Lesson #20: NERDS

Fresh is our return bitches. So here it is: Lession 20. Some of you haters thought it would never come. Well guess what, that's what your mom said. But it came. Oh, it came. Hey-OH!

Now, I can tell right now, from all the way in wherever the hell that I live, that some of you are already doubting this post. You're thinking "Doc... are you sure that Nerds are awesome?" and I am here to tell you that I am damned sure. So without further wait, here are the many reasons why Nerds are max awesome, and deserve some respect.

1) Space. Thats right bitches, OUTER FLIPPING SPACE. Now, I have briefly covered this before, in UNIT 2. Well guess what suckers, its time for a review. Space is awesome. For one, you don't have to fool around with the chumpiest of the 4 elemental forces: Gravity. Since the dawn of man we have dreamed of escaping Gravity. Well finally a few badass soviets and Yuri Gagarin blasted on fucking silo full of rocket fuel right out of the atmosphere and the hell away from gravity. They rode several HUNDRED THOUSAND KILOGRAMS of ready to blow flame blowing monster missile straight the hell out of here. And the whole time you know Gagarin was giving Gravity the Russky equivalent of the finger the whole time. BTW, the Russian equivalent of the finger? Its this:

Vigo also gives Gravity the finger...s

Now, here's what you're saying... "Doc, thats because Russians are awesome, not Nerds..." BUT WAIT, thats CHUMP logic. Purge yourself of that kind of fool thinking. Because I'm here to tell you that the only reason that Rocket didn't blow up on ignition, the only reason that shit flew straight, and the only reason people cared about space anyway was NERDS. Thats right, you can thank these guys:

Graphing Calculators, raise your hands if you had one.

Because it takes Engineering, mad Engineering to get that kind of mad science going. It takes nerding on levels even I have trouble imagining. So pay respect bitches!

2) Babes: If you doubted it was on the list, you need to reread all of my lessons. Because fools, not only are there nerd babes:

She's not a nerd because she plays, she's a nerd because she's INTO it.

But Babes LOVE nerds. Why? Because nerds make money. See here is where we make an important distinction. A lot of people don't know the difference between Nerds, Dweebs, and Geeks. Well let me explain,

Nerds:

Crowbar: Standard nerd equipment.

Dweebs:

Oh, I know you know who he is.

Geeks:

Never like this. NEVER.

See what I mean? That guy up top... he is up top in two ways. First, I listed him first. Second, guys like him run the world with money and power (and crowbar pranks). And they got that money and power by embracing their nerditude. They ran with it. And now they are literally swimming in money. Whole giant VAULTS of it! Or maaaaybe that was Scrooge McDuck. But whatever, it makes no difference. Nerds are smart, and the nerds that use that go on to get rich. And if there is one thing Babes love its a guy who can provide for himself. On his list of things to do I think Bill F. Gates can go ahead and check that one off. NERDS FTW.

3) ME. WHOA! Some of you may not believe this. It seems impossible. How the hell could I possible be a Nerd? Can Ninjas even be nerdy? How is that even possible!??!!1!!one!!! *head explodes*. BOOM, thats how. You see fools, I am a Ninja, true. But I am also a doctor. And to be a doctor one MUST be nerdy. My whole life I have ridden the fine line, I have lived on the edge. Sure, I party all the time. Sure popularity came to me as easily as indigestion after a Hot Pocket, but at the same time I study hard and made sure to make every class I took my complete and utter biatch. All for two letters suckers:

MD

So now here I sit, not even 30 years old with access to loads of medical technology, mad respect, and enough free time to teach you punks. And the how has everything to do with my inner NERD.

So there you have it folks. All the reasons Nerds are awesome. So if you are a Nerd, chin up chump. Stick with it, send people to space, invent pudding, or become a Dr. like me. You'll change the world. You'll cure cancer, you'll invent a car powered by testosterone, you'll travel back in time and bang Cleopatra. All of the above and more. And if you're not a nerd, don't fret. There is still hope for you, you can always become a lumberjack/commando. But still show some respect, because chances are those guys will be signing your paycheck someday.

