Lesson #7: Captain Murphy

Okay all you Knights of Mars, its time that we talked about the greatest captain ever to pee in the Ocean. And of course I am talking about none other than the late and great Captain Murphy. Captain Murphy was the fearless leader of Sealab 2021, and star of a series of the same name.

A devout follower of Alvis, and founder of the Knights of Mars, Murphy was an epic beater of ass. And, he loved to sucker punch people. From making out with mops, to defeating monster Hesh, Captain Murphy swilled whiskey and swaggered in a way that only a man of his stature can.

Anyone who doesn't know who this guy is, needs to go and get bent. And then, probably, watch the show. This show reeks of awesome, and includes a cast of characters that doesn't stop rocking with the great Captain, you also get Hesh, Monster Hesh, Bizarro Stormy, Alvis, and of course: Marco, who has the strength of five Gorillas.

In case you didn't know, thats way stronger than you. And therefor better than you. But not as great as Captain Murphy.

So here's to the awesomest captain to ever awesome. He is dearly missed, and well remembered.

Doc Awesome

Lesson #6: Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so lets start by saying that just because this is lesson # 6 doesn't mean that Mark Wahlberg isn't the most awesome thing I have talked about or will ever talk about. Because it doesn't. Because Mark Wahlberg is without a doubt way more awesome than just about anything. Any by anything, I mean especially you.

In fact, Mark Wahlberg is so awesome, that I had to warm all you chumps up to his level of awesome in a step wise fashion. Thats right, John Stossel's moustache was just a stepping stone on the way to Wahlberg. Except not really, Mark Wahlberg is so totally fucking awesome, that the light from his awesomeness will take a billion years just to reach that glorious stache and illuminate its glorious bristles.

And glorious it would be.

Mark Wahlberg is the toughest mother eff'er to ever walk this earth, and the moon. Mark Wahlberg is so cool, he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Mark Wahlberg's core is so dense, that its mass is infinite, its volume is 0, and light cannot escape it. Mark Wahlberg punched Ghandi in the face, and Barrack Obama in the nuts.

And I know what those of you who suck are thinking. You're thinking: "Why does this guy think he's so awesome?!!!11!!??one!". I'll tell you why, because of this movie:

Thats right, the Big Hit. A movie of such importance, of such impact that the forces of Suck have done everything they can to bury it. Those hippies at rottentomatoes.com even gave it a 38%. 38%? Their face is 38% stupid and 100% fugly if they think this movie is only a 38%. More like, a BILLION PERCENT.

But I digress.

The point is that Mark Wahlberg owns everything. You especially. And probably your mother. He is the greatest action hero in the world and a famous lover of women and mothers. Mark Whalberg whooped the shit out of a planet of gorillas, he wtfpwnt a bunch of assassins, stole all your gold, got high and killed some other dudes, and shot Matt Damon in the face. Matt Damon can suck it. Think you're better than Wahlberg? You're not.

Doc Awesome

Lesson #5: Grimlock

Thats right chumps. Grimlock. He no Bozo, he King. Get used to it. Because Grimlock is without a doubt, totally awesome. And when I say totally awesome, I also mean totally badass.

For those of you who suck, lets start from the beginning so you can be sure that you don't miss an awesome beat in this lesson. Grimlock is the king of the Dinobots, a subset of the Autobot Transformers, the epic heroes of a sweet ass 80's cartoon that owned my face all the time.

Grimlock was created by Wheeljack, a totally sweet Indy Race Car robot man who realized that the Autobots didn't have a cookies chance in my mouth of surviving their fight with the evil and kickass Decepticons. Wheeljack in his infinite wisdom realized that he was going to need some big guns. So enter Grimlock and the Dinobots. Because when it comes to robot domination transforming into cars and stuff just doesn't hack it. They needed GIANT METAL DINOSAURS.

Well Grimlock does his job, something that no other Autobot could do. He and his goons, guys named Slag and Sludge (boner), whooped all of the Decepticons at once. Then, when they got back and Optimus Prime tried to tell him what to do, so Grimlock put Prime in his place and beat all the Autobot's asses too. Suck it forces of good. The forces of Awesome prevail once again.

Grimlock, armed with a lazer sword, fire breath, and a strength to rival the Kool-Aid man is totally unstoppable. He stomps people's faces all the time, and breathes fire.

And the best part, he doesn't give a shit what you think about anything. Because him Grimlock, strongest leader. And really, who can argue with that? I'll tell you who, nobody but Mark Whalberg. Grimlock talks like a hero, drinks like a hero, and stomps face like a hero. And if you don't like it, you can get bent.

