Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lesson #17: Yukon Cornelius

Merry mother-effin' Christmas! Thats right you stupid chumps, I said Christmas. Not the holidays, not "tis the season", but Christmas. Burning trees, the winter solstice, the fake celebration of the birth of Jesus, that jolly coronary-risk of a man who eats all of MY cookies, and of course everyone's favorite: YUKON CORNELIUS.

Now please, please tell me that you know who this is. I have a true sadness in my heart for anyone sitting there who doesn't know about THE Christms-time badass. The Claymation Abomination, the Magnificent Miner, that sled dog running mountain of a man himself: Yukon. Picture below:

His moustache curves 5 times! His beard most closely resembles Satan's pubes!

You may know Yukon Cornelius from the time that he saved Christmas by beating the Abomidable "Bumble" Snowman with his bare fucking hands. Or maybe the time that he hurled himself off of a 1000 foot gorge, without a parachute and lived to tell the tale. Maybe he sticks in your mind for his magnificent voice, and his never ending quest for loot, which is of course the true embodiment of the spirit of christmas. Frankincense and Myrrh can suck it. Or what about the time he rode his dog sled to the Moon to save Festivus (thats right, he's involved with Festivus as well). Or maybe the time he brought peace to the middle east and eliminated world hunger.

If you DON'T know about Yukon Cornelius, you definitely aren't awesome. So lets get some solid awesomeducation underway. If you doubt anything about what I say, you are free to watch Yukon do his thing in one of his many films, adult or otherwise. One can be found here, I own it, and you should too:

Yukon Punches Santa in the FACE!

And now the reasons:

1) Epic Moustache! Seriously, did you not know that this was coming? The guy's moustache is huge, red, and covers the bulk of his face. Parts of it also extend outwards and double as melee weapons for when he is saving your ass from Ninjas.

2) Silver and Gold: This mothereffer wants it. And if you have it, he'll probably rip you limb from limb and take it from you. Don't believe me? Just look at the polar ice caps. You think those things are melting? Hell no, Yukon tore them to shit looking for Gold!

3) Guns: He has a bunch of them. A few of them were digitally removed from the film I linked above, because pansy ass hippies got all pissy about a guy kicking this much ass in a movie that kids might watch:

4) Superhuman Strength: He has the strength of 5 gorillas!

5) He's friends with Bruce Willis, who we all know to be totally awesome, and who has also saved Christmas twice himself. You know its true.

6) Dog Sled: Yukon Cornelius doesn't need a car. Cars are for lesser men, weak men. Yukon Cornelius is a God among titans, forged during an age of steel and braun, and he rides around on a sled pulled by dogs, that is capable of spaceflight! These dogs can rend steel in their mighty jaws! He high-fives Jesus and pimp slaps Satan across the face all while racing through the cosmos on his dog sled that can travel at least twice the speed of light. The laws physics flee in terror!

Holy Crap, this guy rules. And if those 6 points don't pound it into your chump face, you're hopeless and should go eat a frisbee.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. May you fight monsters and get tons of loot, just like Jesus did when he was born. Rock and Roll!


Doc Awesome