens. But bitches, when you're in international waters how else are you supposed to get some booty? Pirates get mad loot, and then they bury it. Which sounds pretty damn awesome to me.

3) Babes: Think you're going to get chicks driving around in your Honda Civic or your Corvette? Forget about it. Now you pull a Zamboni up to the bar, and you're set to jet. Because when you're NOT in international waters, THATS how you get some booty. See what I did there, how I tied that together, oh man, I am totally awesome.

4) Beer: Because the ONLY time its cool to drink and drive, is when you have a sweet ass pirate name like "Black Beard" or "Jolly Roger" and you're driving a flippin' zamboni.

5) Rum: Because you have to chase your beer with something. And if there is one thing that pirates know, its rum. Plus, only Pirate/Zamboni Drivers can drink Canadian Rum:

6) Time Travel: Zamboni's can time travel.

So pretty much thats it. Now you are all educated on the most awesomest professions that ever awesomed. If you can ever manage to be one of those 3/6 professions, you're probably pretty awesome, and need not read further. But if you can't, won't, or don't understand. You'd have better read on. FACE.


Doc Awesome

Friday, September 11, 2009

Lesson #14: Lumberjack/Commandos!

So which one of you chumps thinks that you can tell me one thing that isn't awesome about being a lumberjack/commando besides the fact that it might prevent you from also being a Doctor/Ninja? Thats right none of you.

And why do you think that is? Because being a lumberjack alone KICKS TOTAL ASS, a
nd being a commando BEATS TOTAL FACE! Doubt it? Look at this guy in the picture below. Its unreal! That chainsaw is probably as big as his penis, which is undoubtedly huge and named "Redwood". But thats not the point. The point is that this guy is wearing flannel and a totally awesome hat. AND, you can't prove that he's wearing pants. I choose to believe what I am programmed to believe, and that is that he is not wearing pants at all. And he's JUST a Lumberjack. Not even a Lumberjack/Commando and already you're donezo.

And what about those glasses?! In my incredibly accurate scientific/medical/ninja opinion they have to be so large and bulky as to contain his lazer vision. Like Cyclops, except not totally sucky. Because Cyclops sucks.

But thats besides the point. What is the point is that Lumberjack/Commandos rock your face constantly. And if you want to be Lumberjack/Commando-Awesome, you need to take some lessons from the stuff these guys do every flippin' day:

1) Cut down huge fucking trees: These trees are huge. And guess what, they get their shit cut down. What do you cut down? On your morning donut intake? Probably. But while you're sucking it up in a cubicle these arborrean nightmares are launching a full scale war on trees.

2) Cut down tree hugging hippies: Because hippies suck. And can suck it. And they want to talk to trees, and pretend that trees give a shit because no one else does. But trees don't, BECAUSE THEY ARE TREES. And if one of those smelly hippies gets in front of a Lumberjack, better watch out. Because I'll wager kool-aid to water that that chainsaw will cut that hippie's shit and still have the umph for the trees. Lumberjacks: 10134, Hippies: -2.

3) Blow shit up: These guys have Grenades. Did you see that?

4) Flannel: Want to make a fashion statement? Get bent. Fashion sucks. Flannel rules. And the fact that these guys wear it in the face of every uppity Parisian aristocrat totally pwns. Gucci can suck it, I'd like to see him weild a chainsaw that big. Flannel FTW. And if their not wearing flannel, its because they are on a secret mission to kill. Watch out!

5) Guns + Chainsaws: WTF!?

6) Babes: Nothing says "I will rock your world in bed" like cutting down a 200 year old huge ass tree and then blowing shit up. Babes can't resist Lumberjack/Commandos. Hell, babes can't resist BEING lumberjacks.

7) Beards: Beards rule. They are like moustaches for your whole face! And not even hippie beards like the Beatles wore, we are talking Man-manes. Lumberjack/Commandos need them to deflect sawdust and shrapnel. If they didn't have them, they would die pretty quick. And that would not be awesome.

So thats it. Long post today, but its a pretty intense topic. PWNAGE.

