Monday, June 22, 2009

Lesson #4: Kool-Aid


So its probably obvious to anyone with a flicker of awesomeness within them why Kool-Aid is totally fucking awesome. But just in case, I felt that this was an appropriate lesson for today. Because seriously this guy rules. Reasons:

1) The Kool Aid Man - Kool Aid is represented by one of the greatest cartoon superheroes of all time: The Kool-Aid Man himself. And thats right chumps, this guy is a superhero. Last I checked, the only way possible to slam through cinder-block walls without doing bodily harm to yourself was if you had super strength and invulnerability. Which, of course, this epic badass has. It has been said that the Kool-Aid man can lift over 42,000 x his bodyweight with one of his arms. This is probably because his arms are made of a diamond-composite bulletproof meta-crystalline compound known by some as "Koolinite". Its also because he has no internal organs, instead housing his CNS within his exoskeleton, leaving his entire inner body volume open for storage of liquid fuel: Kool-Aid, which he converts into pure energy and kickass.

From the official Kool-Aid Website it says that the Kool Aid man is 8' tall and 5' wide. Lets take that into a volume measurement for a second, I will even be generous and take 2' off for his legs, and 1 foot off of his width for exoskeleton thickness. That leaves 6x4. Thats 3164 gallons (rounded down), thats 6328 2-quart mixers... And we will come back to this in a moment:

2) Tons of sugar, all the time: Kool-Aid comes in about a million varieties, most of which call for at least one cup of sugar per 2 quarts of water. Thats right, an entire CUP of sugar. Get this, thats 774 Calories. Which means in one mixer of Kool-Aid is enough juice to keep a man running for a little over half of the waking day. Suck on that Diet Coke.

This also relates to above, because when you look at how much Kool Aid the Kool-Aid Man has in him, it works out to about 6328 mixes + sugar. Which means he has 4,897,872 Calories. Wait, did I hear that right? You did. FOUR FUCKING MILLION CALORIES. WTF?!
That means that there is enough fuel inside this epic hero to fuel around 2500 men for an entire day. B-O-N-E-R!

3) Tastes like Heaven: Pretty much Kool-Aid tastes awesome with anything. Especially with more Kool-Aid.

4) Blue is a flavor: Not a color.

5) FOUR MILLION CALORIES! WTFPWNT! I am pretty sure I should find a way to power my house with Kool-Aid.

6) Boner.

So thats it students. Thats why Kool-Aid is awesome. If you can find me another food that has a sponsor so totally awesome that he never uses a door, and breaks people's shit all the time we might have to get them added in as a lesson. But for now, the Kool-Aid man does the job. And by "the job" I mean: is totally awesome and breaks your face all the time.

1 comment:

  1. something about a doctor pimping koolaid just makes me laugh