And really, thats what being awesome is all about. Stomping everything all the time, and not caring what anyone thinks about it. Boom.

So next time you are thinking "I don't know if I should do this, people might think I'm weird..." you should just think, "How would Grimlock handle this?". The answer is probably to yell a lot, and say something like "Me _________ (insert name) no Bozo! Me awesome!".

Doc Awesome

Lesson #4: Kool-Aid

OH YEEEAH!

So its probably obvious to anyone with a flicker of awesomeness within them why Kool-Aid is totally fucking awesome. But just in case, I felt that this was an appropriate lesson for today. Because seriously this guy rules. Reasons:

1) The Kool Aid Man - Kool Aid is represented by one of the greatest cartoon superheroes of all time: The Kool-Aid Man himself. And thats right chumps, this guy is a superhero. Last I checked, the only way possible to slam through cinder-block walls without doing bodily harm to yourself was if you had super strength and invulnerability. Which, of course, this epic badass has. It has been said that the Kool-Aid man can lift over 42,000 x his bodyweight with one of his arms. This is probably because his arms are made of a diamond-composite bulletproof meta-crystalline compound known by some as "Koolinite". Its also because he has no internal organs, instead housing his CNS within his exoskeleton, leaving his entire inner body volume open for storage of liquid fuel: Kool-Aid, which he converts into pure energy and kickass.

From the official Kool-Aid Website it says that the Kool Aid man is 8' tall and 5' wide. Lets take that into a volume measurement for a second, I will even be generous and take 2' off for his legs, and 1 foot off of his width for exoskeleton thickness. That leaves 6x4. Thats 3164 gallons (rounded down), thats 6328 2-quart mixers... And we will come back to this in a moment:

2) Tons of sugar, all the time: Kool-Aid comes in about a million varieties, most of which call for at least one cup of sugar per 2 quarts of water. Thats right, an entire CUP of sugar. Get this, thats 774 Calories. Which means in one mixer of Kool-Aid is enough juice to keep a man running for a little over half of the waking day. Suck on that Diet Coke.

This also relates to above, because when you look at how much Kool Aid the Kool-Aid Man has in him, it works out to about 6328 mixes + sugar. Which means he has 4,897,872 Calories. Wait, did I hear that right? You did. FOUR FUCKING MILLION CALORIES. WTF?!

That means that there is enough fuel inside this epic hero to fuel around 2500 men for an entire day. B-O-N-E-R!

3) Tastes like Heaven: Pretty much Kool-Aid tastes awesome with anything. Especially with more Kool-Aid.

4) Blue is a flavor: Not a color.

5) FOUR MILLION CALORIES! WTFPWNT! I am pretty sure I should find a way to power my house with Kool-Aid.

6) Boner.

So thats it students. Thats why Kool-Aid is awesome. If you can find me another food that has a sponsor so totally awesome that he never uses a door, and breaks people's shit all the time we might have to get them added in as a lesson. But for now, the Kool-Aid man does the job. And by "the job" I mean: is totally awesome and breaks your face all the time.

Lesson #3: John Stossel

John Stossel is totally fucking awesome:


Lets examine the evidence shall we?


1) Badass Moustache. Perhaps I should have covered by Moustaches are awesome in the first place. Sounds like I have another lesson planned. But lets get real here. That stache totally rocks my world. Not only do all women love it and want to play with it, but all men wish they had it. And by all men I mean mostly me.


2) Libertarian Beatdown. John Stossel gives it to liberals in the teeth everday. He stood in front of the capitol building in D.C. and told everyone to pull their heads out of eachothers asses. He then drank 3 brawndos, flexed his muscles, and caused an earthquake. I know its real because I saw it on TV.


3) Karate: John Stossel knows it. Rumor has it that he was an apprentice to Mark Wahlberg in the art of the Beatdown-fu, and that only Wahlberg's kung-fu is stronger than Stossel.


4) Tells it like it is. Because its not worth beating around the bush. The only bush beating that Stossel does is in the sack. Boner.


5) I may, or may not have a giant boner for John Stossel. I totally do. And I am not gay. He is just that awesome.


6) John Stossel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


If the above evidence doesn't convince you of how awesome Stossel is, you might as well quit this course because you're hopeless. You also probably need to get your teeth kicked in by Stossel himself. You won't even know its coming. All you will hear is the soft swish of that magnificent stache as he silently stalks you, and then boooooosh, you're a toothless fool.

Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.


If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.