Balls to the Whalls fools.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #19: Martial Arts Own FACE

*explosion sound*

Greetings students, and fellow purveyors of all that is totally awesome. Its time for another lessons for all of you suckers who want to be like me, or in other words be totally great. Today we are going to talk about a topic too long ignored on this thread. Thats right, Martial Arts. That sexy science of beating ass and taking names. Kung Fu. Beatassery. PWNAGE.

Since everyone here is already assumed to have read earlier lessons, and begun their self study into that which is awesome, I will begin with the presumption that you know what martial arts are. And for the sake of this limited lecture we are going to keep it broad, focusing on any martial art that involves hitting people in the face at some point or another. Basically, no Tai Bo or any of that hippy crap. SUCK IT HIPPIES, GET OFF MY BLOG!

Martial arts have been around at least since the 70's, and maybe longer. I know because thats when the badass pictured above took his explosions/muscles to the big screen and killed literally everyone. And ever since martial arts have been around you know they have been awesome. Why? Well lets discuss:

1. Kicking People in the Face: Once you know martial arts you can literally kick anyone in the face, whenever you want. I know, I know. To the sucktards among you it may seem unbelievable. Just like it did to this guy a few seconds before this picture:
   
   
   "psssh... theres no way you coul... oh shit!"
   
   
   
   
2. Its the first step in becoming a Ninja: Its only logically congruent that one would be able to kick anyone in the face at anytime to be a ninja.
   
   
3. Babes: You knew this was coming. Or at least you should have. You know what Babes like almost as much as being hot and admiring my facial hair? A guy who can unleash his fists of fury on the next douche bag who looks at her butt (that isn't you).
   
   If this picture doesn't give you a boner, you're dead inside.
   
   
4. Self Control: People with self control know whats up. They can levitate, do their taxes, and refrain from masturbation forever! Or at least put it off a little longer. Not that I would know anything about that. I don't handle my own dick, it makes going no. 1 tricky.
   
   
5. Self Defense: You know what isn't awesome? Caching in your ticket to the beat down lottery. Chances are if you look like this you're not awesome:
   
   
   "Has anyone seen my dignity? Or maybe just my teeth?"
   
   
   Your best bet is to be the "other guy". Especially like those guys on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon who had the best Kung Fu. Those guys could fly and shit!
   
   
6. Defend your cookies: Ever since Cookie Monster was forced by PBS and the liberals to stop eating cookies on TV he has gone fucking crazy! And you definitely don't want to be the kind of pansy who has this happen to him:

OM NOM NOM NOM!

Those are the 6 best reasons I can think of. You gotta protect your muthaphuckin neck, AND your cookies. Because seriously, without Babes and Cookies life just ain't worth livin'. So get yourselves some Kung Fu, and make sure your Kung Fu is stronger than everyone else's (except me) and then you know you're one step closer to being totally fucking awesome.

Bangarang!

Doc Awesome

Lesson #18: Consistency is for CHUMPS!

Thats right, for chumps. Listen up you primitive screwheads, this is my BLOGSTICK! And while that sounds more than a little sexual, its true. I have heard a lot of complaints about how I haven't blogged in a while. And while thats true, I am going to need people to check themselves, before they wreck themselves.

Because this shit just got real!

So here's whats up. I have been away a while. I was on Dr. Ninja Call. Its like regular Dr. call, only it lasts several months, I never sleep, consume massive amounts of calamari and PBR, and both heal and kill hundreds of people.

Unfortunately that has left me with little time to give you all the lessons you so sorely need in how to be totally flippin' awesome! But it also provides me with the perfect segue to my next lession: Consistency is for Chumps!

So whats consistency? Its when you stay the same, hold your shape, stay the course, make sense... be predictable. And if there is one thing my profession has taught me is that at best consistency makes you boring and chump-like, and at worst it makes you a chump and dead-like. Or maybe just dead.

