Friday, October 15, 2010

Lesson #19: Martial Arts Own FACE

*explosion sound*

Greetings students, and fellow purveyors of all that is totally awesome. Its time for another lessons for all of you suckers who want to be like me, or in other words be totally great. Today we are going to talk about a topic too long ignored on this thread. Thats right, Martial Arts. That sexy science of beating ass and taking names. Kung Fu. Beatassery. PWNAGE.

Since everyone here is already assumed to have read earlier lessons, and begun their self study into that which is awesome, I will begin with the presumption that you know what martial arts are. And for the sake of this limited lecture we are going to keep it broad, focusing on any martial art that involves hitting people in the face at some point or another. Basically, no Tai Bo or any of that hippy crap. SUCK IT HIPPIES, GET OFF MY BLOG!

Martial arts have been around at least since the 70's, and maybe longer. I know because thats when the badass pictured above took his explosions/muscles to the big screen and killed literally everyone. And ever since martial arts have been around you know they have been awesome. Why? Well lets discuss:

  1. Kicking People in the Face: Once you know martial arts you can literally kick anyone in the face, whenever you want. I know, I know. To the sucktards among you it may seem unbelievable. Just like it did to this guy a few seconds before this picture:

      "psssh... theres no way you coul... oh shit!"

  2. Its the first step in becoming a Ninja: Its only logically congruent that one would be able to kick anyone in the face at anytime to be a ninja.

  3. Babes: You knew this was coming. Or at least you should have. You know what Babes like almost as much as being hot and admiring my facial hair? A guy who can unleash his fists of fury on the next douche bag who looks at her butt (that isn't you).
    If this picture doesn't give you a boner, you're dead inside.

  4. Self Control: People with self control know whats up. They can levitate, do their taxes, and refrain from masturbation forever! Or at least put it off a little longer. Not that I would know anything about that. I don't handle my own dick, it makes going no. 1 tricky.

  5. Self Defense: You know what isn't awesome? Caching in your ticket to the beat down lottery. Chances are if you look like this you're not awesome:

    "Has anyone seen my dignity? Or maybe just my teeth?"

    Your best bet is to be the "other guy". Especially like those guys on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon who had the best Kung Fu. Those guys could fly and shit!

  6. Defend your cookies: Ever since Cookie Monster was forced by PBS and the liberals to stop eating cookies on TV he has gone fucking crazy! And you definitely don't want to be the kind of pansy who has this happen to him:

Those are the 6 best reasons I can think of. You gotta protect your muthaphuckin neck, AND your cookies. Because seriously, without Babes and Cookies life just ain't worth livin'. So get yourselves some Kung Fu, and make sure your Kung Fu is stronger than everyone else's (except me) and then you know you're one step closer to being totally fucking awesome.


Doc Awesome

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Lesson #18: Consistency is for CHUMPS!

Thats right, for chumps. Listen up you primitive screwheads, this is my BLOGSTICK! And while that sounds more than a little sexual, its true. I have heard a lot of complaints about how I haven't blogged in a while. And while thats true, I am going to need people to check themselves, before they wreck themselves.

Because this shit just got real!

So here's whats up. I have been away a while. I was on Dr. Ninja Call. Its like regular Dr. call, only it lasts several months, I never sleep, consume massive amounts of calamari and PBR, and both heal and kill hundreds of people.

Unfortunately that has left me with little time to give you all the lessons you so sorely need in how to be totally flippin' awesome! But it also provides me with the perfect segue to my next lession: Consistency is for Chumps!

So whats consistency? Its when you stay the same, hold your shape, stay the course, make sense... be predictable. And if there is one thing my profession has taught me is that at best consistency makes you boring and chump-like, and at worst it makes you a chump and dead-like. Or maybe just dead.

The root of greatness, the root of awesomeness is spontaneity. The only thing I am ever consistent about is how spontaneous and awesome I am. And we all know I am awesome. I am pretty sure that means that in mathematics spontaneity + x = awesomeness, where X is a ton of other stuff I have talked about. And you see, before I was blogging all the time. And then BAM, I don't post for a long time. And now I'm back. Bet you didn't predict that. JaaaaaaAAAaaaam!

So lets itemize this shizz. Reasons why consistency is for chumps, and spontaneity is the Jaaam:

1) Keeping people on their toes! Lets face it, boredom can lick my frumunda. And you know whats not boring? When you have no idea what I am going to do next... like THIS!

"you see, the best way to saw down this huge tree is to measure out the.... BAM! SUCK IT FOOL!" <- Me after some chump pimped me on my lumberjack skills. He never saw it coming

That lumberjack up there sure wasn't bored. Those slack jawed mouth breather friends of his weren't bored. I know I wasn't bored. My fist hit his face like a board, but I don't think thats the same thing. And since no one knows who's riding the next train to Painville ND 48823 they watch every move I make. Bangarang

2) Predictability Makes You Easy to Imitate: And lets face it, there is nothing awesome about some douche bag trying to be you. Chances are he won't get it right, but he'll get it close enough that everyone will think of you while they are looking at his sucky face:

*I pity da fool who don't like my crazy ass out of control spending*

See that? Right there... damnit I saw Obama's shitty face, and all I could think about was Mr. T. That BLOWS. When I think about Mr. T. I want to think about beating ass, bling, and explosions, not failed domestic policies and a culture of progressive bullshit. Sorry Obama, but you're a chump and Mr. T rules. Get bent, and take your big government with you. FREEDOM!

3) Because I said so.

4) Because I am pretty sure Sun Tzu, or some other famous badass general said it too.

It was probably this guy. I mean, he only kicked the ass of an entire Nazi army.

Okay, anyway. Thats it for today.



Okay, seriously, thats it. So stay spontaneous, and kick consistency right in the balls for me.


Doc Awesome