Monday, June 22, 2009

Lesson #4: Kool-Aid


So its probably obvious to anyone with a flicker of awesomeness within them why Kool-Aid is totally fucking awesome. But just in case, I felt that this was an appropriate lesson for today. Because seriously this guy rules. Reasons:

1) The Kool Aid Man - Kool Aid is represented by one of the greatest cartoon superheroes of all time: The Kool-Aid Man himself. And thats right chumps, this guy is a superhero. Last I checked, the only way possible to slam through cinder-block walls without doing bodily harm to yourself was if you had super strength and invulnerability. Which, of course, this epic badass has. It has been said that the Kool-Aid man can lift over 42,000 x his bodyweight with one of his arms. This is probably because his arms are made of a diamond-composite bulletproof meta-crystalline compound known by some as "Koolinite". Its also because he has no internal organs, instead housing his CNS within his exoskeleton, leaving his entire inner body volume open for storage of liquid fuel: Kool-Aid, which he converts into pure energy and kickass.

From the official Kool-Aid Website it says that the Kool Aid man is 8' tall and 5' wide. Lets take that into a volume measurement for a second, I will even be generous and take 2' off for his legs, and 1 foot off of his width for exoskeleton thickness. That leaves 6x4. Thats 3164 gallons (rounded down), thats 6328 2-quart mixers... And we will come back to this in a moment:

2) Tons of sugar, all the time: Kool-Aid comes in about a million varieties, most of which call for at least one cup of sugar per 2 quarts of water. Thats right, an entire CUP of sugar. Get this, thats 774 Calories. Which means in one mixer of Kool-Aid is enough juice to keep a man running for a little over half of the waking day. Suck on that Diet Coke.

This also relates to above, because when you look at how much Kool Aid the Kool-Aid Man has in him, it works out to about 6328 mixes + sugar. Which means he has 4,897,872 Calories. Wait, did I hear that right? You did. FOUR FUCKING MILLION CALORIES. WTF?!
That means that there is enough fuel inside this epic hero to fuel around 2500 men for an entire day. B-O-N-E-R!

3) Tastes like Heaven: Pretty much Kool-Aid tastes awesome with anything. Especially with more Kool-Aid.

4) Blue is a flavor: Not a color.

5) FOUR MILLION CALORIES! WTFPWNT! I am pretty sure I should find a way to power my house with Kool-Aid.

6) Boner.

So thats it students. Thats why Kool-Aid is awesome. If you can find me another food that has a sponsor so totally awesome that he never uses a door, and breaks people's shit all the time we might have to get them added in as a lesson. But for now, the Kool-Aid man does the job. And by "the job" I mean: is totally awesome and breaks your face all the time.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lesson #3: John Stossel

John Stossel is totally fucking awesome:

Lets examine the evidence shall we?

1) Badass Moustache. Perhaps I should have covered by Moustaches are awesome in the first place. Sounds like I have another lesson planned. But lets get real here. That stache totally rocks my world. Not only do all women love it and want to play with it, but all men wish they had it. And by all men I mean mostly me.

2) Libertarian Beatdown. John Stossel gives it to liberals in the teeth everday. He stood in front of the capitol building in D.C. and told everyone to pull their heads out of eachothers asses. He then drank 3 brawndos, flexed his muscles, and caused an earthquake. I know its real because I saw it on TV.

3) Karate: John Stossel knows it. Rumor has it that he was an apprentice to Mark Wahlberg in the art of the Beatdown-fu, and that only Wahlberg's kung-fu is stronger than Stossel.

4) Tells it like it is. Because its not worth beating around the bush. The only bush beating that Stossel does is in the sack. Boner.

5) I may, or may not have a giant boner for John Stossel. I totally do. And I am not gay. He is just that awesome.

6) John Stossel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If the above evidence doesn't convince you of how awesome Stossel is, you might as well quit this course because you're hopeless. You also probably need to get your teeth kicked in by Stossel himself. You won't even know its coming. All you will hear is the soft swish of that magnificent stache as he silently stalks you, and then boooooosh, you're a toothless fool.

Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.

If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.

Introduction to Awesomeness

This is an introduction course on how to be awesome. Lets call it a prerequisite to all other lessons. What we are going to cover here is who I am and why I am awesome. We are also going to cover a little bit about the background of this shameless blog, and what it is all about.

1) Me: I am totally awesome. A recent medical graduate, I am married to a hot chick, employed, and educated. Thats pretty swizzeet, another word for awesome. Do you have to be those things to be awesome? Nope. But it sure as hell doesn't hurt.

2) Why I am doing this: Because I like helping people. Its why I went into medicine, and its why I started this blog. Some people, they just need a double shot of awesomness, and I think I am the dude to give it to them. And for cheap laughs. Mostly for the cheap laughs.

3) What this blog is: Its a guide, of sorts. I am going to post about what it takes, and what needs to be done to be totally awesome. A lot of this stuff is stuff that has happened to me or I have done. Some of it is from other people I know. Some of it is totally made up because this is the internet and I can do whatever I want.

4) Boner: Boner is a word I am going to use to describe totally swizzeet and awesome situations. Because sometimes things are so awesome, they give me a boner. And boners, are awesome. If you don't like it, you can leave.

5) Steak: Eat it, all the time. Whenever you can. And even when you can't.

6) Srsly: This is an internet blog. Grains of salt recommended to be taken with any dosage of awesomeness you receive here.

7) Try this at home: Or don't. If you get hurt trying to be this awesome, it ain't my fault.

So thats it. Thats your intro. Its all you're getting chumps. Deal with it. More to come in the days ahead. And before you know it, you'll be a lot more awesome.