Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lesson #7: Captain Murphy

Okay all you Knights of Mars, its time that we talked about the greatest captain ever to pee in the Ocean. And of course I am talking about none other than the late and great Captain Murphy. Captain Murphy was the fearless leader of Sealab 2021, and star of a series of the same name.

A devout follower of Alvis, and founder of the Knights of Mars, Murphy was an epic beater of ass. And, he loved to sucker punch people. From making out with mops, to defeating monster Hesh, Captain Murphy swilled whiskey and swaggered in a way that only a man of his stature can.

Anyone who doesn't know who this guy is, needs to go and get bent. And then, probably, watch the show. This show reeks of awesome, and includes a cast of characters that doesn't stop rocking with the great Captain, you also get Hesh, Monster Hesh, Bizarro Stormy, Alvis, and of course: Marco, who has the strength of five Gorillas.

In case you didn't know, thats way stronger than you. And therefor better than you. But not as great as Captain Murphy.

So here's to the awesomest captain to ever awesome. He is dearly missed, and well remembered.

Doc Awesome

Monday, July 27, 2009

Lesson #6: Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so lets start by saying that just because this is lesson # 6 doesn't mean that Mark Wahlberg isn't the most awesome thing I have talked about or will ever talk about. Because it doesn't. Because Mark Wahlberg is without a doubt way more awesome than just about anything. Any by anything, I mean especially you.

In fact, Mark Wahlberg is so awesome, that I had to warm all you chumps up to his level of awesome in a step wise fashion. Thats right, John Stossel's moustache was just a stepping stone on the way to Wahlberg. Except not really, Mark Wahlberg is so totally fucking awesome, that the light from his awesomeness will take a billion years just to reach that glorious stache and illuminate its glorious bristles.

And glorious it would be.

Mark Wahlberg is the toughest mother eff'er to ever walk this earth, and the moon. Mark Wahlberg is so cool, he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Mark Wahlberg's core is so dense, that its mass is infinite, its volume is 0, and light cannot escape it. Mark Wahlberg punched Ghandi in the face, and Barrack Obama in the nuts.

And I know what those of you who suck are thinking. You're thinking: "Why does this guy think he's so awesome?!!!11!!??one!". I'll tell you why, because of this movie:

Thats right, the Big Hit. A movie of such importance, of such impact that the forces of Suck have done everything they can to bury it. Those hippies at rottentomatoes.com even gave it a 38%. 38%? Their face is 38% stupid and 100% fugly if they think this movie is only a 38%. More like, a BILLION PERCENT.

But I digress.

The point is that Mark Wahlberg owns everything. You especially. And probably your mother. He is the greatest action hero in the world and a famous lover of women and mothers. Mark Whalberg whooped the shit out of a planet of gorillas, he wtfpwnt a bunch of assassins, stole all your gold, got high and killed some other dudes, and shot Matt Damon in the face. Matt Damon can suck it. Think you're better than Wahlberg? You're not.

Doc Awesome

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lesson #5: Grimlock

Thats right chumps. Grimlock. He no Bozo, he King. Get used to it. Because Grimlock is without a doubt, totally awesome. And when I say totally awesome, I also mean totally badass.

For those of you who suck, lets start from the beginning so you can be sure that you don't miss an awesome beat in this lesson. Grimlock is the king of the Dinobots, a subset of the Autobot Transformers, the epic heroes of a sweet ass 80's cartoon that owned my face all the time.
Grimlock was created by Wheeljack, a totally sweet Indy Race Car robot man who realized that the Autobots didn't have a cookies chance in my mouth of surviving their fight with the evil and kickass Decepticons. Wheeljack in his infinite wisdom realized that he was going to need some big guns. So enter Grimlock and the Dinobots. Because when it comes to robot domination transforming into cars and stuff just doesn't hack it. They needed GIANT METAL DINOSAURS.

Well Grimlock does his job, something that no other Autobot could do. He and his goons, guys named Slag and Sludge (boner), whooped all of the Decepticons at once. Then, when they got back and Optimus Prime tried to tell him what to do, so Grimlock put Prime in his place and beat all the Autobot's asses too. Suck it forces of good. The forces of Awesome prevail once again.
Grimlock, armed with a lazer sword, fire breath, and a strength to rival the Kool-Aid man is totally unstoppable. He stomps people's faces all the time, and breathes fire.

And the best part, he doesn't give a shit what you think about anything. Because him Grimlock, strongest leader. And really, who can argue with that? I'll tell you who, nobody but Mark Whalberg. Grimlock talks like a hero, drinks like a hero, and stomps face like a hero. And if you don't like it, you can get bent.

And really, thats what being awesome is all about. Stomping everything all the time, and not caring what anyone thinks about it. Boom.

So next time you are thinking "I don't know if I should do this, people might think I'm weird..." you should just think, "How would Grimlock handle this?". The answer is probably to yell a lot, and say something like "Me _________ (insert name) no Bozo! Me awesome!".

Doc Awesome