LESSON #24 - GUNS

Whats up chumps!?  Time for another lesson about how to be awesome.  This one is sure to be controversial and piss people off.  GOOD.  If my posts piss you off you can get bent sucker!  Because I'm not here to pat you on the back and tell you everything is okay.  I'm here to reveal to you the ways of being awesome, or at the very least the ways of sucking just a little bit less.

And today we're going to talk about GUNS.

(Pictured: the finest firearm available to civilians, the Scar 17H)

That's right.  Guns.  Mankind's greatest tool for acute thoracic ventilation of those about to do you harm.  Guns are pretty tricky though, because they can go fro awesome to really sucky really fast.  And they aren't for everyone.  My 4 year old, for instance, shouldn't have a gun.  Apparently neither should Bernie Sanders supporters.  But in the right hands (re: almost everyone's) guns provide us with some pretty important options.

1:  Hunting

Never forget, that we are at the top of the food chain, and its awesome.  That means that we get to eat pretty much anything that doesn't know that it exists or doesn't have the potential to know that it exists (So everything except cetaceans, great apes, certain cephalopods, elephants, and possibly racoons).  Eating meat rules.  And the best way to eat said meat is to go out and get it yourself!

("I don't trust meat from the grocery store, it makes me nervous" -some bearded guy)

"But killing animals is wrong." ~Every stupid liberal who watched too many Disney movies as a kid where animals talked or acted like people.

See, animals aren't people.  Well, most of them aren't people.  I don't care about some animal's feelings if it can't have feelings.  The exceptions above are listed precisely because those animals CAN have feelings, and so should probably avoid being hunted.

And if you're going to hunt, I suggest you do it with a gun.  Why?  First, your best chances are with a gun.   Second, while killing animals for food is the best, there's no reason to waste all your time doing it.  You have other awesome shit to do, so you should get your hunting done quickly.  And, you might want to do it at range...

(pictured: close combat expert)

And that brings me to the second thing that guns do:

2:  Equalize.

Imagine a totally suck-tastic world for just a minute.  A world without guns.  This is easy, because for all but about 300 years of human history this is what the world looked like.  Now, imagine for a moment, that you're living in your house, with your family, and this guy barges in:

(6'9" tall, 20" Biceps, can bench two of your fatasses - oh, and his name is Halfthor, because even this guy isn't as awesome as whole-Thor)

Scary right?  It is.  Because unless you're an ultimate martial arts badass, chances are that without a gun someone as big as Halfthor up there is going to do whatever he wants with you.    And while most people are typically good - the dude barging into your house/hut/cave uninvited probably isn't.  And for all of human history, guys like that got to do whatever they wanted.  But not anymore, why?  Because even a "Mountain who Rides" will think twice before facing down a few of these:

(*rounds)

Firearms make small men large.  And that is a good thing.  Sure, a villain with a gun could come into your home as well.  At least if you have a firearm yourself you're still up a leg from being on home turf. Not just actually having a gun and using either, but the threat of a gun is often enough to make someone think twice.  Good people having guns does mean that some bad people will have guns too.  After all, maybe you're the villain.  That is a price I'm willing to pay for equalization.

3:  Freedom

Ooh, this one is great.  See, guns are fucking awesome because I have a God-given right to have one.  My ancestors bit, kicked, shot, and bled for me to be here today, at the top of the goddamn heap.  And thanks to them and a consti-fucking-tution that recognizes God-given rights I get to own guns.  Not all guns, its true.  And that sucks.  But the guns I get to have are still pretty awesome, and enough to make even the fascists in central government think twice before fucking with the entire population.  Guns buy freedom.  Yeah, I'm no trained soldier.  And I don't stand a chance against a drone strike.  If Big Brother comes a knocking for me specifically, its going to be tough times for ol' Doc Awesome.  But it isn't just me with guns, its 31% of us.  Is revolution likely?  No.  But never forget who our leader is, and who it almost was.  History is rife with the bodies of people who thought "that could never happen here".

(Avoids referencing Hitler = internet victory is mine!)

4:  Pissing off stupid chumps.

This might be the best part.  Wait, no, killing giant hogs and making bacon is the best part. WAIT, no, freedom is the best part.  Eff, there is so much awesome about guns that I can't decide what the best part is.  Its all great.  But especially the fact that being one of the 31% of households cheezes a lot of idiots off.

