The world is going crazy! DONALD TRUMP is our President, the Commander-in-Hair! Look at this!
This may or may not be a sign of the end times. If it is, GREAT! Let it all burn! If it isn't, aw man really what more is going to have to give? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Trump was running against the only other person in American that was worse than him:
Sweet baby Jesus that is one crazy bitch. Hillary was literally the worst. No, really. There was a giant Nation-wide contest to decide who was the worst, and who was the second worst. She lost. She lost the contest. Against Donald Trump. She fucking lost. Congratulations on being the best Hillary... at being the worst. Stupid bitch.
And that brings me to our 23rd Lesson in how to be totally awesome: Politics.
Disclosure: Politics aren't awesome. There are something like 1000 asshats in your state and federal governments that repeatedly kiss your ass election cycle after election cycle just to bait and switch your ass for the following 1.5-5.5 years until they need to be re-elected. They all lie. They all suck. Every last one of them. None of them want what is best for you, and even if they do, they are probably still societies collective shit-stains. BUT, they are necessary. To quote this guy:
(This picture was too awesome for color)
"Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others."
1: KNOW YOUR SHIT
(pictured: what you might eat if you don't know your shit)
This will surprise 99% of people. But the first thing you can do is actually know wtf you're talking about before you open your dumb mouth. Don't know how the Federal Reserve works? Don't bitch about it. Unsure what the rate of illegals crossing the border is? Then why the hell are you demanding the rest of us pay for your dumb ass wall? These issues are going to cost real money, and probably ruin real lives. The government is going to fuck someone, and if you don't know up from down and vote anyway that someone is probably going to be you. I mean - it'll probably be you anyway, but might as well improve your chances. Do the research. Read. Find websites that agree with you, then find some that don't. Then find some that teach you something you didn't even know you agreed or disagreed with. Its called knowing your shit.
2: BE PHILOSOPHICALLY CONSISTENT
(Bruce Lee, mothertruckers!)
Fun fact - most people are politically/philosophically inconsistent douche bag's who's political philosophies revolve around hero worship. Now don't get me wrong. I'm clearly a fan of hero worship (Ron Swanson, Yukon Cornelius, Captain Kirk, etc) when the heroes are worth a damn. But there is a key difference between the aforementioned legendary badasses and most politicians: consistency. Trump says he is pro-life, but then funds planned parenthood. Trump wants to repeal Obamacare, but then upholds the Obama Administrations appeal to the federal court which said Obamacare was illegal. And don't think Trump is the only one. Hillary changed her entire personality to be like Bernie Sanders, a fucking socialist loon!
(Pictured: Ben and Jerry's newest flavor: Crazy Socialist Old Fool. Its flavored like deviled eggs, metamucil, and "liking Ike".)
And really, all this bullshittery stems from one problem: top-down politics. The Government is like this crazy armed grab bag where people try to vote for what they want the world to look like - never considering that no one else gives a shit and really most people want to be left alone. And of course most people are selfish, not-awesome assholes who's version of Utopia involves every one else footing the bill for their "rights". "Rights" being whatever the fuck we decide we want other people to pay for this election cycle. People want a certain outcome. And so they vote for that outcome. The problem is voting for outcomes is stupid, and means trampling on other people, and usually on your own actual ideals. Want to be awesome? Buck the trend and make a better choice. BOTTOM-UP Politics:
3: WORK FROM THE BOTTOM UP
(If ever you're confused, just remember: drinking)
Once you know your shit, and you're determined to be consistent to your core beliefs - start at the very very bottom. What do you believe in? Me? I believe in being my fucking self. And to do that I gotta be left alone. I can't have people trampling over my right to speak, and believe whatever crazy shit I want to believe. Well FUCK. Guess if I am going to be left alone, I'll have to leave other people alone. Have an opinion different than mine? You're a dumbass turd. But you still get to voice your wrong ass opinion. Because that's consistent. And really I can take that further. I think people should be left along to pursue their lives - that means I don't tax them more than I have to, I don't pay for their shit... of course, *gasp* that means that they don't have to pay for mine either. Consistency.
Feel differently? Think everyone should just pitch in and, aw shucks, we can all live happily ever after? Go for it, as long as you realize what that means - that means everyone else gets to decide what you do with YOUR shit. And if that is what is most important to you, great, go for it. Build your system from the bottom up and go nuts dumbass.
4: REMEMBER, THIS IS AMERICA
If you ever get confused just remember that a bunch of people a whole crap ton smarter than you figured this shit out a long time ago. That's why they invented the Consti-frickin-tution. You know, that awesome thing that lets us say what we want, have awesome guns, worship who we want, drink alcohol, not drink alcohol, and then drink alcohol again! You may think you're smarter than the constitution, and maybe you are. But more likely you're a no-talent chump who doesn't know his cooter from a hole in the ground. So just look the other way and vote Libertarian already, they're never going to win anyway so at least you haven't blown it too hard.