Doc Awesome

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

UNIT 3: BADASS PROFESSIONS. Lesson #13: Doctor/Ninja

Alright chumps! Time's up lets do this. So you've come a long way since orientation. Now its time to get into some advanced work. Today we are going to start our BADASS PROFESSIONS unit. Up until now you have been learning who to emulate on your quest to become totally awesome. But today I am going to give you a new perspective, some direct paths to awesomeness via a specific profession.

And of course being max humble, I decided to start with the best one: Medical Doctor/Ninja. As far as I can tell this profession rules everyone's face, and kicks cats over highway bridges. Watch out! Because as if being a doctor wasn't badass enough (it is), this double profession includes totally awesome aspects of both.

Now, I can't NOT give credit where credit is due. Anyone who wants to read about a licenced physician/to kill dude, check this out: Doctor McNinja! HOLY CRAP!

Now, I am sure there are all sorts of reasons from that site that will explain why McNinja MD is totally awesome himself, but I want to explain with a broader perspective why the profession itself owns.

1) You're a Ninja. Ninjas are totally freaking sweet. If you aren't familiar with Ninjas, you probably suck a lot and should go here to get educated: NINJAS RULE!

2) You're a Doctor. Highly trained, you know how to patch up wounds, sever limbs, and you know why it hurts in your stomach when you get kicked in the nuts. You went to Med School, thats four years of education so intense that it adds an extra 2 letters to the end of your name and entitles you to prescribe kickass sounding drugs like hydrochlorothiazide. You can't even pronounce it and these guys are dealing it!

3) You are max valuable when the zombies come. And they are coming. Believe it. *shivers*

4) Surgeries you perform are with a Katana. Or, if its orthopedic, a no-dachi.

5) Throwing stars cure what ails you.

6) If a patient isn't compliant, you KILL THEM IN THEIR SLEEP!? What? Don't want to change your diet and lose some weight to control your blood sugars, well, you're probably not going to wake up tomorrow because I will have poisoned you in the night.

7) Babes love doctors AND ninjas. I know math, and that = double babes.

With that kind of incentive, who WOULDN'T want to be a Doctor/Ninja? I'll tell you who, nobody who's totally awesome. I have already gotten my medical degree, now I am working towards my apprenticeship in ninjistu. I can already kick most people right in the face, if I am staning on a chair or low table.

Well, really, there doesn't need to be any more explanation. If you feel like you aren't up to speed on this topic you've got more suck than hoover on overload and you're flippin hopeless.


Doc Awesome

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lesson #12: Dogs

Well now that the OUTER FLIPPIN SPACE unit is over, I thought we should bring things back down to earth, as in a lot closer down to earth. As in, Dogs. Now you might have thought that I meant snakes, or maybe the monsters from Tremors. And those aren't not awesome, but they ain't dogs.

Dogs totally rule. They are not only Man's Best Friend, but they are also covered in fur and get to poop wherever they want. You have to be pretty awesome to have earned THAT kind of freedom. And it goes without saying that they don't wear pants. But we've covered that in previous lessons.

So why are dogs awesome? And more importantly, how can you chumps learn How To Be Totally Awesome like dogs? Well lets list the ways:

1) Dogs are Loyal as hell!: Thats right, a dog would die for his friend. He would throw himself infront of an attacker, a car, a bear, or maybe even an elephant. Dogs are fearless protector, and as if having no fear wasn't awesome enough, they have:

2) Sharp Ass Teeth: Because really, what a best friend if he or she doesn't have some big friggin fangs to bite people's asses off when they mess with your DVD collection, or try and drink all your beer. Sick Em Duke!

3) They Have Awesome Names: Like Duke. Or Fido, or Mauler, or Winifred, or Beef Supreme, or even Microwave. I mean realy, you can't name your kids that kind of crazy shit, but with your dogs anything goes. And then, when you're wandering down the street calling out for "Microwave" everyone thinks you're crazy. Only you're not, you're actually beat ass and great, and they are chumps for not having a sweet ass dog.

