Thursday, June 15, 2017


Whats up chumps!?  Time for another lesson about how to be awesome.  This one is sure to be controversial and piss people off.  GOOD.  If my posts piss you off you can get bent sucker!  Because I'm not here to pat you on the back and tell you everything is okay.  I'm here to reveal to you the ways of being awesome, or at the very least the ways of sucking just a little bit less.

And today we're going to talk about GUNS.

(Pictured: the finest firearm available to civilians, the Scar 17H)

That's right.  Guns.  Mankind's greatest tool for acute thoracic ventilation of those about to do you harm.  Guns are pretty tricky though, because they can go fro awesome to really sucky really fast.  And they aren't for everyone.  My 4 year old, for instance, shouldn't have a gun.  Apparently neither should Bernie Sanders supporters.  But in the right hands (re: almost everyone's) guns provide us with some pretty important options.

1:  Hunting

Never forget, that we are at the top of the food chain, and its awesome.  That means that we get to eat pretty much anything that doesn't know that it exists or doesn't have the potential to know that it exists (So everything except cetaceans, great apes, certain cephalopods, elephants, and possibly racoons).  Eating meat rules.  And the best way to eat said meat is to go out and get it yourself!

("I don't trust meat from the grocery store, it makes me nervous" -some bearded guy)

"But killing animals is wrong." ~Every stupid liberal who watched too many Disney movies as a kid where animals talked or acted like people.

See, animals aren't people.  Well, most of them aren't people.  I don't care about some animal's feelings if it can't have feelings.  The exceptions above are listed precisely because those animals CAN have feelings, and so should probably avoid being hunted.

And if you're going to hunt, I suggest you do it with a gun.  Why?  First, your best chances are with a gun.   Second, while killing animals for food is the best, there's no reason to waste all your time doing it.  You have other awesome shit to do, so you should get your hunting done quickly.  And, you might want to do it at range...

(pictured: close combat expert)

And that brings me to the second thing that guns do:

2:  Equalize.

Imagine a totally suck-tastic world for just a minute.  A world without guns.  This is easy, because for all but about 300 years of human history this is what the world looked like.  Now, imagine for a moment, that you're living in your house, with your family, and this guy barges in:

(6'9" tall, 20" Biceps, can bench two of your fatasses - oh, and his name is Halfthor, because even this guy isn't as awesome as whole-Thor)

Scary right?  It is.  Because unless you're an ultimate martial arts badass, chances are that without a gun someone as big as Halfthor up there is going to do whatever he wants with you.    And while most people are typically good - the dude barging into your house/hut/cave uninvited probably isn't.  And for all of human history, guys like that got to do whatever they wanted.  But not anymore, why?  Because even a "Mountain who Rides" will think twice before facing down a few of these:


Firearms make small men large.  And that is a good thing.  Sure, a villain with a gun could come into your home as well.  At least if you have a firearm yourself you're still up a leg from being on home turf. Not just actually having a gun and using either, but the threat of a gun is often enough to make someone think twice.  Good people having guns does mean that some bad people will have guns too.  After all, maybe you're the villain.  That is a price I'm willing to pay for equalization.

3:  Freedom

Ooh, this one is great.  See, guns are fucking awesome because I have a God-given right to have one.  My ancestors bit, kicked, shot, and bled for me to be here today, at the top of the goddamn heap.  And thanks to them and a consti-fucking-tution that recognizes God-given rights I get to own guns.  Not all guns, its true.  And that sucks.  But the guns I get to have are still pretty awesome, and enough to make even the fascists in central government think twice before fucking with the entire population.  Guns buy freedom.  Yeah, I'm no trained soldier.  And I don't stand a chance against a drone strike.  If Big Brother comes a knocking for me specifically, its going to be tough times for ol' Doc Awesome.  But it isn't just me with guns, its 31% of us.  Is revolution likely?  No.  But never forget who our leader is, and who it almost was.  History is rife with the bodies of people who thought "that could never happen here".

(Avoids referencing Hitler = internet victory is mine!)

4:  Pissing off stupid chumps.

This might be the best part.  Wait, no, killing giant hogs and making bacon is the best part. WAIT, no, freedom is the best part.  Eff, there is so much awesome about guns that I can't decide what the best part is.  Its all great.  But especially the fact that being one of the 31% of households cheezes a lot of idiots off.

(pictured: another awesome Doctor)

Guns are great because they are controversial.  Watching statists sputter and bluster over the fact that I have the exercised right to fire pieces of brass and lead downrange at 2800fps is just too much fun to give up.  People who suck will never get it, and its hilarious.  Every last one of them can kiss my ass and chordle my nuts.  Most of them don't have the cajones to even hold a firearm, let alone try firing one.  Don't worry, for those asshats there is always Nerf.

(pictured: my childhood)

That is all for today.  At least in terms of lessons.  I am sure that a ton of stupid people are going to have shitty stupid opinions about guns.  Remember, thats one of the best things about them.  And I am sure that some fool will likely do something completely not-awesome with guns in the future.  It'll happen, just wait for it.  But it isn't because their guns, or their right to have guns.  Its because they suck.  I hope I never have to fire my gun at another person.  Firing a gun at a person would be the second worst thing in the world... right behind letting that shithead do whatever they were going to do that made you shoot them.