(pictured: another awesome Doctor)

Guns are great because they are controversial.  Watching statists sputter and bluster over the fact that I have the exercised right to fire pieces of brass and lead downrange at 2800fps is just too much fun to give up.  People who suck will never get it, and its hilarious.  Every last one of them can kiss my ass and chordle my nuts.  Most of them don't have the cajones to even hold a firearm, let alone try firing one.  Don't worry, for those asshats there is always Nerf.

(pictured: my childhood)

That is all for today.  At least in terms of lessons.  I am sure that a ton of stupid people are going to have shitty stupid opinions about guns.  Remember, thats one of the best things about them.  And I am sure that some fool will likely do something completely not-awesome with guns in the future.  It'll happen, just wait for it.  But it isn't because their guns, or their right to have guns.  Its because they suck.  I hope I never have to fire my gun at another person.  Firing a gun at a person would be the second worst thing in the world... right behind letting that shithead do whatever they were going to do that made you shoot them.

Bangarang!

Doc Awesome

LESSON #23 - POLITICS

The world is going crazy!  DONALD TRUMP is our President, the Commander-in-Hair!  Look at this!

(Expletive Deleted)

This may or may not be a sign of the end times.  If it is, GREAT!  Let it all burn!  If it isn't, aw man really what more is going to have to give?  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.   Trump was running against the only other person in American that was worse than him:

(Biiiiiiillllllllllll!)

Sweet baby Jesus that is one crazy bitch.  Hillary was literally the worst.  No, really.  There was a giant Nation-wide contest to decide who was the worst, and who was the second worst.  She lost.  She lost the contest.  Against Donald Trump.  She fucking lost.  Congratulations on being the best Hillary... at being the worst.  Stupid bitch.

And that brings me to our 23rd Lesson in how to be totally awesome: Politics.

Disclosure: Politics aren't awesome.  There are something like 1000 asshats in your state and federal governments that repeatedly kiss your ass election cycle after election cycle just to bait and switch your ass for the following 1.5-5.5 years until they need to be re-elected.  They all lie.  They all suck.  Every last one of them.  None of them want what is best for you, and even if they do, they are probably still societies collective shit-stains.  BUT, they are necessary.  To quote this guy:

(This picture was too awesome for color)

"Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others."

That sums it about it.  Democracy blows.  Mostly because almost everyone in America sucks butt and doesn't read this blog.  But not you: you're chin deep in the Awesome curriculum.  So lets get down to the brass tacks and figure out how we can bring a little Awesome to the Dumpster Fire that is modern politics.

1:  KNOW YOUR SHIT

(pictured: what you might eat if you don't know your shit)

This will surprise 99% of people.  But the first thing you can do is actually know wtf you're talking about before you open your dumb mouth.  Don't know how the Federal Reserve works?  Don't bitch about it.  Unsure what the rate of illegals crossing the border is?  Then why the hell are you demanding the rest of us pay for your dumb ass wall?  These issues are going to cost real money, and probably ruin real lives.  The government is going to fuck someone, and if you don't know up from down and vote anyway that someone is probably going to be you.  I mean - it'll probably be you anyway, but might as well improve your chances.  Do the research.  Read.  Find websites that agree with you, then find some that don't.  Then find some that teach you something you didn't even know you agreed or disagreed with.  Its called knowing your shit.

2:  BE PHILOSOPHICALLY CONSISTENT

(Bruce Lee, mothertruckers!)

Fun fact - most people are politically/philosophically inconsistent douche bag's who's political philosophies revolve around hero worship.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'm clearly a fan of hero worship (Ron Swanson, Yukon Cornelius, Captain Kirk, etc) when the heroes are worth a damn.  But there is a key difference between the aforementioned legendary badasses and most politicians: consistency.  Trump says he is pro-life, but then funds planned parenthood.  Trump wants to repeal Obamacare, but then upholds the Obama Administrations appeal to the federal court which said Obamacare was illegal.  And don't think Trump is the only one.  Hillary changed her entire personality to be like Bernie Sanders, a fucking socialist loon!

(Pictured: Ben and Jerry's newest flavor: Crazy Socialist Old Fool.  Its flavored like deviled eggs, metamucil, and "liking Ike".)

