Monday, July 27, 2009

Lesson #6: Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so lets start by saying that just because this is lesson # 6 doesn't mean that Mark Wahlberg isn't the most awesome thing I have talked about or will ever talk about. Because it doesn't. Because Mark Wahlberg is without a doubt way more awesome than just about anything. Any by anything, I mean especially you.

In fact, Mark Wahlberg is so awesome, that I had to warm all you chumps up to his level of awesome in a step wise fashion. Thats right, John Stossel's moustache was just a stepping stone on the way to Wahlberg. Except not really, Mark Wahlberg is so totally fucking awesome, that the light from his awesomeness will take a billion years just to reach that glorious stache and illuminate its glorious bristles.

And glorious it would be.

Mark Wahlberg is the toughest mother eff'er to ever walk this earth, and the moon. Mark Wahlberg is so cool, he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Mark Wahlberg's core is so dense, that its mass is infinite, its volume is 0, and light cannot escape it. Mark Wahlberg punched Ghandi in the face, and Barrack Obama in the nuts.

And I know what those of you who suck are thinking. You're thinking: "Why does this guy think he's so awesome?!!!11!!??one!". I'll tell you why, because of this movie:

Thats right, the Big Hit. A movie of such importance, of such impact that the forces of Suck have done everything they can to bury it. Those hippies at even gave it a 38%. 38%? Their face is 38% stupid and 100% fugly if they think this movie is only a 38%. More like, a BILLION PERCENT.

But I digress.

The point is that Mark Wahlberg owns everything. You especially. And probably your mother. He is the greatest action hero in the world and a famous lover of women and mothers. Mark Whalberg whooped the shit out of a planet of gorillas, he wtfpwnt a bunch of assassins, stole all your gold, got high and killed some other dudes, and shot Matt Damon in the face. Matt Damon can suck it. Think you're better than Wahlberg? You're not.

Doc Awesome


  1. I'm sorry but I can't hear Mark Wahlberg with immediately singing, "Back when Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark, this is how we used to make the party start" He is forever associated with an Eminem song, not awesome.

  2. We must remember the tale of the caterpillar. When it is first born it is but a lowly caterpillar. But then, it enters a cocoon and later emerges as a magnificent killer butterfly that beats people up and drinks blood. Or something like that.

    Well anyway, thats what Mark Wahlberg was like. Marky Mark was his first form, but then in a rebirth of volcano eruptions and egregious amounts of sex he became the Mark Wahlberg we know today, hardcore and awesome in every way.

  3. I agree he is awesome & fills the world with awe..... some more!