Lesson #15: Pirate/Zomboni Driver

I know. You can't believe it. Here you were thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other profession other than Ninja/Doctor or Lumberjack/Commando that would ever match up. And then you read the title of this post, and your mind exploded into a glorious explosion of beer and bbq ribs.

Because thats right chumps. There is another profession that is going to make the list. Well actually, there are two, but we already covered "Pimp/Space Ship Captain" in the lesson about Captain James T. Kirk.

And I'll be honest, this is a tough post to write. Or at least it would be tough if I wasn't so flippin' great that nothing was tough for me *flex*. Because seriously, everything about both of these professions is already self evident enough that it doesn't really even need to be taught. But you chumps need it don't you? Totally.

So lets talk about whats so awesome about being a Pirate/Zamboni Driver.

1) Zamboni > Pirate Ship: Because really, what can a pirate ship do that a zamboni can't? Thats right, nothing. Pirate ships sail on the sea? Zambonis are equipped with hovercraft devices AND smooth the ice. Pirate ships shoot cannons? Zambonis shoot lazers and hot dogs. Zambonis are so awesome, that some doofus invented a beatass fighting sport called "Hockey" that could be played between zamboni rounds. Awesome.

2) Stealing Stuff Rules: as long as its a maritime hobby. Because otherwise stealing shit happens. But bitches, when you're in international waters how else are you supposed to get some booty? Pirates get mad loot, and then they bury it. Which sounds pretty damn awesome to me.

3) Babes: Think you're going to get chicks driving around in your Honda Civic or your Corvette? Forget about it. Now you pull a Zamboni up to the bar, and you're set to jet. Because when you're NOT in international waters, THATS how you get some booty. See what I did there, how I tied that together, oh man, I am totally awesome.

4) Beer: Because the ONLY time its cool to drink and drive, is when you have a sweet ass pirate name like "Black Beard" or "Jolly Roger" and you're driving a flippin' zamboni.

5) Rum: Because you have to chase your beer with something. And if there is one thing that pirates know, its rum. Plus, only Pirate/Zamboni Drivers can drink Canadian Rum:

6) Time Travel: Zamboni's can time travel.

So pretty much thats it. Now you are all educated on the most awesomest professions that ever awesomed. If you can ever manage to be one of those 3/6 professions, you're probably pretty awesome, and need not read further. But if you can't, won't, or don't understand. You'd have better read on. FACE.

Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

Lesson #11: Captain James T. Kirk

No Space Unit would be complete without a shout out to the best captain ever to have sex with tons of space babes, that captain is of course: James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise.

Captain Kirk is pretty much an ultimate badass. He has flown all the way across the known galaxy, he has battled the Kingons near Uranus. He even saved a bunch of whales. But don't think that this makes him a hippie. Oh no, because he's no hippie. He's just totally awesome.

Lets take a look at the ways in which Captain Kirk is awesome, and how you should attempt to be like him:

1) Hot Space Babes: Captain Kirk mac'ed on them all the flippin' time. Some were blue, some were green, some had oddly shaped head, and some of them probably had bizarre genitalia. Hell, a few of them might not have even been "females" in the classical sense of the term. But they were all hot like lava. BONER.

2) Bones McCoy: You know you're a fucking hero when your best friend is a doctor named "Bones". Holy Crap. Bones is Kirk's side kick on all of the coolest missions, and he is a space doctor. Now listen, I am friggin' sweet and max awesome and I am just a regular doctor. This guy is a fucking SPACE DOCTOR, and he's just a side kick to Kirk! WTF!?

3) Death Rays: Kirk shoots them all the time. Only they called them phasers. Whatever, I know a death ray when I see one.

4) Spock Sucks: And Kirk told him all the time about it. Logic? Please. The powers of Logic pale before the powers of Awesome, and Captain Kirk proved this by being right all the time, and saving Spock's green blooded ass all the time. Suck it planet Vulcan.

5) Starfleet: Lets see you graduate from it. Oh thats right, you can't.

6) Face

7) He's portrayed on the screen by William Shatner, who I have it on good authority drives a limo around with the license plate "THE SHAT" on it. Bangarang.


I don't know, I could keep going but lets be honest, you don't deserve it. You have to earn awesomeness like that, and you guys are only on Lesson #11. Get real!

And on that awesome note, we are going to close out the space unit. Thanks for playing.


Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

UNIT 2: OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. Lesson #9: Neil Armstrong

HOLY OUTER SPACE Batman, its our second Unit! Thats right, Unit, with a capital U. Lets talk about how you are already a little more awesome because you have completed the first unit. Or, lets face it, you're probably a lot more awesome. Because you might have sucked a lot.

But thats behind us now, and its time for our second unit. OUTER FLIPPIN' SPACE. And if we are going to have a unit on outer space, it makes sense that we are going to have to talk about Neil Armstrong. Because this epic badass was the first man to walk on the MOON. Thats right, the MOON. As in that ball of light that we see at night, that is hundreds of thousands of miles away. And as if it wasn't enough for this hero of heroes to look at the moon like the rest of us, he shot himself in a fucking rocket, off the EARTH, through SPACE, and walked on it. I mean seriously. What the hell?! Let me ask you, how many of you chumps were the first human beings to walk on the moon? Oh thats right, none of you. Because you're not as awesome as Armstrong.

Really, what else is this hardcore monster of a man going to do in his life that will compare to this? What can any of us do? Answer: Nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been some other awesome badasses. Some Russian badasses. Then there were those guys on Apollo 13. I am pretty sure it was Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon. I saw it. Twice. Anyway, they rule too. Because space is awesome. Why is space awesome? Well its bigger than you for one thing. Plus, hot alien babes. Thats right: babes. Don't worry, more on that later in this unit. And there are black holes, from which only Mark Wahlberg can escape riding on the Trolley.

We have started with Neil Armstrong, and we will have some other entries to come. Mostly space personalities. So come back to class next time, and be prepared to have your face totally space rocked.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome.

Lesson #6: Mark Wahlberg

Okay, so lets start by saying that just because this is lesson # 6 doesn't mean that Mark Wahlberg isn't the most awesome thing I have talked about or will ever talk about. Because it doesn't. Because Mark Wahlberg is without a doubt way more awesome than just about anything. Any by anything, I mean especially you.

In fact, Mark Wahlberg is so awesome, that I had to warm all you chumps up to his level of awesome in a step wise fashion. Thats right, John Stossel's moustache was just a stepping stone on the way to Wahlberg. Except not really, Mark Wahlberg is so totally fucking awesome, that the light from his awesomeness will take a billion years just to reach that glorious stache and illuminate its glorious bristles.

And glorious it would be.

Mark Wahlberg is the toughest mother eff'er to ever walk this earth, and the moon. Mark Wahlberg is so cool, he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Mark Wahlberg's core is so dense, that its mass is infinite, its volume is 0, and light cannot escape it. Mark Wahlberg punched Ghandi in the face, and Barrack Obama in the nuts.

And I know what those of you who suck are thinking. You're thinking: "Why does this guy think he's so awesome?!!!11!!??one!". I'll tell you why, because of this movie:

Thats right, the Big Hit. A movie of such importance, of such impact that the forces of Suck have done everything they can to bury it. Those hippies at rottentomatoes.com even gave it a 38%. 38%? Their face is 38% stupid and 100% fugly if they think this movie is only a 38%. More like, a BILLION PERCENT.

But I digress.

The point is that Mark Wahlberg owns everything. You especially. And probably your mother. He is the greatest action hero in the world and a famous lover of women and mothers. Mark Whalberg whooped the shit out of a planet of gorillas, he wtfpwnt a bunch of assassins, stole all your gold, got high and killed some other dudes, and shot Matt Damon in the face. Matt Damon can suck it. Think you're better than Wahlberg? You're not.

Doc Awesome

Lesson #4: Kool-Aid

OH YEEEAH!

So its probably obvious to anyone with a flicker of awesomeness within them why Kool-Aid is totally fucking awesome. But just in case, I felt that this was an appropriate lesson for today. Because seriously this guy rules. Reasons:

1) The Kool Aid Man - Kool Aid is represented by one of the greatest cartoon superheroes of all time: The Kool-Aid Man himself. And thats right chumps, this guy is a superhero. Last I checked, the only way possible to slam through cinder-block walls without doing bodily harm to yourself was if you had super strength and invulnerability. Which, of course, this epic badass has. It has been said that the Kool-Aid man can lift over 42,000 x his bodyweight with one of his arms. This is probably because his arms are made of a diamond-composite bulletproof meta-crystalline compound known by some as "Koolinite". Its also because he has no internal organs, instead housing his CNS within his exoskeleton, leaving his entire inner body volume open for storage of liquid fuel: Kool-Aid, which he converts into pure energy and kickass.