And really, all this bullshittery stems from one problem: top-down politics.  The Government is like this crazy armed grab bag where people try to vote for what they want the world to look like - never considering that no one else gives a shit and really most people want to be left alone.  And of course most people are selfish, not-awesome assholes who's version of Utopia involves every one else footing the bill for their "rights".  "Rights" being whatever the fuck we decide we want other people to pay for this election cycle.  People want a certain outcome.  And so they vote for that outcome.  The problem is voting for outcomes is stupid, and means trampling on other people, and usually on your own actual ideals.  Want to be awesome?  Buck the trend and make a better choice.  BOTTOM-UP Politics:

3:  WORK FROM THE BOTTOM UP

(If ever you're confused, just remember: drinking)

Once you know your shit, and you're determined to be consistent to your core beliefs - start at the very very bottom.  What do you believe in?  Me?  I believe in being my fucking self.  And to do that I gotta be left alone.  I can't have people trampling over my right to speak, and believe whatever crazy shit I want to believe.  Well FUCK.  Guess if I am going to be left alone, I'll have to leave other people alone.  Have an opinion different than mine?  You're a dumbass turd.  But you still get to voice your wrong ass opinion.  Because that's consistent. And really I can take that further.  I think people should be left along to pursue their lives - that means I don't tax them more than I have to, I don't pay for their shit... of course, *gasp* that means that they don't have to pay for mine either.  Consistency.

Feel differently?  Think everyone should just pitch in and, aw shucks, we can all live happily ever after?  Go for it, as long as you realize what that means - that means everyone else gets to decide what you do with YOUR shit.  And if that is what is most important to you, great, go for it.  Build your system from the bottom up and go nuts dumbass.

4: REMEMBER, THIS IS AMERICA

(Pictured: Freedom)

If you ever get confused just remember that a bunch of people a whole crap ton smarter than you figured this shit out a long time ago.  That's why they invented the Consti-frickin-tution.  You know, that awesome thing that lets us say what we want, have awesome guns, worship who we want, drink alcohol, not drink alcohol, and then drink alcohol again!  You may think you're smarter than the constitution, and maybe you are.  But more likely you're a no-talent chump who doesn't know his cooter from a hole in the ground.  So just look the other way and vote Libertarian already, they're never going to win anyway so at least you haven't blown it too hard.

Bangarang fools!

Doc Awesome

LESSON #22 - How to restart a FLIPPIN' blog!

What has it been?  FOUR YEARS since I blogged last?  Yeah, thats about right.  I ditched you LOSERS.  I was busy.  Busy with ninja stuff.  No really, I've spent some time learning Kung Fu.  Which while not strictly "ninja" stuff is actually pretty flippin' awesome.  Can I do this:

(Pictured: Sweet Kung Fu move I can't do)

No, of course not.  Thats ridiculous.  I'm awesome, not a Kung Fu god.  But I WILL be someday.  And then I'll be doing this move while flying through the air at 60mph, into someone's FACE.  Bet on it.

So what else have I been doing?  Some doctor stuff.  Its true.  And some Dad stuff.  I have a kid now.  He's not awesome yet, but he's getting there.  Try to remember only half of his genetics are mine, so he's got a mountain to climb before he's as awesome as me.  So far he's into the alphabet, dinosaurs, and murder machines.  Like I said, the kid is on his way.

(Pictured: Murder Machine)

I also moved.  That sucked.  If I ever start a blog on things that are NOT awesome moving would be on there.  Have you ever lifted an entire fridge over your head while carrying a 4 year old in your off arm?   Because I have.  Maybe.  That might not be strictly accurate.  But it IS strictly awesome.

So today's lesson is how to restart a How To Be Awesome Blog.  Basically here is how it worked for me. Some stupid asshat posted a comment on my Mark Wahlberg section about how Mark Wahlberg sucked.  Well EFF YOU buddy!  I don't need your shitty comment on my blog.  So basically, it was indignation and stubbornness that got me to this point.  I had totally forgotten about teaching you nyerds all this awesome stuff because I was busy doing even more awesome stuff.  But then some butt bucket has to have an opinion different than mine.  And I get that everyone is entitled to their shitty opinion, even if it is wrong.  But keep it to yourself.  Wahlberg is dope af.  He even beat up a Transformer, or something.  I'm sure it wasn't Grimlock.  It was probably one of the shitty ones like Bumblebee.  But still.

Anyway.  I have shit to do.  So I am going to be lazy and post some awesome pictures.  Maybe I'll post again before another 4 years is up.  MAYBE I WON'T.  You'll have to stay tuned to find out.

(Pictured: Something that actually happened)

One of those people riding that T-Rex is Mark Wahlberg.  Check wikipedia, assholes.

(Pictured: The nanny from "The Jetsons" wailing on a guitar and kicking ass)

Balls to the Whalls!

