Lesson #11: Captain James T. Kirk

No Space Unit would be complete without a shout out to the best captain ever to have sex with tons of space babes, that captain is of course: James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise.

Captain Kirk is pretty much an ultimate badass. He has flown all the way across the known galaxy, he has battled the Kingons near Uranus. He even saved a bunch of whales. But don't think that this makes him a hippie. Oh no, because he's no hippie. He's just totally awesome.

Lets take a look at the ways in which Captain Kirk is awesome, and how you should attempt to be like him:

1) Hot Space Babes: Captain Kirk mac'ed on them all the flippin' time. Some were blue, some were green, some had oddly shaped head, and some of them probably had bizarre genitalia. Hell, a few of them might not have even been "females" in the classical sense of the term. But they were all hot like lava. BONER.

2) Bones McCoy: You know you're a fucking hero when your best friend is a doctor named "Bones". Holy Crap. Bones is Kirk's side kick on all of the coolest missions, and he is a space doctor. Now listen, I am friggin' sweet and max awesome and I am just a regular doctor. This guy is a fucking SPACE DOCTOR, and he's just a side kick to Kirk! WTF!?

3) Death Rays: Kirk shoots them all the time. Only they called them phasers. Whatever, I know a death ray when I see one.

4) Spock Sucks: And Kirk told him all the time about it. Logic? Please. The powers of Logic pale before the powers of Awesome, and Captain Kirk proved this by being right all the time, and saving Spock's green blooded ass all the time. Suck it planet Vulcan.

5) Starfleet: Lets see you graduate from it. Oh thats right, you can't.

6) Face

7) He's portrayed on the screen by William Shatner, who I have it on good authority drives a limo around with the license plate "THE SHAT" on it. Bangarang.


I don't know, I could keep going but lets be honest, you don't deserve it. You have to earn awesomeness like that, and you guys are only on Lesson #11. Get real!

And on that awesome note, we are going to close out the space unit. Thanks for playing.


Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

Lesson #2: Beer.

Beer needs to be an early lesson, because beer is important*. To ensure maximum clarity I have listed several other acceptable names for beer that may be used later in the blog:

1) Manfuel
2) Liquid Bread
4) Ale, Grog, Stout
5) Canned Courage
6) Liquid Boner

Now that we are clear on the terminology, lets cover some beer rules:

1) Don't be a picky bitch. Beer is beer is beer is good. Nothing is shittier than someone who whines and bitches about how my beer, er... anyone's beer isn't good enough. I like Miller Lite out of a can. Cans rule. If you don't like it, fine. But don't bitch. Remember, drink the beer that is given to you because its good, because its beer.

2) Its okay to have a favorite. In fact, anyone who is awesome needs a favorite beer. Sometimes two favorite beers. This is the beer that YOU choose, in your fridge or at your funeral.

3) Beer goes good with anything. The next time someone cringes when I say I like beer with pasta, or steak, or chicken, or pie, or cake, or cotton candy... they are getting punched in the nose. Beer is delicious with whatever you are eating. This kind of falls under the "don't be picky" rule.

4) Never give Beer to a guy named Steve. Trust me. There are other Steve exclusions too. This is just the first.

5) Play "Wizard Staff" all the time.

6) Don't be a drunken ass. There is beer o'clock, sure. But most times its sober o'clock.

7) Don't be afraid to get drunk. Because you're not too good for it. If you think you are, you're not awesome. In fact, you probably suck*.

8) Never drink and drive an Elephant. Awesome people always have a designated Elephant driver. On second thought, don't drink and drive, because if there is one thing that isn't awesome, its a night spent in county with a lonely gangbanger named "Bruno".

That covers it for now, there are likely to be more advanced lessons on Beer later in the blog. Its an important enough subject that it warrants multiple lessons. *Recovering Alcoholics can skip this lesson.