4) Eat Anything: Dogs will eat anything. Including your worst enemy's face if they start to act like a swamp donkey at your party. But especially they love bacon. But who doesn't?! Bacon is delicious. So maybe a better example would be how they will eat anything else, like roadkill, or your neigbors shitty cat that keeps pissing on your patio. Suck it CATS!

5) No Pants. Its worth mentioning again.

6) Tails: They rule. They wag and sometimes knock shit over. AND, they provide endless entertainment in the form of something to chase. And even if you can't have a tail like a dog, you can get a dog that has one.

And thats probably the best part. If you are a total chump and can't act like a dog, at least you can get one. And as long as you take care of it and shit, you're way more awesome than you were before. ROCK ON!

Oh, and for the record. Small dogs suck. If a dog isn't big enough to fetch a beer, its probably just a cat in disguise. Get a real dog, or get lost!


Doc Awesome

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Lesson #11: Captain James T. Kirk

No Space Unit would be complete without a shout out to the best captain ever to have sex with tons of space babes, that captain is of course: James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise.

Captain Kirk is pretty much an ultimate badass. He has flown all the way across the known galaxy, he has battled the Kingons near Uranus. He even saved a bunch of whales. But don't think that this makes him a hippie. Oh no, because he's no hippie. He's just totally awesome.

Lets take a look at the ways in which Captain Kirk is awesome, and how you should attempt to be like him:

1) Hot Space Babes: Captain Kirk mac'ed on them all the flippin' time. Some were blue, some were green, some had oddly shaped head, and some of them probably had bizarre genitalia. Hell, a few of them might not have even been "females" in the classical sense of the term. But they were all hot like lava. BONER.

2) Bones McCoy: You know you're a fucking hero when your best friend is a doctor named "Bones". Holy Crap. Bones is Kirk's side kick on all of the coolest missions, and he is a space doctor. Now listen, I am friggin' sweet and max awesome and I am just a regular doctor. This guy is a fucking SPACE DOCTOR, and he's just a side kick to Kirk! WTF!?

3) Death Rays: Kirk shoots them all the time. Only they called them phasers. Whatever, I know a death ray when I see one.

4) Spock Sucks: And Kirk told him all the time about it. Logic? Please. The powers of Logic pale before the powers of Awesome, and Captain Kirk proved this by being right all the time, and saving Spock's green blooded ass all the time. Suck it planet Vulcan.

5) Starfleet: Lets see you graduate from it. Oh thats right, you can't.

6) Face

7) He's portrayed on the screen by William Shatner, who I have it on good authority drives a limo around with the license plate "THE SHAT" on it. Bangarang.

I don't know, I could keep going but lets be honest, you don't deserve it. You have to earn awesomeness like that, and you guys are only on Lesson #11. Get real!

And on that awesome note, we are going to close out the space unit. Thanks for playing.


Doc Awesome

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lesson #10: Chewbacca

Alright suckbags, time for a hairy slap to the face by none other than the hairiest 8' of awesome to ever cruise the stars. Thats right, I am of course talking about Chewbacca. Totally awesome. I suppose that an introduction is in order in case you have lived in a cave without a TV for the past 30 years. Chewbacca is the engineer and enforcer of the Millenium Falcon, which is almost deserving of its own post. He wanders from system to system beating everyone in the face and laughing it up all the time.

Lets list out the reasons that he is awesome:

1) Biggest Moustache EVER: Chewbacca's stache is flippin' epic. Its almost as big as outer space itself, and its certainly bigger than you. This guys stache is at least 6 feet long, and extends downward to cover his wookie nuts, something all space babes cry about constantly, because they want them bad. Except they also want his moustache, so who knows whats going on. Anyway, it also extends back around and covers the rest of his body too. EPIC.

2) Han Solo (shown above): Thats right, Chewie is so totally awesome that his freakin' side kick is Han Solo, who is in Awesome Debt to Chewie. Which means that there was this one time when Han was all drunk and dancing like a douche, and Chewie totally saved him from being embarassed and probably being himself. From then on Han always owed a great debt to Chewie and vowed to follow him all over space like a lost puppy until he could do something like that for Chewie. Which will never happen, because Wookies can hold their liqour.