Lesson # 21: HOLY CRAP, RON SWANSON

Holy crap it has been a while since I last posted.  This seems to be a recurring problem.  And by problem I mean not a problem at all because I do what I want.  I'm off the chain.  People think they know me.  You can't know a Ninja.  The minute you think you know a Ninja, BAM, you're dead.  Just ask any dead person ever. 

So whats up people?  You ready to be smacked in the face with a flying roundhouse boot full of badass?  Of course you're not.  Because you're a chump.  Probably.  If you're not, and you happen to be ready for this.  Good.  Because today we are going to talk about Ron Swanson, and why this world is a better place because of him.

So who is Ron Swanson?  WHO IS RON SWANSON!?  What have you been living under a rock stuck in a cave locked in a vault?  Are you a hipster fool who thinks he's to cool for prime time TV?  If you are, leave.  I hate hipsters.  Hipsters suck.  Anyway.  This, is Ron Swanson:

(Note the mustache)

Ron Swanson is the manliest man to ever live.  His peers include Yukon Cornelius, Nikola Tesla, Genghis Khan, and Hercules.

But this wouldn't be a lesson if I didn't explain it out for all you hipster chumps out there.  Lets break it down (can't touch this).

1)  The Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness:

(Highlights include:  Rage, Living in the Woods, Deer Protein, Weapons, and of course: America)

This is pretty much a guide to life for everyone.  Well, almost everyone.  I am currently working on my own Pyramid of Awesomeness.  But that's more like a guide to being awesome.  

2)  Mustache:  If you didn't see this coming please review lessons 1-20, paying special attention to 3 and 10.  And my sweet glob, look at that mustache.

3)  Libertarian:  Ron Swanson is a Liberterian.  He believes in minimal government and maximum liberty.  He doesn't even like when people know his address.  Because seriously, thats nobody's business but his.  He may work for the Park's service, but he works to bring down Big Brother every chance he gets.

4)  ALL the Bacon and Eggs:

 

(courtesy of Dave Mott <- Stay awesome Dave)

Hells yeah.  Ron eats all the bacon and eggs.  It calms him down.  Any guy with the intestinal fortitude to handle ALL of the bacon and eggs is a man worthy of respect.  And a statin.

5)  Fashion:  As in, he doesn't bow to it.  Thats for hipsters and chumps.  Ron goes Ron's way, and understands that the essence of true awesomeness is to forgo that kind of mullarchy and sack up.

(Women not included here)

Ron is a Man's man who lives by his own rules and doesn't need your garbage.  In fact, he doesn't need anything. Take a look at the pyramid suckers, SELF RELIANCE ranks pretty high.  Its under Haircuts and Wood Working.  Booyah.

That is it for today.  Come back soon for more in your face lessons on how to be totally awesome.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #20: NERDS

Fresh is our return bitches. So here it is: Lession 20. Some of you haters thought it would never come. Well guess what, that's what your mom said. But it came. Oh, it came. Hey-OH!

Now, I can tell right now, from all the way in wherever the hell that I live, that some of you are already doubting this post. You're thinking "Doc... are you sure that Nerds are awesome?" and I am here to tell you that I am damned sure. So without further wait, here are the many reasons why Nerds are max awesome, and deserve some respect.

1) Space. Thats right bitches, OUTER FLIPPING SPACE. Now, I have briefly covered this before, in UNIT 2. Well guess what suckers, its time for a review. Space is awesome. For one, you don't have to fool around with the chumpiest of the 4 elemental forces: Gravity. Since the dawn of man we have dreamed of escaping Gravity. Well finally a few badass soviets and Yuri Gagarin blasted on fucking silo full of rocket fuel right out of the atmosphere and the hell away from gravity. They rode several HUNDRED THOUSAND KILOGRAMS of ready to blow flame blowing monster missile straight the hell out of here. And the whole time you know Gagarin was giving Gravity the Russky equivalent of the finger the whole time. BTW, the Russian equivalent of the finger? Its this:

Vigo also gives Gravity the finger...s

Now, here's what you're saying... "Doc, thats because Russians are awesome, not Nerds..." BUT WAIT, thats CHUMP logic. Purge yourself of that kind of fool thinking. Because I'm here to tell you that the only reason that Rocket didn't blow up on ignition, the only reason that shit flew straight, and the only reason people cared about space anyway was NERDS. Thats right, you can thank these guys:

Graphing Calculators, raise your hands if you had one.

Because it takes Engineering, mad Engineering to get that kind of mad science going. It takes nerding on levels even I have trouble imagining. So pay respect bitches!