The root of greatness, the root of awesomeness is spontaneity. The only thing I am ever consistent about is how spontaneous and awesome I am. And we all know I am awesome. I am pretty sure that means that in mathematics spontaneity + x = awesomeness, where X is a ton of other stuff I have talked about. And you see, before I was blogging all the time. And then BAM, I don't post for a long time. And now I'm back. Bet you didn't predict that. JaaaaaaAAAaaaam!

So lets itemize this shizz. Reasons why consistency is for chumps, and spontaneity is the Jaaam:

1) Keeping people on their toes! Lets face it, boredom can lick my frumunda. And you know whats not boring? When you have no idea what I am going to do next... like THIS!

"you see, the best way to saw down this huge tree is to measure out the.... BAM! SUCK IT FOOL!" <- Me after some chump pimped me on my lumberjack skills. He never saw it coming

That lumberjack up there sure wasn't bored. Those slack jawed mouth breather friends of his weren't bored. I know I wasn't bored. My fist hit his face like a board, but I don't think thats the same thing. And since no one knows who's riding the next train to Painville ND 48823 they watch every move I make. Bangarang

2) Predictability Makes You Easy to Imitate: And lets face it, there is nothing awesome about some douche bag trying to be you. Chances are he won't get it right, but he'll get it close enough that everyone will think of you while they are looking at his sucky face:

*I pity da fool who don't like my crazy ass out of control spending*

See that? Right there... damnit I saw Obama's shitty face, and all I could think about was Mr. T. That BLOWS. When I think about Mr. T. I want to think about beating ass, bling, and explosions, not failed domestic policies and a culture of progressive bullshit. Sorry Obama, but you're a chump and Mr. T rules. Get bent, and take your big government with you. FREEDOM!

3) Because I said so.

4) Because I am pretty sure Sun Tzu, or some other famous badass general said it too.

It was probably this guy. I mean, he only kicked the ass of an entire Nazi army.

Okay, anyway. Thats it for today.

OR IS IT!

6) GOTCHA CHUMPS!

Okay, seriously, thats it. So stay spontaneous, and kick consistency right in the balls for me.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #17: Yukon Cornelius

Merry mother-effin' Christmas! Thats right you stupid chumps, I said Christmas. Not the holidays, not "tis the season", but Christmas. Burning trees, the winter solstice, the fake celebration of the birth of Jesus, that jolly coronary-risk of a man who eats all of MY cookies, and of course everyone's favorite: YUKON CORNELIUS.

Now please, please tell me that you know who this is. I have a true sadness in my heart for anyone sitting there who doesn't know about THE Christms-time badass. The Claymation Abomination, the Magnificent Miner, that sled dog running mountain of a man himself: Yukon. Picture below:

His moustache curves 5 times! His beard most closely resembles Satan's pubes!

You may know Yukon Cornelius from the time that he saved Christmas by beating the Abomidable "Bumble" Snowman with his bare fucking hands. Or maybe the time that he hurled himself off of a 1000 foot gorge, without a parachute and lived to tell the tale. Maybe he sticks in your mind for his magnificent voice, and his never ending quest for loot, which is of course the true embodiment of the spirit of christmas. Frankincense and Myrrh can suck it. Or what about the time he rode his dog sled to the Moon to save Festivus (thats right, he's involved with Festivus as well). Or maybe the time he brought peace to the middle east and eliminated world hunger.

If you DON'T know about Yukon Cornelius, you definitely aren't awesome. So lets get some solid awesomeducation underway. If you doubt anything about what I say, you are free to watch Yukon do his thing in one of his many films, adult or otherwise. One can be found here, I own it, and you should too:


Yukon Punches Santa in the FACE!


And now the reasons:

1) Epic Moustache! Seriously, did you not know that this was coming? The guy's moustache is huge, red, and covers the bulk of his face. Parts of it also extend outwards and double as melee weapons for when he is saving your ass from Ninjas.

2) Silver and Gold: This mothereffer wants it. And if you have it, he'll probably rip you limb from limb and take it from you. Don't believe me? Just look at the polar ice caps. You think those things are melting? Hell no, Yukon tore them to shit looking for Gold!

