Saturday, October 3, 2009

Lesson #15: Pirate/Zomboni Driver

I know. You can't believe it. Here you were thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other profession other than Ninja/Doctor or Lumberjack/Commando that would ever match up. And then you read the title of this post, and your mind exploded into a glorious explosion of beer and bbq ribs.

Because thats right chumps. There is another profession that is going to make the list. Well actually, there are two, but we already covered "Pimp/Space Ship Captain" in the lesson about Captain James T. Kirk.

And I'll be honest, this is a tough post to write. Or at least it would be tough if I wasn't so flippin' great that nothing was tough for me *flex*. Because seriously, everything about both of these professions is already self evident enough that it doesn't really even need to be taught. But you chumps need it don't you? Totally.

So lets talk about whats so awesome about being a Pirate/Zamboni Driver.

1) Zamboni > Pirate Ship: Because really, what can a pirate ship do that a zamboni can't? Thats right, nothing. Pirate ships sail on the sea? Zambonis are equipped with hovercraft devices AND smooth the ice. Pirate ships shoot cannons? Zambonis shoot lazers and hot dogs. Zambonis are so awesome, that some doofus invented a beatass fighting sport called "Hockey" that could be played between zamboni rounds. Awesome.

2) Stealing Stuff Rules: as long as its a maritime hobby. Because otherwise stealing shit happens. But bitches, when you're in international waters how else are you supposed to get some booty? Pirates get mad loot, and then they bury it. Which sounds pretty damn awesome to me.

3) Babes: Think you're going to get chicks driving around in your Honda Civic or your Corvette? Forget about it. Now you pull a Zamboni up to the bar, and you're set to jet. Because when you're NOT in international waters, THATS how you get some booty. See what I did there, how I tied that together, oh man, I am totally awesome.

4) Beer: Because the ONLY time its cool to drink and drive, is when you have a sweet ass pirate name like "Black Beard" or "Jolly Roger" and you're driving a flippin' zamboni.

5) Rum: Because you have to chase your beer with something. And if there is one thing that pirates know, its rum. Plus, only Pirate/Zamboni Drivers can drink Canadian Rum:

6) Time Travel: Zamboni's can time travel.

So pretty much thats it. Now you are all educated on the most awesomest professions that ever awesomed. If you can ever manage to be one of those 3/6 professions, you're probably pretty awesome, and need not read further. But if you can't, won't, or don't understand. You'd have better read on. FACE.


Doc Awesome

1 comment:

  1. You'll have to come to the rink on Halloween so you can take pictures of a Brewer/Patriot/Zamboni Driver