Wednesday, August 26, 2009

UNIT 3: BADASS PROFESSIONS. Lesson #13: Doctor/Ninja

Alright chumps! Time's up lets do this. So you've come a long way since orientation. Now its time to get into some advanced work. Today we are going to start our BADASS PROFESSIONS unit. Up until now you have been learning who to emulate on your quest to become totally awesome. But today I am going to give you a new perspective, some direct paths to awesomeness via a specific profession.

And of course being max humble, I decided to start with the best one: Medical Doctor/Ninja. As far as I can tell this profession rules everyone's face, and kicks cats over highway bridges. Watch out! Because as if being a doctor wasn't badass enough (it is), this double profession includes totally awesome aspects of both.

Now, I can't NOT give credit where credit is due. Anyone who wants to read about a licenced physician/to kill dude, check this out: Doctor McNinja! HOLY CRAP!

Now, I am sure there are all sorts of reasons from that site that will explain why McNinja MD is totally awesome himself, but I want to explain with a broader perspective why the profession itself owns.

1) You're a Ninja. Ninjas are totally freaking sweet. If you aren't familiar with Ninjas, you probably suck a lot and should go here to get educated: NINJAS RULE!

2) You're a Doctor. Highly trained, you know how to patch up wounds, sever limbs, and you know why it hurts in your stomach when you get kicked in the nuts. You went to Med School, thats four years of education so intense that it adds an extra 2 letters to the end of your name and entitles you to prescribe kickass sounding drugs like hydrochlorothiazide. You can't even pronounce it and these guys are dealing it!

3) You are max valuable when the zombies come. And they are coming. Believe it. *shivers*

4) Surgeries you perform are with a Katana. Or, if its orthopedic, a no-dachi.

5) Throwing stars cure what ails you.

6) If a patient isn't compliant, you KILL THEM IN THEIR SLEEP!? What? Don't want to change your diet and lose some weight to control your blood sugars, well, you're probably not going to wake up tomorrow because I will have poisoned you in the night.

7) Babes love doctors AND ninjas. I know math, and that = double babes.

With that kind of incentive, who WOULDN'T want to be a Doctor/Ninja? I'll tell you who, nobody who's totally awesome. I have already gotten my medical degree, now I am working towards my apprenticeship in ninjistu. I can already kick most people right in the face, if I am staning on a chair or low table.

Well, really, there doesn't need to be any more explanation. If you feel like you aren't up to speed on this topic you've got more suck than hoover on overload and you're flippin hopeless.


Doc Awesome

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lesson #12: Dogs

Well now that the OUTER FLIPPIN SPACE unit is over, I thought we should bring things back down to earth, as in a lot closer down to earth. As in, Dogs. Now you might have thought that I meant snakes, or maybe the monsters from Tremors. And those aren't not awesome, but they ain't dogs.

Dogs totally rule. They are not only Man's Best Friend, but they are also covered in fur and get to poop wherever they want. You have to be pretty awesome to have earned THAT kind of freedom. And it goes without saying that they don't wear pants. But we've covered that in previous lessons.

So why are dogs awesome? And more importantly, how can you chumps learn How To Be Totally Awesome like dogs? Well lets list the ways:

1) Dogs are Loyal as hell!: Thats right, a dog would die for his friend. He would throw himself infront of an attacker, a car, a bear, or maybe even an elephant. Dogs are fearless protector, and as if having no fear wasn't awesome enough, they have:

2) Sharp Ass Teeth: Because really, what a best friend if he or she doesn't have some big friggin fangs to bite people's asses off when they mess with your DVD collection, or try and drink all your beer. Sick Em Duke!

3) They Have Awesome Names: Like Duke. Or Fido, or Mauler, or Winifred, or Beef Supreme, or even Microwave. I mean realy, you can't name your kids that kind of crazy shit, but with your dogs anything goes. And then, when you're wandering down the street calling out for "Microwave" everyone thinks you're crazy. Only you're not, you're actually beat ass and great, and they are chumps for not having a sweet ass dog.

4) Eat Anything: Dogs will eat anything. Including your worst enemy's face if they start to act like a swamp donkey at your party. But especially they love bacon. But who doesn't?! Bacon is delicious. So maybe a better example would be how they will eat anything else, like roadkill, or your neigbors shitty cat that keeps pissing on your patio. Suck it CATS!

5) No Pants. Its worth mentioning again.

6) Tails: They rule. They wag and sometimes knock shit over. AND, they provide endless entertainment in the form of something to chase. And even if you can't have a tail like a dog, you can get a dog that has one.