3) Guns: He has a bunch of them. A few of them were digitally removed from the film I linked above, because pansy ass hippies got all pissy about a guy kicking this much ass in a movie that kids might watch:



4) Superhuman Strength: He has the strength of 5 gorillas!

5) He's friends with Bruce Willis, who we all know to be totally awesome, and who has also saved Christmas twice himself. You know its true.

6) Dog Sled: Yukon Cornelius doesn't need a car. Cars are for lesser men, weak men. Yukon Cornelius is a God among titans, forged during an age of steel and braun, and he rides around on a sled pulled by dogs, that is capable of spaceflight! These dogs can rend steel in their mighty jaws! He high-fives Jesus and pimp slaps Satan across the face all while racing through the cosmos on his dog sled that can travel at least twice the speed of light. The laws physics flee in terror!

Holy Crap, this guy rules. And if those 6 points don't pound it into your chump face, you're hopeless and should go eat a frisbee.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. May you fight monsters and get tons of loot, just like Jesus did when he was born. Rock and Roll!

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #16: BACON!

What what bitches! Its BACON. Thats right, BACON. And if you don't like the fact that I spell BACON with capital letters everytime, you're a suckbag. I do this because I must, because damnit, BACON is just that flippin' awesome. And if you thought that a Dr. pimping Kool-Aid was bad, wait till you get a greasy handful of THIS post.

Lets talk about what makes BACON so totally great in every way.

1) Smell. BACON smells. BACON smells flipping great. And the smell of this delicious salted treat is so overpowering that it permeates your entire house. BACON beats so much ass that even the microscopic molecules that escape from its greasy grasp into the air no sooner take flight than they own the face of all other scent molecules. PWNT! What the world needs is some BACON scented air fresheners. And by the world, I mean, my bathroom.

2) Salt. BACON is full of it. Salt owns because it makes everything taste delicious. By proxy, BACON will then make everything taste delicious? Don't believe me, try BACON with ice cream, or with pancakes, or with anything. BACON is even the one food that can make brocolli taste good. I wouldn't know because I never eat brocolli, because green food is for chumps.



3) Strength. BACON has a tensile strength greater than that of kevlar, steel, or even Koolinite. In fact, if the Kool-Aid Man were made of BACON, he would be even more awesome than he is now. What? Didn't think that was possible? Well check yourself, before you find that you have wrecked yourself. I am totally gangsta.


4) Radioactive. BACON is radioactive. It radiates a strange form of electromagnetic energy at frequencies so low that human beings of lesser awesomitude cannot detect. Its called BACONIC Radiation. Its affects people's brains, making them go insane and wreck up the place! It clogs arteries in that extra special delicious way, and makes absolutely no physical or logical sense. SUCK IT LOGIC!


5) BACON powers time travel machines. Like zambonis.



6) Ferris Wheel. I have decided that I am going to build one made entirely of BACON.



7) This picture:


















MEGA BACON SANDWICH!

Okay, I have to go eat now.


Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #15: Pirate/Zomboni Driver

I know. You can't believe it. Here you were thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other profession other than Ninja/Doctor or Lumberjack/Commando that would ever match up. And then you read the title of this post, and your mind exploded into a glorious explosion of beer and bbq ribs.

Because thats right chumps. There is another profession that is going to make the list. Well actually, there are two, but we already covered "Pimp/Space Ship Captain" in the lesson about Captain James T. Kirk.

And I'll be honest, this is a tough post to write. Or at least it would be tough if I wasn't so flippin' great that nothing was tough for me *flex*. Because seriously, everything about both of these professions is already self evident enough that it doesn't really even need to be taught. But you chumps need it don't you? Totally.

So lets talk about whats so awesome about being a Pirate/Zamboni Driver.

1) Zamboni > Pirate Ship: Because really, what can a pirate ship do that a zamboni can't? Thats right, nothing. Pirate ships sail on the sea? Zambonis are equipped with hovercraft devices AND smooth the ice. Pirate ships shoot cannons? Zambonis shoot lazers and hot dogs. Zambonis are so awesome, that some doofus invented a beatass fighting sport called "Hockey" that could be played between zamboni rounds. Awesome.

