Thursday, October 14, 2010

Lesson #18: Consistency is for CHUMPS!



Thats right, for chumps. Listen up you primitive screwheads, this is my BLOGSTICK! And while that sounds more than a little sexual, its true. I have heard a lot of complaints about how I haven't blogged in a while. And while thats true, I am going to need people to check themselves, before they wreck themselves.

Because this shit just got real!

So here's whats up. I have been away a while. I was on Dr. Ninja Call. Its like regular Dr. call, only it lasts several months, I never sleep, consume massive amounts of calamari and PBR, and both heal and kill hundreds of people.

Unfortunately that has left me with little time to give you all the lessons you so sorely need in how to be totally flippin' awesome! But it also provides me with the perfect segue to my next lession: Consistency is for Chumps!

So whats consistency? Its when you stay the same, hold your shape, stay the course, make sense... be predictable. And if there is one thing my profession has taught me is that at best consistency makes you boring and chump-like, and at worst it makes you a chump and dead-like. Or maybe just dead.

The root of greatness, the root of awesomeness is spontaneity. The only thing I am ever consistent about is how spontaneous and awesome I am. And we all know I am awesome. I am pretty sure that means that in mathematics spontaneity + x = awesomeness, where X is a ton of other stuff I have talked about. And you see, before I was blogging all the time. And then BAM, I don't post for a long time. And now I'm back. Bet you didn't predict that. JaaaaaaAAAaaaam!

So lets itemize this shizz. Reasons why consistency is for chumps, and spontaneity is the Jaaam:

1) Keeping people on their toes! Lets face it, boredom can lick my frumunda. And you know whats not boring? When you have no idea what I am going to do next... like THIS!

"you see, the best way to saw down this huge tree is to measure out the.... BAM! SUCK IT FOOL!" <- Me after some chump pimped me on my lumberjack skills. He never saw it coming

That lumberjack up there sure wasn't bored. Those slack jawed mouth breather friends of his weren't bored. I know I wasn't bored. My fist hit his face like a board, but I don't think thats the same thing. And since no one knows who's riding the next train to Painville ND 48823 they watch every move I make. Bangarang

2) Predictability Makes You Easy to Imitate: And lets face it, there is nothing awesome about some douche bag trying to be you. Chances are he won't get it right, but he'll get it close enough that everyone will think of you while they are looking at his sucky face:

*I pity da fool who don't like my crazy ass out of control spending*

See that? Right there... damnit I saw Obama's shitty face, and all I could think about was Mr. T. That BLOWS. When I think about Mr. T. I want to think about beating ass, bling, and explosions, not failed domestic policies and a culture of progressive bullshit. Sorry Obama, but you're a chump and Mr. T rules. Get bent, and take your big government with you. FREEDOM!

3) Because I said so.

4) Because I am pretty sure Sun Tzu, or some other famous badass general said it too.

It was probably this guy. I mean, he only kicked the ass of an entire Nazi army.

Okay, anyway. Thats it for today.

OR IS IT!

6) GOTCHA CHUMPS!

Okay, seriously, thats it. So stay spontaneous, and kick consistency right in the balls for me.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

2 comments:

  1. i cant believe how awesome this site is

    ReplyDelete