2) Babes: If you doubted it was on the list, you need to reread all of my lessons. Because fools, not only are there nerd babes:

She's not a nerd because she plays, she's a nerd because she's INTO it.

But Babes LOVE nerds. Why? Because nerds make money. See here is where we make an important distinction. A lot of people don't know the difference between Nerds, Dweebs, and Geeks. Well let me explain,

Nerds:

Crowbar: Standard nerd equipment.

Dweebs:

Oh, I know you know who he is.

Geeks:

Never like this. NEVER.

See what I mean? That guy up top... he is up top in two ways. First, I listed him first. Second, guys like him run the world with money and power (and crowbar pranks). And they got that money and power by embracing their nerditude. They ran with it. And now they are literally swimming in money. Whole giant VAULTS of it! Or maaaaybe that was Scrooge McDuck. But whatever, it makes no difference. Nerds are smart, and the nerds that use that go on to get rich. And if there is one thing Babes love its a guy who can provide for himself. On his list of things to do I think Bill F. Gates can go ahead and check that one off. NERDS FTW.

3) ME. WHOA! Some of you may not believe this. It seems impossible. How the hell could I possible be a Nerd? Can Ninjas even be nerdy? How is that even possible!??!!1!!one!!! *head explodes*. BOOM, thats how. You see fools, I am a Ninja, true. But I am also a doctor. And to be a doctor one MUST be nerdy. My whole life I have ridden the fine line, I have lived on the edge. Sure, I party all the time. Sure popularity came to me as easily as indigestion after a Hot Pocket, but at the same time I study hard and made sure to make every class I took my complete and utter biatch. All for two letters suckers:

MD

So now here I sit, not even 30 years old with access to loads of medical technology, mad respect, and enough free time to teach you punks. And the how has everything to do with my inner NERD.

So there you have it folks. All the reasons Nerds are awesome. So if you are a Nerd, chin up chump. Stick with it, send people to space, invent pudding, or become a Dr. like me. You'll change the world. You'll cure cancer, you'll invent a car powered by testosterone, you'll travel back in time and bang Cleopatra. All of the above and more. And if you're not a nerd, don't fret. There is still hope for you, you can always become a lumberjack/commando. But still show some respect, because chances are those guys will be signing your paycheck someday.

Balls to the Whalls fools.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #19: Martial Arts Own FACE

*explosion sound*

Greetings students, and fellow purveyors of all that is totally awesome. Its time for another lessons for all of you suckers who want to be like me, or in other words be totally great. Today we are going to talk about a topic too long ignored on this thread. Thats right, Martial Arts. That sexy science of beating ass and taking names. Kung Fu. Beatassery. PWNAGE.

Since everyone here is already assumed to have read earlier lessons, and begun their self study into that which is awesome, I will begin with the presumption that you know what martial arts are. And for the sake of this limited lecture we are going to keep it broad, focusing on any martial art that involves hitting people in the face at some point or another. Basically, no Tai Bo or any of that hippy crap. SUCK IT HIPPIES, GET OFF MY BLOG!

Martial arts have been around at least since the 70's, and maybe longer. I know because thats when the badass pictured above took his explosions/muscles to the big screen and killed literally everyone. And ever since martial arts have been around you know they have been awesome. Why? Well lets discuss:

1. Kicking People in the Face: Once you know martial arts you can literally kick anyone in the face, whenever you want. I know, I know. To the sucktards among you it may seem unbelievable. Just like it did to this guy a few seconds before this picture:
   
   
   "psssh... theres no way you coul... oh shit!"
   
   
   
   
2. Its the first step in becoming a Ninja: Its only logically congruent that one would be able to kick anyone in the face at anytime to be a ninja.
   
   
3. Babes: You knew this was coming. Or at least you should have. You know what Babes like almost as much as being hot and admiring my facial hair? A guy who can unleash his fists of fury on the next douche bag who looks at her butt (that isn't you).
   
   If this picture doesn't give you a boner, you're dead inside.
   
   
4. Self Control: People with self control know whats up. They can levitate, do their taxes, and refrain from masturbation forever! Or at least put it off a little longer. Not that I would know anything about that. I don't handle my own dick, it makes going no. 1 tricky.
   
   
5. Self Defense: You know what isn't awesome? Caching in your ticket to the beat down lottery. Chances are if you look like this you're not awesome:
   
   
   "Has anyone seen my dignity? Or maybe just my teeth?"
   
   
   Your best bet is to be the "other guy". Especially like those guys on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon who had the best Kung Fu. Those guys could fly and shit!
   
