Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lesson #20: NERDS

Fresh is our return bitches. So here it is: Lession 20. Some of you haters thought it would never come. Well guess what, that's what your mom said. But it came. Oh, it came. Hey-OH!

Now, I can tell right now, from all the way in wherever the hell that I live, that some of you are already doubting this post. You're thinking "Doc... are you sure that Nerds are awesome?" and I am here to tell you that I am damned sure. So without further wait, here are the many reasons why Nerds are max awesome, and deserve some respect.

1) Space. Thats right bitches, OUTER FLIPPING SPACE. Now, I have briefly covered this before, in UNIT 2. Well guess what suckers, its time for a review. Space is awesome. For one, you don't have to fool around with the chumpiest of the 4 elemental forces: Gravity. Since the dawn of man we have dreamed of escaping Gravity. Well finally a few badass soviets and Yuri Gagarin blasted on fucking silo full of rocket fuel right out of the atmosphere and the hell away from gravity. They rode several HUNDRED THOUSAND KILOGRAMS of ready to blow flame blowing monster missile straight the hell out of here. And the whole time you know Gagarin was giving Gravity the Russky equivalent of the finger the whole time. BTW, the Russian equivalent of the finger? Its this:

Vigo also gives Gravity the finger...s

Now, here's what you're saying... "Doc, thats because Russians are awesome, not Nerds..." BUT WAIT, thats CHUMP logic. Purge yourself of that kind of fool thinking. Because I'm here to tell you that the only reason that Rocket didn't blow up on ignition, the only reason that shit flew straight, and the only reason people cared about space anyway was NERDS. Thats right, you can thank these guys:

Graphing Calculators, raise your hands if you had one.

Because it takes Engineering, mad Engineering to get that kind of mad science going. It takes nerding on levels even I have trouble imagining. So pay respect bitches!

2) Babes: If you doubted it was on the list, you need to reread all of my lessons. Because fools, not only are there nerd babes:

She's not a nerd because she plays, she's a nerd because she's INTO it.

But Babes LOVE nerds. Why? Because nerds make money. See here is where we make an important distinction. A lot of people don't know the difference between Nerds, Dweebs, and Geeks. Well let me explain,


Crowbar: Standard nerd equipment.

Oh, I know you know who he is.


Never like this. NEVER.

See what I mean? That guy up top... he is up top in two ways. First, I listed him first. Second, guys like him run the world with money and power (and crowbar pranks). And they got that money and power by embracing their nerditude. They ran with it. And now they are literally swimming in money. Whole giant VAULTS of it! Or maaaaybe that was Scrooge McDuck. But whatever, it makes no difference. Nerds are smart, and the nerds that use that go on to get rich. And if there is one thing Babes love its a guy who can provide for himself. On his list of things to do I think Bill F. Gates can go ahead and check that one off. NERDS FTW.

3) ME. WHOA! Some of you may not believe this. It seems impossible. How the hell could I possible be a Nerd? Can Ninjas even be nerdy? How is that even possible!??!!1!!one!!! *head explodes*. BOOM, thats how. You see fools, I am a Ninja, true. But I am also a doctor. And to be a doctor one MUST be nerdy. My whole life I have ridden the fine line, I have lived on the edge. Sure, I party all the time. Sure popularity came to me as easily as indigestion after a Hot Pocket, but at the same time I study hard and made sure to make every class I took my complete and utter biatch. All for two letters suckers:


So now here I sit, not even 30 years old with access to loads of medical technology, mad respect, and enough free time to teach you punks. And the how has everything to do with my inner NERD.

So there you have it folks. All the reasons Nerds are awesome. So if you are a Nerd, chin up chump. Stick with it, send people to space, invent pudding, or become a Dr. like me. You'll change the world. You'll cure cancer, you'll invent a car powered by testosterone, you'll travel back in time and bang Cleopatra. All of the above and more. And if you're not a nerd, don't fret. There is still hope for you, you can always become a lumberjack/commando. But still show some respect, because chances are those guys will be signing your paycheck someday.

Balls to the Whalls fools.


Doc Awesome

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