Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.


If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.