Lesson #10: Chewbacca

Alright suckbags, time for a hairy slap to the face by none other than the hairiest 8' of awesome to ever cruise the stars. Thats right, I am of course talking about Chewbacca. Totally awesome. I suppose that an introduction is in order in case you have lived in a cave without a TV for the past 30 years. Chewbacca is the engineer and enforcer of the Millenium Falcon, which is almost deserving of its own post. He wanders from system to system beating everyone in the face and laughing it up all the time.

Lets list out the reasons that he is awesome:

1) Biggest Moustache EVER: Chewbacca's stache is flippin' epic. Its almost as big as outer space itself, and its certainly bigger than you. This guys stache is at least 6 feet long, and extends downward to cover his wookie nuts, something all space babes cry about constantly, because they want them bad. Except they also want his moustache, so who knows whats going on. Anyway, it also extends back around and covers the rest of his body too. EPIC.

2) Han Solo (shown above): Thats right, Chewie is so totally awesome that his freakin' side kick is Han Solo, who is in Awesome Debt to Chewie. Which means that there was this one time when Han was all drunk and dancing like a douche, and Chewie totally saved him from being embarassed and probably being himself. From then on Han always owed a great debt to Chewie and vowed to follow him all over space like a lost puppy until he could do something like that for Chewie. Which will never happen, because Wookies can hold their liqour.

3) Bowcaster: Fuck lightsabers. Those futuristic dildos are for chumps. Really? A beam of light. SUCK. What Chewie has is a fucking space gun. Except its better than a gun because it looks like a crossbow. Thats right, having a regular laser gun isn't good enough for Chewie, he needs one that is twice as awesome because its shaped like another awesome weapon. It also fires bullets and rockets.

4) Flippin' HUGE: Look at him! He's huge!

5) No pants. Wookies don't wear pants. You know you are jealous, and probably a little turned on right now. I know I am, in fact, I think maybe I should work up the guts to not wear pants ever... woah, slow down Doc, not even I am that awesome.

6) He'll Eat You: Seriously, he's a Wookie. He can rip your arms off and eat them.

So thats pretty much it in a nutshell. There is a long list of his achievements, like beating Darth Vader at armwrestling, farting on the Emperor's pillow when he was out to lunch, and banging 3/5 of Jabba's dancers as well as his Rancor... but we won't get into that right now. Because frankly, I don't know if I can handle the awesome.

So laugh it up fuzzballs. Chewbacca is totally awesome, and if you want to be totally awesome, you should try to be more like him.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #3: John Stossel

John Stossel is totally fucking awesome:


Lets examine the evidence shall we?


1) Badass Moustache. Perhaps I should have covered by Moustaches are awesome in the first place. Sounds like I have another lesson planned. But lets get real here. That stache totally rocks my world. Not only do all women love it and want to play with it, but all men wish they had it. And by all men I mean mostly me.


2) Libertarian Beatdown. John Stossel gives it to liberals in the teeth everday. He stood in front of the capitol building in D.C. and told everyone to pull their heads out of eachothers asses. He then drank 3 brawndos, flexed his muscles, and caused an earthquake. I know its real because I saw it on TV.


3) Karate: John Stossel knows it. Rumor has it that he was an apprentice to Mark Wahlberg in the art of the Beatdown-fu, and that only Wahlberg's kung-fu is stronger than Stossel.


4) Tells it like it is. Because its not worth beating around the bush. The only bush beating that Stossel does is in the sack. Boner.


5) I may, or may not have a giant boner for John Stossel. I totally do. And I am not gay. He is just that awesome.


6) John Stossel drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


If the above evidence doesn't convince you of how awesome Stossel is, you might as well quit this course because you're hopeless. You also probably need to get your teeth kicked in by Stossel himself. You won't even know its coming. All you will hear is the soft swish of that magnificent stache as he silently stalks you, and then boooooosh, you're a toothless fool.