Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner
Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:
1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.
2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.
3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.
4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.
5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.
6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.
7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.
8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".
That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.