Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
No Space Unit would be complete without a shout out to the best captain ever to have sex with tons of space babes, that captain is of course: James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise.
Captain Kirk is pretty much an ultimate badass. He has flown all the way across the known galaxy, he has battled the Kingons near Uranus. He even saved a bunch of whales. But don't think that this makes him a hippie. Oh no, because he's no hippie. He's just totally awesome.
Lets take a look at the ways in which Captain Kirk is awesome, and how you should attempt to be like him:
1) Hot Space Babes: Captain Kirk mac'ed on them all the flippin' time. Some were blue, some were green, some had oddly shaped head, and some of them probably had bizarre genitalia. Hell, a few of them might not have even been "females" in the classical sense of the term. But they were all hot like lava. BONER.
2) Bones McCoy: You know you're a fucking hero when your best friend is a doctor named "Bones". Holy Crap. Bones is Kirk's side kick on all of the coolest missions, and he is a space doctor. Now listen, I am friggin' sweet and max awesome and I am just a regular doctor. This guy is a fucking SPACE DOCTOR, and he's just a side kick to Kirk! WTF!?
3) Death Rays: Kirk shoots them all the time. Only they called them phasers. Whatever, I know a death ray when I see one.
4) Spock Sucks: And Kirk told him all the time about it. Logic? Please. The powers of Logic pale before the powers of Awesome, and Captain Kirk proved this by being right all the time, and saving Spock's green blooded ass all the time. Suck it planet Vulcan.
5) Starfleet: Lets see you graduate from it. Oh thats right, you can't.
7) He's portrayed on the screen by William Shatner, who I have it on good authority drives a limo around with the license plate "THE SHAT" on it. Bangarang.
I don't know, I could keep going but lets be honest, you don't deserve it. You have to earn awesomeness like that, and you guys are only on Lesson #11. Get real!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
But thats behind us now, and its time for our second unit. OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. And if we are going to have a unit on outer space, it makes sense that we are going to have to talk about Neil Armstrong. Because this epic badass was the first man to walk on the MOON. Thats right, the MOON. As in that ball of light that we see at night, that is hundreds of thousands of miles away. And as if it wasn't enough for this hero of heroes to look at the moon like the rest of us, he shot himself in a fucking rocket, off the EARTH, through SPACE, and walked on it. I mean seriously. What the hell?! Let me ask you, how many of you chumps were the first human beings to walk on the moon? Oh thats right, none of you. Because you're not as awesome as Armstrong.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Thats right CHUMPS, the Neighborhood of Mothereffin' Make Believe. Talk about a blast from your past. And when I say blast, I mean it in the literal "heavy firearms and anti-aircraft munitions" sort of way. Becuase today students, we are going to talk about one of the most awesome places never to exist in this dimension.
For those of you who don't know what the Neighborhood of Make Believe (N.O.M.B.) is, let me enlighten you. The N.O.M.B. is an extradimensional space, accessibly only through a portal through Mr. Rodger's house. Through this portal, the only means of transportation is a magical trolly, that we will come back to later. This other dimension is filled with fantastic and beatass creatures and personalities, one of which, featured above is so totally fucking awesome that he got the second best day of the week named after him: King Friday.
In this alternate plane of existence, time does not age you, it only makes you look like a slightly more raggetty puppet. Also, it makes you pee orange and shoot lazers out of your eyes. And there is a factory, and a merry-go-round, a huge fucking castle, a creepy old lady, and a talking owl. Thats right, as if owls didn't own enough face when they stood around all the time not talking. This one talks, and he's smarter than you. He's probably the smartest being ever to exist ever. He's almost as smart as Mark Wahlberg is awesome.
In fact, there is so much awesome stuff here, I am pretty sure I don't have time to cover it, so lets talk about the basics:
1) Trolley. Trolley is an interdimensional transportation vessel, kind of like the USS Enterprise, or my sweet ass Chevy Malibu. And you have to ride Trolly to get to the N.O.M.B.. Trolly is equipped with a warp drive, a kool-aid powered antimater warp core, and a sweet ass nuclear missle launcher (seen above). Trolly has been known to shoot stuff whenever he wants. And he only lets cool people ride him. If you aren't sure, you'd better not try.
2) King Friday. Thats right, Friday. Only one day better than that: Saturday, named after Satur, which is Wahlberg in Latin, or "Bangarang" in pirate. Anyway, King Friday is the supreme leader of the millitant order of N.O.M.B.. He is also the commander and chief of their considerable military might. He leads armies into battle like a master puppetier. All the while blasting newbs and asshats with his awesome machine gun (seen above). His bullets are made of crystal meth that he makes in the castle. But he doesn't do Meth, because drugs are bad.
3) Daniel Striped Tiger. Holy shit, its a tiger. A fucking extradimensional Tiger. In the off chance that you aren't murdered by nuclear holocaust or crystal meth bullets, you're about to have your throat ripped out by this ferocious beast. Its a talking, humanoid tiger creature akin to the Kilrathi from "Wing Commander". Dig it. And he drinks blood. I saw it once. He also lives in his clock palace, probably because he is the master of time and space. Probably.
Well I could go on forever. But I won't. Mainly because I am tired as hell from being on call.