Sunday, June 14, 2009

Lesson #3: John Stossel

John Stossel is totally fucking awesome:

Lets examine the evidence shall we?

1) Badass Moustache. Perhaps I should have covered by Moustaches are awesome in the first place. Sounds like I have another lesson planned. But lets get real here. That stache totally rocks my world. Not only do all women love it and want to play with it, but all men wish they had it. And by all men I mean mostly me.

2) Libertarian Beatdown. John Stossel gives it to liberals in the teeth everday. He stood in front of the capitol building in D.C. and told everyone to pull their heads out of eachothers asses. He then drank 3 brawndos, flexed his muscles, and caused an earthquake. I know its real because I saw it on TV.

3) Karate: John Stossel knows it. Rumor has it that he was an apprentice to Mark Wahlberg in the art of the Beatdown-fu, and that only Wahlberg's kung-fu is stronger than Stossel.

4) Tells it like it is. Because its not worth beating around the bush. The only bush beating that Stossel does is in the sack. Boner.

5) I may, or may not have a giant boner for John Stossel. I totally do. And I am not gay. He is just that awesome.

6) John Stossel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If the above evidence doesn't convince you of how awesome Stossel is, you might as well quit this course because you're hopeless. You also probably need to get your teeth kicked in by Stossel himself. You won't even know its coming. All you will hear is the soft swish of that magnificent stache as he silently stalks you, and then boooooosh, you're a toothless fool.

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