UNIT 2: OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. Lesson #9: Neil Armstrong

HOLY OUTER SPACE Batman, its our second Unit! Thats right, Unit, with a capital U. Lets talk about how you are already a little more awesome because you have completed the first unit. Or, lets face it, you're probably a lot more awesome. Because you might have sucked a lot.

But thats behind us now, and its time for our second unit. OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. And if we are going to have a unit on outer space, it makes sense that we are going to have to talk about Neil Armstrong. Because this epic badass was the first man to walk on the MOON. Thats right, the MOON. As in that ball of light that we see at night, that is hundreds of thousands of miles away. And as if it wasn't enough for this hero of heroes to look at the moon like the rest of us, he shot himself in a fucking rocket, off the EARTH, through SPACE, and walked on it. I mean seriously. What the hell?! Let me ask you, how many of you chumps were the first human beings to walk on the moon? Oh thats right, none of you. Because you're not as awesome as Armstrong.

Really, what else is this hardcore monster of a man going to do in his life that will compare to this? What can any of us do? Answer: Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been some other awesome badasses. Some Russian badasses. Then there were those guys on Apollo 13. I am pretty sure it was Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon. I saw it. Twice. Anyway, they rule too. Because space is awesome. Why is space awesome? Well its bigger than you for one thing. Plus, hot alien babes. Thats right: babes. Don't worry, more on that later in this unit. And there are black holes, from which only Mark Wahlberg can escape riding on the Trolley.

We have started with Neil Armstrong, and we will have some other entries to come. Mostly space personalities. So come back to class next time, and be prepared to have your face totally space rocked.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome.

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.


If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.