3) Bowcaster: Fuck lightsabers. Those futuristic dildos are for chumps. Really? A beam of light. SUCK. What Chewie has is a fucking space gun. Except its better than a gun because it looks like a crossbow. Thats right, having a regular laser gun isn't good enough for Chewie, he needs one that is twice as awesome because its shaped like another awesome weapon. It also fires bullets and rockets.

4) Flippin' HUGE: Look at him! He's huge!

5) No pants. Wookies don't wear pants. You know you are jealous, and probably a little turned on right now. I know I am, in fact, I think maybe I should work up the guts to not wear pants ever... woah, slow down Doc, not even I am that awesome.

6) He'll Eat You: Seriously, he's a Wookie. He can rip your arms off and eat them.

So thats pretty much it in a nutshell. There is a long list of his achievements, like beating Darth Vader at armwrestling, farting on the Emperor's pillow when he was out to lunch, and banging 3/5 of Jabba's dancers as well as his Rancor... but we won't get into that right now. Because frankly, I don't know if I can handle the awesome.

So laugh it up fuzzballs. Chewbacca is totally awesome, and if you want to be totally awesome, you should try to be more like him.


Doc Awesome

Saturday, August 8, 2009

UNIT 2: OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. Lesson #9: Neil Armstrong

HOLY OUTER SPACE Batman, its our second Unit! Thats right, Unit, with a capital U. Lets talk about how you are already a little more awesome because you have completed the first unit. Or, lets face it, you're probably a lot more awesome. Because you might have sucked a lot.

But thats behind us now, and its time for our second unit. OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. And if we are going to have a unit on outer space, it makes sense that we are going to have to talk about Neil Armstrong. Because this epic badass was the first man to walk on the MOON. Thats right, the MOON. As in that ball of light that we see at night, that is hundreds of thousands of miles away. And as if it wasn't enough for this hero of heroes to look at the moon like the rest of us, he shot himself in a fucking rocket, off the EARTH, through SPACE, and walked on it. I mean seriously. What the hell?! Let me ask you, how many of you chumps were the first human beings to walk on the moon? Oh thats right, none of you. Because you're not as awesome as Armstrong.

Really, what else is this hardcore monster of a man going to do in his life that will compare to this? What can any of us do? Answer: Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been some other awesome badasses. Some Russian badasses. Then there were those guys on Apollo 13. I am pretty sure it was Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon. I saw it. Twice. Anyway, they rule too. Because space is awesome. Why is space awesome? Well its bigger than you for one thing. Plus, hot alien babes. Thats right: babes. Don't worry, more on that later in this unit. And there are black holes, from which only Mark Wahlberg can escape riding on the Trolley.

We have started with Neil Armstrong, and we will have some other entries to come. Mostly space personalities. So come back to class next time, and be prepared to have your face totally space rocked.


Doc Awesome.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Lesson #8: The Neighborhood of Make-Believe

Thats right CHUMPS, the Neighborhood of Mothereffin' Make Believe. Talk about a blast from your past. And when I say blast, I mean it in the literal "heavy firearms and anti-aircraft munitions" sort of way. Becuase today students, we are going to talk about one of the most awesome places never to exist in this dimension.

For those of you who don't know what the Neighborhood of Make Believe (N.O.M.B.) is, let me enlighten you. The N.O.M.B. is an extradimensional space, accessibly only through a portal through Mr. Rodger's house. Through this portal, the only means of transportation is a magical trolly, that we will come back to later. This other dimension is filled with fantastic and beatass creatures and personalities, one of which, featured above is so totally fucking awesome that he got the second best day of the week named after him: King Friday.

In this alternate plane of existence, time does not age you, it only makes you look like a slightly more raggetty puppet. Also, it makes you pee orange and shoot lazers out of your eyes. And there is a factory, and a merry-go-round, a huge fucking castle, a creepy old lady, and a talking owl. Thats right, as if owls didn't own enough face when they stood around all the time not talking. This one talks, and he's smarter than you. He's probably the smartest being ever to exist ever. He's almost as smart as Mark Wahlberg is awesome.

