Friday, November 6, 2009
Lesson #16: BACON!
What what bitches! Its BACON. Thats right, BACON. And if you don't like the fact that I spell BACON with capital letters everytime, you're a suckbag. I do this because I must, because damnit, BACON is just that flippin' awesome. And if you thought that a Dr. pimping Kool-Aid was bad, wait till you get a greasy handful of THIS post.
Lets talk about what makes BACON so totally great in every way.
1) Smell. BACON smells. BACON smells flipping great. And the smell of this delicious salted treat is so overpowering that it permeates your entire house. BACON beats so much ass that even the microscopic molecules that escape from its greasy grasp into the air no sooner take flight than they own the face of all other scent molecules. PWNT! What the world needs is some BACON scented air fresheners. And by the world, I mean, my bathroom.
2) Salt. BACON is full of it. Salt owns because it makes everything taste delicious. By proxy, BACON will then make everything taste delicious? Don't believe me, try BACON with ice cream, or with pancakes, or with anything. BACON is even the one food that can make brocolli taste good. I wouldn't know because I never eat brocolli, because green food is for chumps.
3) Strength. BACON has a tensile strength greater than that of kevlar, steel, or even Koolinite. In fact, if the Kool-Aid Man were made of BACON, he would be even more awesome than he is now. What? Didn't think that was possible? Well check yourself, before you find that you have wrecked yourself. I am totally gangsta.
4) Radioactive. BACON is radioactive. It radiates a strange form of electromagnetic energy at frequencies so low that human beings of lesser awesomitude cannot detect. Its called BACONIC Radiation. Its affects people's brains, making them go insane and wreck up the place! It clogs arteries in that extra special delicious way, and makes absolutely no physical or logical sense. SUCK IT LOGIC!
5) BACON powers time travel machines. Like zambonis.
6) Ferris Wheel. I have decided that I am going to build one made entirely of BACON.
7) This picture:
MEGA BACON SANDWICH!
Okay, I have to go eat now.