Lesson #12: Dogs

Well now that the OUTER FLIPPIN SPACE unit is over, I thought we should bring things back down to earth, as in a lot closer down to earth. As in, Dogs. Now you might have thought that I meant snakes, or maybe the monsters from Tremors. And those aren't not awesome, but they ain't dogs.

Dogs totally rule. They are not only Man's Best Friend, but they are also covered in fur and get to poop wherever they want. You have to be pretty awesome to have earned THAT kind of freedom. And it goes without saying that they don't wear pants. But we've covered that in previous lessons.

So why are dogs awesome? And more importantly, how can you chumps learn How To Be Totally Awesome like dogs? Well lets list the ways:

1) Dogs are Loyal as hell!: Thats right, a dog would die for his friend. He would throw himself infront of an attacker, a car, a bear, or maybe even an elephant. Dogs are fearless protector, and as if having no fear wasn't awesome enough, they have:

2) Sharp Ass Teeth: Because really, what a best friend if he or she doesn't have some big friggin fangs to bite people's asses off when they mess with your DVD collection, or try and drink all your beer. Sick Em Duke!

3) They Have Awesome Names: Like Duke. Or Fido, or Mauler, or Winifred, or Beef Supreme, or even Microwave. I mean realy, you can't name your kids that kind of crazy shit, but with your dogs anything goes. And then, when you're wandering down the street calling out for "Microwave" everyone thinks you're crazy. Only you're not, you're actually beat ass and great, and they are chumps for not having a sweet ass dog.

4) Eat Anything: Dogs will eat anything. Including your worst enemy's face if they start to act like a swamp donkey at your party. But especially they love bacon. But who doesn't?! Bacon is delicious. So maybe a better example would be how they will eat anything else, like roadkill, or your neigbors shitty cat that keeps pissing on your patio. Suck it CATS!

5) No Pants. Its worth mentioning again.

6) Tails: They rule. They wag and sometimes knock shit over. AND, they provide endless entertainment in the form of something to chase. And even if you can't have a tail like a dog, you can get a dog that has one.

And thats probably the best part. If you are a total chump and can't act like a dog, at least you can get one. And as long as you take care of it and shit, you're way more awesome than you were before. ROCK ON!

Oh, and for the record. Small dogs suck. If a dog isn't big enough to fetch a beer, its probably just a cat in disguise. Get a real dog, or get lost!

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.