Friday, September 11, 2009

Lesson #14: Lumberjack/Commandos!

So which one of you chumps thinks that you can tell me one thing that isn't awesome about being a lumberjack/commando besides the fact that it might prevent you from also being a Doctor/Ninja? Thats right none of you.

And why do you think that is? Because being a lumberjack alone KICKS TOTAL ASS, a
nd being a commando BEATS TOTAL FACE! Doubt it? Look at this guy in the picture below. Its unreal! That chainsaw is probably as big as his penis, which is undoubtedly huge and named "Redwood". But thats not the point. The point is that this guy is wearing flannel and a totally awesome hat. AND, you can't prove that he's wearing pants. I choose to believe what I am programmed to believe, and that is that he is not wearing pants at all. And he's JUST a Lumberjack. Not even a Lumberjack/Commando and already you're donezo.

And what about those glasses?! In my incredibly accurate scientific/medical/ninja opinion they have to be so large and bulky as to contain his lazer vision. Like Cyclops, except not totally sucky. Because Cyclops sucks.

But thats besides the point. What is the point is that Lumberjack/Commandos rock your face constantly. And if you want to be Lumberjack/Commando-Awesome, you need to take some lessons from the stuff these guys do every flippin' day:

1) Cut down huge fucking trees: These trees are huge. And guess what, they get their shit cut down. What do you cut down? On your morning donut intake? Probably. But while you're sucking it up in a cubicle these arborrean nightmares are launching a full scale war on trees.

2) Cut down tree hugging hippies: Because hippies suck. And can suck it. And they want to talk to trees, and pretend that trees give a shit because no one else does. But trees don't, BECAUSE THEY ARE TREES. And if one of those smelly hippies gets in front of a Lumberjack, better watch out. Because I'll wager kool-aid to water that that chainsaw will cut that hippie's shit and still have the umph for the trees. Lumberjacks: 10134, Hippies: -2.

3) Blow shit up: These guys have Grenades. Did you see that?

4) Flannel: Want to make a fashion statement? Get bent. Fashion sucks. Flannel rules. And the fact that these guys wear it in the face of every uppity Parisian aristocrat totally pwns. Gucci can suck it, I'd like to see him weild a chainsaw that big. Flannel FTW. And if their not wearing flannel, its because they are on a secret mission to kill. Watch out!

5) Guns + Chainsaws: WTF!?

6) Babes: Nothing says "I will rock your world in bed" like cutting down a 200 year old huge ass tree and then blowing shit up. Babes can't resist Lumberjack/Commandos. Hell, babes can't resist BEING lumberjacks.

7) Beards: Beards rule. They are like moustaches for your whole face! And not even hippie beards like the Beatles wore, we are talking Man-manes. Lumberjack/Commandos need them to deflect sawdust and shrapnel. If they didn't have them, they would die pretty quick. And that would not be awesome.

So thats it. Long post today, but its a pretty intense topic. PWNAGE.

Doc Awesome


  1. You know what else is awesome - reading this to start my Saturday morning. I will have an awesome day for sure! I do slightly question #6 though - babes BEING lumberjacks? Doesn't the title of babe get removed by default when she becomes a lumberjack (a real one, not one for the layout). I agree lumberjack/commando gets babes, but lumberjanes getting hot guys?? umm...not going for that one.

  2. Hmm. Thats an interesting question. And I'll have to think about it. Does one stop being a Babe when one wields a chainsaw in one hand and an M16 in the other.

    I certainly would say that being totally awesome and badass is gender neutral, but is it gender eliminating. Its possible.

    A fair comment LMC, and I will think on this.

  3. Can I be a hippie and a Lumberjack Games lover? Because I am and I do, some day I want to do the boom run.

  4. That is a paradox that threatens to rip a hole in the space time continuum that could destroy the known universe, with the obvious exception of the N.O.M.B.

    And besides, you're an accountant. Everyone knows it is impossible for employed accountants who shower regularly to be hippies.

  5. cyclops really does suck. unlike Lumberjacks.

  6. I know the guy on the left. He teaches unarmed combat to regualr non-lumberjack commandos.

  7. Yeah, I had never met him before. Thanks for the tip Anonymous. I know the guy on the right though. Goes by the name "Warchief Supreme".

  8. The doods up in the picture are also likely assault pioneers - It's a trade in canadian military which deals with combat engineering and boobie trapping (and ppbly the awesomest course you can take including urban assault training). Upon completion of the course you are allowed to grow a beard .