In fact, there is so much awesome stuff here, I am pretty sure I don't have time to cover it, so lets talk about the basics:

1) Trolley. Trolley is an interdimensional transportation vessel, kind of like the USS Enterprise, or my sweet ass Chevy Malibu. And you have to ride Trolly to get to the N.O.M.B.. Trolly is equipped with a warp drive, a kool-aid powered antimater warp core, and a sweet ass nuclear missle launcher (seen above). Trolly has been known to shoot stuff whenever he wants. And he only lets cool people ride him. If you aren't sure, you'd better not try.

2) King Friday. Thats right, Friday. Only one day better than that: Saturday, named after Satur, which is Wahlberg in Latin, or "Bangarang" in pirate. Anyway, King Friday is the supreme leader of the millitant order of N.O.M.B.. He is also the commander and chief of their considerable military might. He leads armies into battle like a master puppetier. All the while blasting newbs and asshats with his awesome machine gun (seen above). His bullets are made of crystal meth that he makes in the castle. But he doesn't do Meth, because drugs are bad.

3) Daniel Striped Tiger. Holy shit, its a tiger. A fucking extradimensional Tiger. In the off chance that you aren't murdered by nuclear holocaust or crystal meth bullets, you're about to have your throat ripped out by this ferocious beast. Its a talking, humanoid tiger creature akin to the Kilrathi from "Wing Commander". Dig it. And he drinks blood. I saw it once. He also lives in his clock palace, probably because he is the master of time and space. Probably.

Well I could go on forever. But I won't. Mainly because I am tired as hell from being on call.

Doc Awesome

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lesson #7: Captain Murphy

Okay all you Knights of Mars, its time that we talked about the greatest captain ever to pee in the Ocean. And of course I am talking about none other than the late and great Captain Murphy. Captain Murphy was the fearless leader of Sealab 2021, and star of a series of the same name.

A devout follower of Alvis, and founder of the Knights of Mars, Murphy was an epic beater of ass. And, he loved to sucker punch people. From making out with mops, to defeating monster Hesh, Captain Murphy swilled whiskey and swaggered in a way that only a man of his stature can.

Anyone who doesn't know who this guy is, needs to go and get bent. And then, probably, watch the show. This show reeks of awesome, and includes a cast of characters that doesn't stop rocking with the great Captain, you also get Hesh, Monster Hesh, Bizarro Stormy, Alvis, and of course: Marco, who has the strength of five Gorillas.

In case you didn't know, thats way stronger than you. And therefor better than you. But not as great as Captain Murphy.

So here's to the awesomest captain to ever awesome. He is dearly missed, and well remembered.

Doc Awesome

Monday, July 27, 2009

Lesson #6: Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so lets start by saying that just because this is lesson # 6 doesn't mean that Mark Wahlberg isn't the most awesome thing I have talked about or will ever talk about. Because it doesn't. Because Mark Wahlberg is without a doubt way more awesome than just about anything. Any by anything, I mean especially you.

In fact, Mark Wahlberg is so awesome, that I had to warm all you chumps up to his level of awesome in a step wise fashion. Thats right, John Stossel's moustache was just a stepping stone on the way to Wahlberg. Except not really, Mark Wahlberg is so totally fucking awesome, that the light from his awesomeness will take a billion years just to reach that glorious stache and illuminate its glorious bristles.

And glorious it would be.

Mark Wahlberg is the toughest mother eff'er to ever walk this earth, and the moon. Mark Wahlberg is so cool, he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Mark Wahlberg's core is so dense, that its mass is infinite, its volume is 0, and light cannot escape it. Mark Wahlberg punched Ghandi in the face, and Barrack Obama in the nuts.

And I know what those of you who suck are thinking. You're thinking: "Why does this guy think he's so awesome?!!!11!!??one!". I'll tell you why, because of this movie:

Thats right, the Big Hit. A movie of such importance, of such impact that the forces of Suck have done everything they can to bury it. Those hippies at rottentomatoes.com even gave it a 38%. 38%? Their face is 38% stupid and 100% fugly if they think this movie is only a 38%. More like, a BILLION PERCENT.

