Sunday, August 9, 2009

Lesson #10: Chewbacca

Alright suckbags, time for a hairy slap to the face by none other than the hairiest 8' of awesome to ever cruise the stars. Thats right, I am of course talking about Chewbacca. Totally awesome. I suppose that an introduction is in order in case you have lived in a cave without a TV for the past 30 years. Chewbacca is the engineer and enforcer of the Millenium Falcon, which is almost deserving of its own post. He wanders from system to system beating everyone in the face and laughing it up all the time.

Lets list out the reasons that he is awesome:

1) Biggest Moustache EVER: Chewbacca's stache is flippin' epic. Its almost as big as outer space itself, and its certainly bigger than you. This guys stache is at least 6 feet long, and extends downward to cover his wookie nuts, something all space babes cry about constantly, because they want them bad. Except they also want his moustache, so who knows whats going on. Anyway, it also extends back around and covers the rest of his body too. EPIC.

2) Han Solo (shown above): Thats right, Chewie is so totally awesome that his freakin' side kick is Han Solo, who is in Awesome Debt to Chewie. Which means that there was this one time when Han was all drunk and dancing like a douche, and Chewie totally saved him from being embarassed and probably being himself. From then on Han always owed a great debt to Chewie and vowed to follow him all over space like a lost puppy until he could do something like that for Chewie. Which will never happen, because Wookies can hold their liqour.

3) Bowcaster: Fuck lightsabers. Those futuristic dildos are for chumps. Really? A beam of light. SUCK. What Chewie has is a fucking space gun. Except its better than a gun because it looks like a crossbow. Thats right, having a regular laser gun isn't good enough for Chewie, he needs one that is twice as awesome because its shaped like another awesome weapon. It also fires bullets and rockets.

4) Flippin' HUGE: Look at him! He's huge!

5) No pants. Wookies don't wear pants. You know you are jealous, and probably a little turned on right now. I know I am, in fact, I think maybe I should work up the guts to not wear pants ever... woah, slow down Doc, not even I am that awesome.

6) He'll Eat You: Seriously, he's a Wookie. He can rip your arms off and eat them.

So thats pretty much it in a nutshell. There is a long list of his achievements, like beating Darth Vader at armwrestling, farting on the Emperor's pillow when he was out to lunch, and banging 3/5 of Jabba's dancers as well as his Rancor... but we won't get into that right now. Because frankly, I don't know if I can handle the awesome.

So laugh it up fuzzballs. Chewbacca is totally awesome, and if you want to be totally awesome, you should try to be more like him.


Doc Awesome

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