Monday, September 17, 2012

Lesson # 21: HOLY CRAP, RON SWANSON

Holy crap it has been a while since I last posted.  This seems to be a recurring problem.  And by problem I mean not a problem at all because I do what I want.  I'm off the chain.  People think they know me.  You can't know a Ninja.  The minute you think you know a Ninja, BAM, you're dead.  Just ask any dead person ever. 

So whats up people?  You ready to be smacked in the face with a flying roundhouse boot full of badass?  Of course you're not.  Because you're a chump.  Probably.  If you're not, and you happen to be ready for this.  Good.  Because today we are going to talk about Ron Swanson, and why this world is a better place because of him.

So who is Ron Swanson?  WHO IS RON SWANSON!?  What have you been living under a rock stuck in a cave locked in a vault?  Are you a hipster fool who thinks he's to cool for prime time TV?  If you are, leave.  I hate hipsters.  Hipsters suck.  Anyway.  This, is Ron Swanson:

(Note the mustache)

Ron Swanson is the manliest man to ever live.  His peers include Yukon Cornelius, Nikola Tesla, Genghis Khan, and Hercules.

But this wouldn't be a lesson if I didn't explain it out for all you hipster chumps out there.  Lets break it down (can't touch this).

1)  The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness:

(Highlights include:  Rage, Living in the Woods, Deer Protein, Weapons, and of course: America)

This is pretty much a guide to life for everyone.  Well, almost everyone.  I am currently working on my own Pyramid of Awesomeness.  But that's more like a guide to being awesome.  

2)  Mustache:  If you didn't see this coming please review lessons 1-20, paying special attention to 3 and 10.  And my sweet glob, look at that mustache.

3)  Libertarian:  Ron Swanson is a Liberterian.  He believes in minimal government and maximum liberty.  He doesn't even like when people know his address.  Because seriously, thats nobody's business but his.  He may work for the Park's service, but he works to bring down Big Brother every chance he gets.

4)  ALL the Bacon and Eggs:

 
(courtesy of Dave Mott <- Stay awesome Dave)

Hells yeah.  Ron eats all the bacon and eggs.  It calms him down.  Any guy with the intestinal fortitude to handle ALL of the bacon and eggs is a man worthy of respect.  And a statin.

5)  Fashion:  As in, he doesn't bow to it.  Thats for hipsters and chumps.  Ron goes Ron's way, and understands that the essence of true awesomeness is to forgo that kind of mullarchy and sack up.

(Women not included here)

Ron is a Man's man who lives by his own rules and doesn't need your garbage.  In fact, he doesn't need anything. Take a look at the pyramid suckers, SELF RELIANCE ranks pretty high.  Its under Haircuts and Wood Working.  Booyah.

That is it for today.  Come back soon for more in your face lessons on how to be totally awesome.

Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA, this whole fucking article is the best shit I have ever processed.

    ReplyDelete