2) Stealing Stuff Rules: as long as its a maritime hobby. Because otherwise stealing shit happens. But bitches, when you're in international waters how else are you supposed to get some booty? Pirates get mad loot, and then they bury it. Which sounds pretty damn awesome to me.

3) Babes: Think you're going to get chicks driving around in your Honda Civic or your Corvette? Forget about it. Now you pull a Zamboni up to the bar, and you're set to jet. Because when you're NOT in international waters, THATS how you get some booty. See what I did there, how I tied that together, oh man, I am totally awesome.

4) Beer: Because the ONLY time its cool to drink and drive, is when you have a sweet ass pirate name like "Black Beard" or "Jolly Roger" and you're driving a flippin' zamboni.

5) Rum: Because you have to chase your beer with something. And if there is one thing that pirates know, its rum. Plus, only Pirate/Zamboni Drivers can drink Canadian Rum:

6) Time Travel: Zamboni's can time travel.

So pretty much thats it. Now you are all educated on the most awesomest professions that ever awesomed. If you can ever manage to be one of those 3/6 professions, you're probably pretty awesome, and need not read further. But if you can't, won't, or don't understand. You'd have better read on. FACE.

Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

Lesson #14: Lumberjack/Commandos!

So which one of you chumps thinks that you can tell me one thing that isn't awesome about being a lumberjack/commando besides the fact that it might prevent you from also being a Doctor/Ninja? Thats right none of you.

And why do you think that is? Because being a lumberjack alone KICKS TOTAL ASS, a

nd being a commando BEATS TOTAL FACE! Doubt it? Look at this guy in the picture below. Its unreal! That chainsaw is probably as big as his penis, which is undoubtedly huge and named "Redwood". But thats not the point. The point is that this guy is wearing flannel and a totally awesome hat. AND, you can't prove that he's wearing pants. I choose to believe what I am programmed to believe, and that is that he is not wearing pants at all. And he's JUST a Lumberjack. Not even a Lumberjack/Commando and already you're donezo.

And what about those glasses?! In my incredibly accurate scientific/medical/ninja opinion they have to be so large and bulky as to contain his lazer vision. Like Cyclops, except not totally sucky. Because Cyclops sucks.

But thats besides the point. What is the point is that Lumberjack/Commandos rock your face constantly. And if you want to be Lumberjack/Commando-Awesome, you need to take some lessons from the stuff these guys do every flippin' day:

1) Cut down huge fucking trees: These trees are huge. And guess what, they get their shit cut down. What do you cut down? On your morning donut intake? Probably. But while you're sucking it up in a cubicle these arborrean nightmares are launching a full scale war on trees.

2) Cut down tree hugging hippies: Because hippies suck. And can suck it. And they want to talk to trees, and pretend that trees give a shit because no one else does. But trees don't, BECAUSE THEY ARE TREES. And if one of those smelly hippies gets in front of a Lumberjack, better watch out. Because I'll wager kool-aid to water that that chainsaw will cut that hippie's shit and still have the umph for the trees. Lumberjacks: 10134, Hippies: -2.

3) Blow shit up: These guys have Grenades. Did you see that?

4) Flannel: Want to make a fashion statement? Get bent. Fashion sucks. Flannel rules. And the fact that these guys wear it in the face of every uppity Parisian aristocrat totally pwns. Gucci can suck it, I'd like to see him weild a chainsaw that big. Flannel FTW. And if their not wearing flannel, its because they are on a secret mission to kill. Watch out!

5) Guns + Chainsaws: WTF!?

6) Babes: Nothing says "I will rock your world in bed" like cutting down a 200 year old huge ass tree and then blowing shit up. Babes can't resist Lumberjack/Commandos. Hell, babes can't resist BEING lumberjacks.

7) Beards: Beards rule. They are like moustaches for your whole face! And not even hippie beards like the Beatles wore, we are talking Man-manes. Lumberjack/Commandos need them to deflect sawdust and shrapnel. If they didn't have them, they would die pretty quick. And that would not be awesome.

So thats it. Long post today, but its a pretty intense topic. PWNAGE.

Doc Awesome