But I digress.

The point is that Mark Wahlberg owns everything. You especially. And probably your mother. He is the greatest action hero in the world and a famous lover of women and mothers. Mark Whalberg whooped the shit out of a planet of gorillas, he wtfpwnt a bunch of assassins, stole all your gold, got high and killed some other dudes, and shot Matt Damon in the face. Matt Damon can suck it. Think you're better than Wahlberg? You're not.

Doc Awesome

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lesson #5: Grimlock

Thats right chumps. Grimlock. He no Bozo, he King. Get used to it. Because Grimlock is without a doubt, totally awesome. And when I say totally awesome, I also mean totally badass.

For those of you who suck, lets start from the beginning so you can be sure that you don't miss an awesome beat in this lesson. Grimlock is the king of the Dinobots, a subset of the Autobot Transformers, the epic heroes of a sweet ass 80's cartoon that owned my face all the time.
Grimlock was created by Wheeljack, a totally sweet Indy Race Car robot man who realized that the Autobots didn't have a cookies chance in my mouth of surviving their fight with the evil and kickass Decepticons. Wheeljack in his infinite wisdom realized that he was going to need some big guns. So enter Grimlock and the Dinobots. Because when it comes to robot domination transforming into cars and stuff just doesn't hack it. They needed GIANT METAL DINOSAURS.

Well Grimlock does his job, something that no other Autobot could do. He and his goons, guys named Slag and Sludge (boner), whooped all of the Decepticons at once. Then, when they got back and Optimus Prime tried to tell him what to do, so Grimlock put Prime in his place and beat all the Autobot's asses too. Suck it forces of good. The forces of Awesome prevail once again.
Grimlock, armed with a lazer sword, fire breath, and a strength to rival the Kool-Aid man is totally unstoppable. He stomps people's faces all the time, and breathes fire.

And the best part, he doesn't give a shit what you think about anything. Because him Grimlock, strongest leader. And really, who can argue with that? I'll tell you who, nobody but Mark Whalberg. Grimlock talks like a hero, drinks like a hero, and stomps face like a hero. And if you don't like it, you can get bent.

And really, thats what being awesome is all about. Stomping everything all the time, and not caring what anyone thinks about it. Boom.

So next time you are thinking "I don't know if I should do this, people might think I'm weird..." you should just think, "How would Grimlock handle this?". The answer is probably to yell a lot, and say something like "Me _________ (insert name) no Bozo! Me awesome!".

Doc Awesome

Monday, June 22, 2009

Lesson #4: Kool-Aid


So its probably obvious to anyone with a flicker of awesomeness within them why Kool-Aid is totally fucking awesome. But just in case, I felt that this was an appropriate lesson for today. Because seriously this guy rules. Reasons:

1) The Kool Aid Man - Kool Aid is represented by one of the greatest cartoon superheroes of all time: The Kool-Aid Man himself. And thats right chumps, this guy is a superhero. Last I checked, the only way possible to slam through cinder-block walls without doing bodily harm to yourself was if you had super strength and invulnerability. Which, of course, this epic badass has. It has been said that the Kool-Aid man can lift over 42,000 x his bodyweight with one of his arms. This is probably because his arms are made of a diamond-composite bulletproof meta-crystalline compound known by some as "Koolinite". Its also because he has no internal organs, instead housing his CNS within his exoskeleton, leaving his entire inner body volume open for storage of liquid fuel: Kool-Aid, which he converts into pure energy and kickass.

From the official Kool-Aid Website it says that the Kool Aid man is 8' tall and 5' wide. Lets take that into a volume measurement for a second, I will even be generous and take 2' off for his legs, and 1 foot off of his width for exoskeleton thickness. That leaves 6x4. Thats 3164 gallons (rounded down), thats 6328 2-quart mixers... And we will come back to this in a moment:

2) Tons of sugar, all the time: Kool-Aid comes in about a million varieties, most of which call for at least one cup of sugar per 2 quarts of water. Thats right, an entire CUP of sugar. Get this, thats 774 Calories. Which means in one mixer of Kool-Aid is enough juice to keep a man running for a little over half of the waking day. Suck on that Diet Coke.