   
6. Defend your cookies: Ever since Cookie Monster was forced by PBS and the liberals to stop eating cookies on TV he has gone fucking crazy! And you definitely don't want to be the kind of pansy who has this happen to him:

OM NOM NOM NOM!

Those are the 6 best reasons I can think of. You gotta protect your muthaphuckin neck, AND your cookies. Because seriously, without Babes and Cookies life just ain't worth livin'. So get yourselves some Kung Fu, and make sure your Kung Fu is stronger than everyone else's (except me) and then you know you're one step closer to being totally fucking awesome.

Bangarang!

Doc Awesome

Lesson #18: Consistency is for CHUMPS!

Thats right, for chumps. Listen up you primitive screwheads, this is my BLOGSTICK! And while that sounds more than a little sexual, its true. I have heard a lot of complaints about how I haven't blogged in a while. And while thats true, I am going to need people to check themselves, before they wreck themselves.

Because this shit just got real!

So here's whats up. I have been away a while. I was on Dr. Ninja Call. Its like regular Dr. call, only it lasts several months, I never sleep, consume massive amounts of calamari and PBR, and both heal and kill hundreds of people.

Unfortunately that has left me with little time to give you all the lessons you so sorely need in how to be totally flippin' awesome! But it also provides me with the perfect segue to my next lession: Consistency is for Chumps!

So whats consistency? Its when you stay the same, hold your shape, stay the course, make sense... be predictable. And if there is one thing my profession has taught me is that at best consistency makes you boring and chump-like, and at worst it makes you a chump and dead-like. Or maybe just dead.

The root of greatness, the root of awesomeness is spontaneity. The only thing I am ever consistent about is how spontaneous and awesome I am. And we all know I am awesome. I am pretty sure that means that in mathematics spontaneity + x = awesomeness, where X is a ton of other stuff I have talked about. And you see, before I was blogging all the time. And then BAM, I don't post for a long time. And now I'm back. Bet you didn't predict that. JaaaaaaAAAaaaam!

So lets itemize this shizz. Reasons why consistency is for chumps, and spontaneity is the Jaaam:

1) Keeping people on their toes! Lets face it, boredom can lick my frumunda. And you know whats not boring? When you have no idea what I am going to do next... like THIS!

"you see, the best way to saw down this huge tree is to measure out the.... BAM! SUCK IT FOOL!" <- Me after some chump pimped me on my lumberjack skills. He never saw it coming

That lumberjack up there sure wasn't bored. Those slack jawed mouth breather friends of his weren't bored. I know I wasn't bored. My fist hit his face like a board, but I don't think thats the same thing. And since no one knows who's riding the next train to Painville ND 48823 they watch every move I make. Bangarang

2) Predictability Makes You Easy to Imitate: And lets face it, there is nothing awesome about some douche bag trying to be you. Chances are he won't get it right, but he'll get it close enough that everyone will think of you while they are looking at his sucky face:

*I pity da fool who don't like my crazy ass out of control spending*

See that? Right there... damnit I saw Obama's shitty face, and all I could think about was Mr. T. That BLOWS. When I think about Mr. T. I want to think about beating ass, bling, and explosions, not failed domestic policies and a culture of progressive bullshit. Sorry Obama, but you're a chump and Mr. T rules. Get bent, and take your big government with you. FREEDOM!

3) Because I said so.

4) Because I am pretty sure Sun Tzu, or some other famous badass general said it too.

It was probably this guy. I mean, he only kicked the ass of an entire Nazi army.

Okay, anyway. Thats it for today.

OR IS IT!

6) GOTCHA CHUMPS!

Okay, seriously, thats it. So stay spontaneous, and kick consistency right in the balls for me.

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #17: Yukon Cornelius

Merry mother-effin' Christmas! Thats right you stupid chumps, I said Christmas. Not the holidays, not "tis the season", but Christmas. Burning trees, the winter solstice, the fake celebration of the birth of Jesus, that jolly coronary-risk of a man who eats all of MY cookies, and of course everyone's favorite: YUKON CORNELIUS.

Now please, please tell me that you know who this is. I have a true sadness in my heart for anyone sitting there who doesn't know about THE Christms-time badass. The Claymation Abomination, the Magnificent Miner, that sled dog running mountain of a man himself: Yukon. Picture below:

His moustache curves 5 times! His beard most closely resembles Satan's pubes!