And thats probably the best part. If you are a total chump and can't act like a dog, at least you can get one. And as long as you take care of it and shit, you're way more awesome than you were before. ROCK ON!

Oh, and for the record. Small dogs suck. If a dog isn't big enough to fetch a beer, its probably just a cat in disguise. Get a real dog, or get lost!


Doc Awesome

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Lesson #11: Captain James T. Kirk

No Space Unit would be complete without a shout out to the best captain ever to have sex with tons of space babes, that captain is of course: James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise.

Captain Kirk is pretty much an ultimate badass. He has flown all the way across the known galaxy, he has battled the Kingons near Uranus. He even saved a bunch of whales. But don't think that this makes him a hippie. Oh no, because he's no hippie. He's just totally awesome.

Lets take a look at the ways in which Captain Kirk is awesome, and how you should attempt to be like him:

1) Hot Space Babes: Captain Kirk mac'ed on them all the flippin' time. Some were blue, some were green, some had oddly shaped head, and some of them probably had bizarre genitalia. Hell, a few of them might not have even been "females" in the classical sense of the term. But they were all hot like lava. BONER.

2) Bones McCoy: You know you're a fucking hero when your best friend is a doctor named "Bones". Holy Crap. Bones is Kirk's side kick on all of the coolest missions, and he is a space doctor. Now listen, I am friggin' sweet and max awesome and I am just a regular doctor. This guy is a fucking SPACE DOCTOR, and he's just a side kick to Kirk! WTF!?

3) Death Rays: Kirk shoots them all the time. Only they called them phasers. Whatever, I know a death ray when I see one.

4) Spock Sucks: And Kirk told him all the time about it. Logic? Please. The powers of Logic pale before the powers of Awesome, and Captain Kirk proved this by being right all the time, and saving Spock's green blooded ass all the time. Suck it planet Vulcan.

5) Starfleet: Lets see you graduate from it. Oh thats right, you can't.

6) Face

7) He's portrayed on the screen by William Shatner, who I have it on good authority drives a limo around with the license plate "THE SHAT" on it. Bangarang.

I don't know, I could keep going but lets be honest, you don't deserve it. You have to earn awesomeness like that, and you guys are only on Lesson #11. Get real!

And on that awesome note, we are going to close out the space unit. Thanks for playing.


Doc Awesome

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lesson #10: Chewbacca

Alright suckbags, time for a hairy slap to the face by none other than the hairiest 8' of awesome to ever cruise the stars. Thats right, I am of course talking about Chewbacca. Totally awesome. I suppose that an introduction is in order in case you have lived in a cave without a TV for the past 30 years. Chewbacca is the engineer and enforcer of the Millenium Falcon, which is almost deserving of its own post. He wanders from system to system beating everyone in the face and laughing it up all the time.

Lets list out the reasons that he is awesome:

1) Biggest Moustache EVER: Chewbacca's stache is flippin' epic. Its almost as big as outer space itself, and its certainly bigger than you. This guys stache is at least 6 feet long, and extends downward to cover his wookie nuts, something all space babes cry about constantly, because they want them bad. Except they also want his moustache, so who knows whats going on. Anyway, it also extends back around and covers the rest of his body too. EPIC.

2) Han Solo (shown above): Thats right, Chewie is so totally awesome that his freakin' side kick is Han Solo, who is in Awesome Debt to Chewie. Which means that there was this one time when Han was all drunk and dancing like a douche, and Chewie totally saved him from being embarassed and probably being himself. From then on Han always owed a great debt to Chewie and vowed to follow him all over space like a lost puppy until he could do something like that for Chewie. Which will never happen, because Wookies can hold their liqour.

3) Bowcaster: Fuck lightsabers. Those futuristic dildos are for chumps. Really? A beam of light. SUCK. What Chewie has is a fucking space gun. Except its better than a gun because it looks like a crossbow. Thats right, having a regular laser gun isn't good enough for Chewie, he needs one that is twice as awesome because its shaped like another awesome weapon. It also fires bullets and rockets.

4) Flippin' HUGE: Look at him! He's huge!

5) No pants. Wookies don't wear pants. You know you are jealous, and probably a little turned on right now. I know I am, in fact, I think maybe I should work up the guts to not wear pants ever... woah, slow down Doc, not even I am that awesome.

6) He'll Eat You: Seriously, he's a Wookie. He can rip your arms off and eat them.

So thats pretty much it in a nutshell. There is a long list of his achievements, like beating Darth Vader at armwrestling, farting on the Emperor's pillow when he was out to lunch, and banging 3/5 of Jabba's dancers as well as his Rancor... but we won't get into that right now. Because frankly, I don't know if I can handle the awesome.