Doc Awesome

Monday, May 22, 2017


The world is going crazy!  DONALD TRUMP is our President, the Commander-in-Hair!  Look at this!

(Expletive Deleted)

This may or may not be a sign of the end times.  If it is, GREAT!  Let it all burn!  If it isn't, aw man really what more is going to have to give?  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.   Trump was running against the only other person in American that was worse than him:


Sweet baby Jesus that is one crazy bitch.  Hillary was literally the worst.  No, really.  There was a giant Nation-wide contest to decide who was the worst, and who was the second worst.  She lost.  She lost the contest.  Against Donald Trump.  She fucking lost.  Congratulations on being the best Hillary... at being the worst.  Stupid bitch.

And that brings me to our 23rd Lesson in how to be totally awesome: Politics.

Disclosure: Politics aren't awesome.  There are something like 1000 asshats in your state and federal governments that repeatedly kiss your ass election cycle after election cycle just to bait and switch your ass for the following 1.5-5.5 years until they need to be re-elected.  They all lie.  They all suck.  Every last one of them.  None of them want what is best for you, and even if they do, they are probably still societies collective shit-stains.  BUT, they are necessary.  To quote this guy:

(This picture was too awesome for color)

"Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others."

That sums it about it.  Democracy blows.  Mostly because almost everyone in America sucks butt and doesn't read this blog.  But not you: you're chin deep in the Awesome curriculum.  So lets get down to the brass tacks and figure out how we can bring a little Awesome to the Dumpster Fire that is modern politics.


(pictured: what you might eat if you don't know your shit)

This will surprise 99% of people.  But the first thing you can do is actually know wtf you're talking about before you open your dumb mouth.  Don't know how the Federal Reserve works?  Don't bitch about it.  Unsure what the rate of illegals crossing the border is?  Then why the hell are you demanding the rest of us pay for your dumb ass wall?  These issues are going to cost real money, and probably ruin real lives.  The government is going to fuck someone, and if you don't know up from down and vote anyway that someone is probably going to be you.  I mean - it'll probably be you anyway, but might as well improve your chances.  Do the research.  Read.  Find websites that agree with you, then find some that don't.  Then find some that teach you something you didn't even know you agreed or disagreed with.  Its called knowing your shit.


(Bruce Lee, mothertruckers!)

Fun fact - most people are politically/philosophically inconsistent douche bag's who's political philosophies revolve around hero worship.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'm clearly a fan of hero worship (Ron SwansonYukon CorneliusCaptain Kirk, etc) when the heroes are worth a damn.  But there is a key difference between the aforementioned legendary badasses and most politicians: consistency.  Trump says he is pro-life, but then funds planned parenthood.  Trump wants to repeal Obamacare, but then upholds the Obama Administrations appeal to the federal court which said Obamacare was illegal.  And don't think Trump is the only one.  Hillary changed her entire personality to be like Bernie Sanders, a fucking socialist loon!

(Pictured: Ben and Jerry's newest flavor: Crazy Socialist Old Fool.  Its flavored like deviled eggs, metamucil, and "liking Ike".)

And really, all this bullshittery stems from one problem: top-down politics.  The Government is like this crazy armed grab bag where people try to vote for what they want the world to look like - never considering that no one else gives a shit and really most people want to be left alone.  And of course most people are selfish, not-awesome assholes who's version of Utopia involves every one else footing the bill for their "rights".  "Rights" being whatever the fuck we decide we want other people to pay for this election cycle.  People want a certain outcome.  And so they vote for that outcome.  The problem is voting for outcomes is stupid, and means trampling on other people, and usually on your own actual ideals.  Want to be awesome?  Buck the trend and make a better choice.  BOTTOM-UP Politics:


(If ever you're confused, just remember: drinking)

Once you know your shit, and you're determined to be consistent to your core beliefs - start at the very very bottom.  What do you believe in?  Me?  I believe in being my fucking self.  And to do that I gotta be left alone.  I can't have people trampling over my right to speak, and believe whatever crazy shit I want to believe.  Well FUCK.  Guess if I am going to be left alone, I'll have to leave other people alone.  Have an opinion different than mine?  You're a dumbass turd.  But you still get to voice your wrong ass opinion.  Because that's consistent. And really I can take that further.  I think people should be left along to pursue their lives - that means I don't tax them more than I have to, I don't pay for their shit... of course, *gasp* that means that they don't have to pay for mine either.  Consistency.

Feel differently?  Think everyone should just pitch in and, aw shucks, we can all live happily ever after?  Go for it, as long as you realize what that means - that means everyone else gets to decide what you do with YOUR shit.  And if that is what is most important to you, great, go for it.  Build your system from the bottom up and go nuts dumbass.


(Pictured: Freedom)
If you ever get confused just remember that a bunch of people a whole crap ton smarter than you figured this shit out a long time ago.  That's why they invented the Consti-frickin-tution.  You know, that awesome thing that lets us say what we want, have awesome guns, worship who we want, drink alcohol, not drink alcohol, and then drink alcohol again!  You may think you're smarter than the constitution, and maybe you are.  But more likely you're a no-talent chump who doesn't know his cooter from a hole in the ground.  So just look the other way and vote Libertarian already, they're never going to win anyway so at least you haven't blown it too hard.

Bangarang fools!

Doc Awesome