You may know Yukon Cornelius from the time that he saved Christmas by beating the Abomidable "Bumble" Snowman with his bare fucking hands. Or maybe the time that he hurled himself off of a 1000 foot gorge, without a parachute and lived to tell the tale. Maybe he sticks in your mind for his magnificent voice, and his never ending quest for loot, which is of course the true embodiment of the spirit of christmas. Frankincense and Myrrh can suck it. Or what about the time he rode his dog sled to the Moon to save Festivus (thats right, he's involved with Festivus as well). Or maybe the time he brought peace to the middle east and eliminated world hunger.

If you DON'T know about Yukon Cornelius, you definitely aren't awesome. So lets get some solid awesomeducation underway. If you doubt anything about what I say, you are free to watch Yukon do his thing in one of his many films, adult or otherwise. One can be found here, I own it, and you should too:


Yukon Punches Santa in the FACE!


And now the reasons:

1) Epic Moustache! Seriously, did you not know that this was coming? The guy's moustache is huge, red, and covers the bulk of his face. Parts of it also extend outwards and double as melee weapons for when he is saving your ass from Ninjas.

2) Silver and Gold: This mothereffer wants it. And if you have it, he'll probably rip you limb from limb and take it from you. Don't believe me? Just look at the polar ice caps. You think those things are melting? Hell no, Yukon tore them to shit looking for Gold!

3) Guns: He has a bunch of them. A few of them were digitally removed from the film I linked above, because pansy ass hippies got all pissy about a guy kicking this much ass in a movie that kids might watch:



4) Superhuman Strength: He has the strength of 5 gorillas!

5) He's friends with Bruce Willis, who we all know to be totally awesome, and who has also saved Christmas twice himself. You know its true.

6) Dog Sled: Yukon Cornelius doesn't need a car. Cars are for lesser men, weak men. Yukon Cornelius is a God among titans, forged during an age of steel and braun, and he rides around on a sled pulled by dogs, that is capable of spaceflight! These dogs can rend steel in their mighty jaws! He high-fives Jesus and pimp slaps Satan across the face all while racing through the cosmos on his dog sled that can travel at least twice the speed of light. The laws physics flee in terror!

Holy Crap, this guy rules. And if those 6 points don't pound it into your chump face, you're hopeless and should go eat a frisbee.

So Merry Christmas to everyone. May you fight monsters and get tons of loot, just like Jesus did when he was born. Rock and Roll!

Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #16: BACON!

What what bitches! Its BACON. Thats right, BACON. And if you don't like the fact that I spell BACON with capital letters everytime, you're a suckbag. I do this because I must, because damnit, BACON is just that flippin' awesome. And if you thought that a Dr. pimping Kool-Aid was bad, wait till you get a greasy handful of THIS post.

Lets talk about what makes BACON so totally great in every way.

1) Smell. BACON smells. BACON smells flipping great. And the smell of this delicious salted treat is so overpowering that it permeates your entire house. BACON beats so much ass that even the microscopic molecules that escape from its greasy grasp into the air no sooner take flight than they own the face of all other scent molecules. PWNT! What the world needs is some BACON scented air fresheners. And by the world, I mean, my bathroom.

2) Salt. BACON is full of it. Salt owns because it makes everything taste delicious. By proxy, BACON will then make everything taste delicious? Don't believe me, try BACON with ice cream, or with pancakes, or with anything. BACON is even the one food that can make brocolli taste good. I wouldn't know because I never eat brocolli, because green food is for chumps.



3) Strength. BACON has a tensile strength greater than that of kevlar, steel, or even Koolinite. In fact, if the Kool-Aid Man were made of BACON, he would be even more awesome than he is now. What? Didn't think that was possible? Well check yourself, before you find that you have wrecked yourself. I am totally gangsta.


4) Radioactive. BACON is radioactive. It radiates a strange form of electromagnetic energy at frequencies so low that human beings of lesser awesomitude cannot detect. Its called BACONIC Radiation. Its affects people's brains, making them go insane and wreck up the place! It clogs arteries in that extra special delicious way, and makes absolutely no physical or logical sense. SUCK IT LOGIC!


5) BACON powers time travel machines. Like zambonis.



6) Ferris Wheel. I have decided that I am going to build one made entirely of BACON.



7) This picture:


















MEGA BACON SANDWICH!

Okay, I have to go eat now.


Bangarang,

Doc Awesome

Lesson #15: Pirate/Zomboni Driver

I know. You can't believe it. Here you were thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other profession other than Ninja/Doctor or Lumberjack/Commando that would ever match up. And then you read the title of this post, and your mind exploded into a glorious explosion of beer and bbq ribs.