From the official Kool-Aid Website it says that the Kool Aid man is 8' tall and 5' wide. Lets take that into a volume measurement for a second, I will even be generous and take 2' off for his legs, and 1 foot off of his width for exoskeleton thickness. That leaves 6x4. Thats 3164 gallons (rounded down), thats 6328 2-quart mixers... And we will come back to this in a moment:

2) Tons of sugar, all the time: Kool-Aid comes in about a million varieties, most of which call for at least one cup of sugar per 2 quarts of water. Thats right, an entire CUP of sugar. Get this, thats 774 Calories. Which means in one mixer of Kool-Aid is enough juice to keep a man running for a little over half of the waking day. Suck on that Diet Coke.

This also relates to above, because when you look at how much Kool Aid the Kool-Aid Man has in him, it works out to about 6328 mixes + sugar. Which means he has 4,897,872 Calories. Wait, did I hear that right? You did. FOUR FUCKING MILLION CALORIES. WTF?!

That means that there is enough fuel inside this epic hero to fuel around 2500 men for an entire day. B-O-N-E-R!

3) Tastes like Heaven: Pretty much Kool-Aid tastes awesome with anything. Especially with more Kool-Aid.

4) Blue is a flavor: Not a color.

5) FOUR MILLION CALORIES! WTFPWNT! I am pretty sure I should find a way to power my house with Kool-Aid.

6) Boner.

So thats it students. Thats why Kool-Aid is awesome. If you can find me another food that has a sponsor so totally awesome that he never uses a door, and breaks people's shit all the time we might have to get them added in as a lesson. But for now, the Kool-Aid man does the job. And by "the job" I mean: is totally awesome and breaks your face all the time.

Lesson #1: Elephants

You might be thinking, "Elephants, wtf?". And thats a reasonable question to have, if you suck. So thats the first mini-lesson, if you don't immediately think "Elephants kick ass" when you saw this lesson, you're already behind.

So catch up, Elephants rock it out all the time. Forever. And they never forget, even after a bender.

But back to the lessson. When considering Elephants, here's what you need to know to be awesome:

1) Ride an Elephant whenever possible. If there is even the remote chance of an Elephant ride, you need to be all over that business. Bareback if you can, but anyway is more awesome than not.

2) Never F' with an Elephant Peanuts. You wouldn't like it if someone messed with your peanuts. Peanuts are sacred. Its obvious.

3) Don't punch an Elephant. Unless you're Mark Wahlberg, because chances are, the Elephant will kick your ass. Of course if you're Mark Wahlberg, thats a different story.


If you can follow these three rules with Elephants, you are sure to rock it out all the time like an Elephant does. How do I know? Because I totally rode an Elephant today. Thats right chumps, a live Elephant. 4 Tons of hulking gray kickass allowed me, Doc Awesome, on its back. If I had wanted too, I could have stomped the shit out of everyone around. But I didn't, because I was jonesing for some cotton candy. Score.

Its that simple people. Ride the Elephant. Everyone who is awesome does it all the time.

Introduction to Awesomeness

This is an introduction course on how to be awesome. Lets call it a prerequisite to all other lessons. What we are going to cover here is who I am and why I am awesome. We are also going to cover a little bit about the background of this shameless blog, and what it is all about.

1) Me: I am totally awesome. A recent medical graduate, I am married to a hot chick, employed, and educated. Thats pretty swizzeet, another word for awesome. Do you have to be those things to be awesome? Nope. But it sure as hell doesn't hurt.

2) Why I am doing this: Because I like helping people. Its why I went into medicine, and its why I started this blog. Some people, they just need a double shot of awesomness, and I think I am the dude to give it to them. And for cheap laughs. Mostly for the cheap laughs.

3) What this blog is: Its a guide, of sorts. I am going to post about what it takes, and what needs to be done to be totally awesome. A lot of this stuff is stuff that has happened to me or I have done. Some of it is from other people I know. Some of it is totally made up because this is the internet and I can do whatever I want.

4) Boner: Boner is a word I am going to use to describe totally swizzeet and awesome situations. Because sometimes things are so awesome, they give me a boner. And boners, are awesome. If you don't like it, you can leave.

5) Steak: Eat it, all the time. Whenever you can. And even when you can't.

6) Srsly: This is an internet blog. Grains of salt recommended to be taken with any dosage of awesomeness you receive here.

7) Try this at home: Or don't. If you get hurt trying to be this awesome, it ain't my fault.


So thats it. Thats your intro. Its all you're getting chumps. Deal with it. More to come in the days ahead. And before you know it, you'll be a lot more awesome.