Thursday, June 15, 2017


Whats up chumps!?  Time for another lesson about how to be awesome.  This one is sure to be controversial and piss people off.  GOOD.  If my posts piss you off you can get bent sucker!  Because I'm not here to pat you on the back and tell you everything is okay.  I'm here to reveal to you the ways of being awesome, or at the very least the ways of sucking just a little bit less.

And today we're going to talk about GUNS.

(Pictured: the finest firearm available to civilians, the Scar 17H)

That's right.  Guns.  Mankind's greatest tool for acute thoracic ventilation of those about to do you harm.  Guns are pretty tricky though, because they can go fro awesome to really sucky really fast.  And they aren't for everyone.  My 4 year old, for instance, shouldn't have a gun.  Apparently neither should Bernie Sanders supporters.  But in the right hands (re: almost everyone's) guns provide us with some pretty important options.

1:  Hunting

Never forget, that we are at the top of the food chain, and its awesome.  That means that we get to eat pretty much anything that doesn't know that it exists or doesn't have the potential to know that it exists (So everything except cetaceans, great apes, certain cephalopods, elephants, and possibly racoons).  Eating meat rules.  And the best way to eat said meat is to go out and get it yourself!

("I don't trust meat from the grocery store, it makes me nervous" -some bearded guy)

"But killing animals is wrong." ~Every stupid liberal who watched too many Disney movies as a kid where animals talked or acted like people.

See, animals aren't people.  Well, most of them aren't people.  I don't care about some animal's feelings if it can't have feelings.  The exceptions above are listed precisely because those animals CAN have feelings, and so should probably avoid being hunted.

And if you're going to hunt, I suggest you do it with a gun.  Why?  First, your best chances are with a gun.   Second, while killing animals for food is the best, there's no reason to waste all your time doing it.  You have other awesome shit to do, so you should get your hunting done quickly.  And, you might want to do it at range...

(pictured: close combat expert)

And that brings me to the second thing that guns do:

2:  Equalize.

Imagine a totally suck-tastic world for just a minute.  A world without guns.  This is easy, because for all but about 300 years of human history this is what the world looked like.  Now, imagine for a moment, that you're living in your house, with your family, and this guy barges in:

(6'9" tall, 20" Biceps, can bench two of your fatasses - oh, and his name is Halfthor, because even this guy isn't as awesome as whole-Thor)

Scary right?  It is.  Because unless you're an ultimate martial arts badass, chances are that without a gun someone as big as Halfthor up there is going to do whatever he wants with you.    And while most people are typically good - the dude barging into your house/hut/cave uninvited probably isn't.  And for all of human history, guys like that got to do whatever they wanted.  But not anymore, why?  Because even a "Mountain who Rides" will think twice before facing down a few of these:


Firearms make small men large.  And that is a good thing.  Sure, a villain with a gun could come into your home as well.  At least if you have a firearm yourself you're still up a leg from being on home turf. Not just actually having a gun and using either, but the threat of a gun is often enough to make someone think twice.  Good people having guns does mean that some bad people will have guns too.  After all, maybe you're the villain.  That is a price I'm willing to pay for equalization.

3:  Freedom

Ooh, this one is great.  See, guns are fucking awesome because I have a God-given right to have one.  My ancestors bit, kicked, shot, and bled for me to be here today, at the top of the goddamn heap.  And thanks to them and a consti-fucking-tution that recognizes God-given rights I get to own guns.  Not all guns, its true.  And that sucks.  But the guns I get to have are still pretty awesome, and enough to make even the fascists in central government think twice before fucking with the entire population.  Guns buy freedom.  Yeah, I'm no trained soldier.  And I don't stand a chance against a drone strike.  If Big Brother comes a knocking for me specifically, its going to be tough times for ol' Doc Awesome.  But it isn't just me with guns, its 31% of us.  Is revolution likely?  No.  But never forget who our leader is, and who it almost was.  History is rife with the bodies of people who thought "that could never happen here".

(Avoids referencing Hitler = internet victory is mine!)

4:  Pissing off stupid chumps.

This might be the best part.  Wait, no, killing giant hogs and making bacon is the best part. WAIT, no, freedom is the best part.  Eff, there is so much awesome about guns that I can't decide what the best part is.  Its all great.  But especially the fact that being one of the 31% of households cheezes a lot of idiots off.

(pictured: another awesome Doctor)

Guns are great because they are controversial.  Watching statists sputter and bluster over the fact that I have the exercised right to fire pieces of brass and lead downrange at 2800fps is just too much fun to give up.  People who suck will never get it, and its hilarious.  Every last one of them can kiss my ass and chordle my nuts.  Most of them don't have the cajones to even hold a firearm, let alone try firing one.  Don't worry, for those asshats there is always Nerf.

(pictured: my childhood)

That is all for today.  At least in terms of lessons.  I am sure that a ton of stupid people are going to have shitty stupid opinions about guns.  Remember, thats one of the best things about them.  And I am sure that some fool will likely do something completely not-awesome with guns in the future.  It'll happen, just wait for it.  But it isn't because their guns, or their right to have guns.  Its because they suck.  I hope I never have to fire my gun at another person.  Firing a gun at a person would be the second worst thing in the world... right behind letting that shithead do whatever they were going to do that made you shoot them.


Doc Awesome