This also relates to above, because when you look at how much Kool Aid the Kool-Aid Man has in him, it works out to about 6328 mixes + sugar. Which means he has 4,897,872 Calories. Wait, did I hear that right? You did. FOUR FUCKING MILLION CALORIES. WTF?!
That means that there is enough fuel inside this epic hero to fuel around 2500 men for an entire day. B-O-N-E-R!

3) Tastes like Heaven: Pretty much Kool-Aid tastes awesome with anything. Especially with more Kool-Aid.

4) Blue is a flavor: Not a color.

5) FOUR MILLION CALORIES! WTFPWNT! I am pretty sure I should find a way to power my house with Kool-Aid.

6) Boner.

So thats it students. Thats why Kool-Aid is awesome. If you can find me another food that has a sponsor so totally awesome that he never uses a door, and breaks people's shit all the time we might have to get them added in as a lesson. But for now, the Kool-Aid man does the job. And by "the job" I mean: is totally awesome and breaks your face all the time.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lesson #3: John Stossel

John Stossel is totally fucking awesome:

Lets examine the evidence shall we?

1) Badass Moustache. Perhaps I should have covered by Moustaches are awesome in the first place. Sounds like I have another lesson planned. But lets get real here. That stache totally rocks my world. Not only do all women love it and want to play with it, but all men wish they had it. And by all men I mean mostly me.

2) Libertarian Beatdown. John Stossel gives it to liberals in the teeth everday. He stood in front of the capitol building in D.C. and told everyone to pull their heads out of eachothers asses. He then drank 3 brawndos, flexed his muscles, and caused an earthquake. I know its real because I saw it on TV.

3) Karate: John Stossel knows it. Rumor has it that he was an apprentice to Mark Wahlberg in the art of the Beatdown-fu, and that only Wahlberg's kung-fu is stronger than Stossel.

4) Tells it like it is. Because its not worth beating around the bush. The only bush beating that Stossel does is in the sack. Boner.

5) I may, or may not have a giant boner for John Stossel. I totally do. And I am not gay. He is just that awesome.

6) John Stossel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If the above evidence doesn't convince you of how awesome Stossel is, you might as well quit this course because you're hopeless. You also probably need to get your teeth kicked in by Stossel himself. You won't even know its coming. All you will hear is the soft swish of that magnificent stache as he silently stalks you, and then boooooosh, you're a toothless fool.

Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.

If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.

Introduction to Awesomeness

This is an introduction course on how to be awesome. Lets call it a prerequisite to all other lessons. What we are going to cover here is who I am and why I am awesome. We are also going to cover a little bit about the background of this shameless blog, and what it is all about.

1) Me: I am totally awesome. A recent medical graduate, I am married to a hot chick, employed, and educated. Thats pretty swizzeet, another word for awesome. Do you have to be those things to be awesome? Nope. But it sure as hell doesn't hurt.

2) Why I am doing this: Because I like helping people. Its why I went into medicine, and its why I started this blog. Some people, they just need a double shot of awesomness, and I think I am the dude to give it to them. And for cheap laughs. Mostly for the cheap laughs.

3) What this blog is: Its a guide, of sorts. I am going to post about what it takes, and what needs to be done to be totally awesome. A lot of this stuff is stuff that has happened to me or I have done. Some of it is from other people I know. Some of it is totally made up because this is the internet and I can do whatever I want.

4) Boner: Boner is a word I am going to use to describe totally swizzeet and awesome situations. Because sometimes things are so awesome, they give me a boner. And boners, are awesome. If you don't like it, you can leave.

5) Steak: Eat it, all the time. Whenever you can. And even when you can't.

6) Srsly: This is an internet blog. Grains of salt recommended to be taken with any dosage of awesomeness you receive here.

7) Try this at home: Or don't. If you get hurt trying to be this awesome, it ain't my fault.

So thats it. Thats your intro. Its all you're getting chumps. Deal with it. More to come in the days ahead. And before you know it, you'll be a lot more awesome.