So laugh it up fuzzballs. Chewbacca is totally awesome, and if you want to be totally awesome, you should try to be more like him.


Doc Awesome

Saturday, August 8, 2009

UNIT 2: OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. Lesson #9: Neil Armstrong

HOLY OUTER SPACE Batman, its our second Unit! Thats right, Unit, with a capital U. Lets talk about how you are already a little more awesome because you have completed the first unit. Or, lets face it, you're probably a lot more awesome. Because you might have sucked a lot.

But thats behind us now, and its time for our second unit. OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. And if we are going to have a unit on outer space, it makes sense that we are going to have to talk about Neil Armstrong. Because this epic badass was the first man to walk on the MOON. Thats right, the MOON. As in that ball of light that we see at night, that is hundreds of thousands of miles away. And as if it wasn't enough for this hero of heroes to look at the moon like the rest of us, he shot himself in a fucking rocket, off the EARTH, through SPACE, and walked on it. I mean seriously. What the hell?! Let me ask you, how many of you chumps were the first human beings to walk on the moon? Oh thats right, none of you. Because you're not as awesome as Armstrong.

Really, what else is this hardcore monster of a man going to do in his life that will compare to this? What can any of us do? Answer: Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been some other awesome badasses. Some Russian badasses. Then there were those guys on Apollo 13. I am pretty sure it was Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon. I saw it. Twice. Anyway, they rule too. Because space is awesome. Why is space awesome? Well its bigger than you for one thing. Plus, hot alien babes. Thats right: babes. Don't worry, more on that later in this unit. And there are black holes, from which only Mark Wahlberg can escape riding on the Trolley.

We have started with Neil Armstrong, and we will have some other entries to come. Mostly space personalities. So come back to class next time, and be prepared to have your face totally space rocked.


Doc Awesome.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Lesson #8: The Neighborhood of Make-Believe

Thats right CHUMPS, the Neighborhood of Mothereffin' Make Believe. Talk about a blast from your past. And when I say blast, I mean it in the literal "heavy firearms and anti-aircraft munitions" sort of way. Becuase today students, we are going to talk about one of the most awesome places never to exist in this dimension.

For those of you who don't know what the Neighborhood of Make Believe (N.O.M.B.) is, let me enlighten you. The N.O.M.B. is an extradimensional space, accessibly only through a portal through Mr. Rodger's house. Through this portal, the only means of transportation is a magical trolly, that we will come back to later. This other dimension is filled with fantastic and beatass creatures and personalities, one of which, featured above is so totally fucking awesome that he got the second best day of the week named after him: King Friday.

In this alternate plane of existence, time does not age you, it only makes you look like a slightly more raggetty puppet. Also, it makes you pee orange and shoot lazers out of your eyes. And there is a factory, and a merry-go-round, a huge fucking castle, a creepy old lady, and a talking owl. Thats right, as if owls didn't own enough face when they stood around all the time not talking. This one talks, and he's smarter than you. He's probably the smartest being ever to exist ever. He's almost as smart as Mark Wahlberg is awesome.

In fact, there is so much awesome stuff here, I am pretty sure I don't have time to cover it, so lets talk about the basics:

1) Trolley. Trolley is an interdimensional transportation vessel, kind of like the USS Enterprise, or my sweet ass Chevy Malibu. And you have to ride Trolly to get to the N.O.M.B.. Trolly is equipped with a warp drive, a kool-aid powered antimater warp core, and a sweet ass nuclear missle launcher (seen above). Trolly has been known to shoot stuff whenever he wants. And he only lets cool people ride him. If you aren't sure, you'd better not try.

2) King Friday. Thats right, Friday. Only one day better than that: Saturday, named after Satur, which is Wahlberg in Latin, or "Bangarang" in pirate. Anyway, King Friday is the supreme leader of the millitant order of N.O.M.B.. He is also the commander and chief of their considerable military might. He leads armies into battle like a master puppetier. All the while blasting newbs and asshats with his awesome machine gun (seen above). His bullets are made of crystal meth that he makes in the castle. But he doesn't do Meth, because drugs are bad.

3) Daniel Striped Tiger. Holy shit, its a tiger. A fucking extradimensional Tiger. In the off chance that you aren't murdered by nuclear holocaust or crystal meth bullets, you're about to have your throat ripped out by this ferocious beast. Its a talking, humanoid tiger creature akin to the Kilrathi from "Wing Commander". Dig it. And he drinks blood. I saw it once. He also lives in his clock palace, probably because he is the master of time and space. Probably.

Well I could go on forever. But I won't. Mainly because I am tired as hell from being on call.

Doc Awesome