Because thats right chumps. There is another profession that is going to make the list. Well actually, there are two, but we already covered "Pimp/Space Ship Captain" in the lesson about Captain James T. Kirk.

And I'll be honest, this is a tough post to write. Or at least it would be tough if I wasn't so flippin' great that nothing was tough for me *flex*. Because seriously, everything about both of these professions is already self evident enough that it doesn't really even need to be taught. But you chumps need it don't you? Totally.

So lets talk about whats so awesome about being a Pirate/Zamboni Driver.

1) Zamboni > Pirate Ship: Because really, what can a pirate ship do that a zamboni can't? Thats right, nothing. Pirate ships sail on the sea? Zambonis are equipped with hovercraft devices AND smooth the ice. Pirate ships shoot cannons? Zambonis shoot lazers and hot dogs. Zambonis are so awesome, that some doofus invented a beatass fighting sport called "Hockey" that could be played between zamboni rounds. Awesome.

2) Stealing Stuff Rules: as long as its a maritime hobby. Because otherwise stealing shit happens. But bitches, when you're in international waters how else are you supposed to get some booty? Pirates get mad loot, and then they bury it. Which sounds pretty damn awesome to me.

3) Babes: Think you're going to get chicks driving around in your Honda Civic or your Corvette? Forget about it. Now you pull a Zamboni up to the bar, and you're set to jet. Because when you're NOT in international waters, THATS how you get some booty. See what I did there, how I tied that together, oh man, I am totally awesome.

4) Beer: Because the ONLY time its cool to drink and drive, is when you have a sweet ass pirate name like "Black Beard" or "Jolly Roger" and you're driving a flippin' zamboni.

5) Rum: Because you have to chase your beer with something. And if there is one thing that pirates know, its rum. Plus, only Pirate/Zamboni Drivers can drink Canadian Rum:

6) Time Travel: Zamboni's can time travel.

So pretty much thats it. Now you are all educated on the most awesomest professions that ever awesomed. If you can ever manage to be one of those 3/6 professions, you're probably pretty awesome, and need not read further. But if you can't, won't, or don't understand. You'd have better read on. FACE.

Bangarang,


Doc Awesome

Lesson #14: Lumberjack/Commandos!

So which one of you chumps thinks that you can tell me one thing that isn't awesome about being a lumberjack/commando besides the fact that it might prevent you from also being a Doctor/Ninja? Thats right none of you.

And why do you think that is? Because being a lumberjack alone KICKS TOTAL ASS, a

nd being a commando BEATS TOTAL FACE! Doubt it? Look at this guy in the picture below. Its unreal! That chainsaw is probably as big as his penis, which is undoubtedly huge and named "Redwood". But thats not the point. The point is that this guy is wearing flannel and a totally awesome hat. AND, you can't prove that he's wearing pants. I choose to believe what I am programmed to believe, and that is that he is not wearing pants at all. And he's JUST a Lumberjack. Not even a Lumberjack/Commando and already you're donezo.

And what about those glasses?! In my incredibly accurate scientific/medical/ninja opinion they have to be so large and bulky as to contain his lazer vision. Like Cyclops, except not totally sucky. Because Cyclops sucks.

But thats besides the point. What is the point is that Lumberjack/Commandos rock your face constantly. And if you want to be Lumberjack/Commando-Awesome, you need to take some lessons from the stuff these guys do every flippin' day:

1) Cut down huge fucking trees: These trees are huge. And guess what, they get their shit cut down. What do you cut down? On your morning donut intake? Probably. But while you're sucking it up in a cubicle these arborrean nightmares are launching a full scale war on trees.

2) Cut down tree hugging hippies: Because hippies suck. And can suck it. And they want to talk to trees, and pretend that trees give a shit because no one else does. But trees don't, BECAUSE THEY ARE TREES. And if one of those smelly hippies gets in front of a Lumberjack, better watch out. Because I'll wager kool-aid to water that that chainsaw will cut that hippie's shit and still have the umph for the trees. Lumberjacks: 10134, Hippies: -2.

3) Blow shit up: These guys have Grenades. Did you see that?

4) Flannel: Want to make a fashion statement? Get bent. Fashion sucks. Flannel rules. And the fact that these guys wear it in the face of every uppity Parisian aristocrat totally pwns. Gucci can suck it, I'd like to see him weild a chainsaw that big. Flannel FTW. And if their not wearing flannel, its because they are on a secret mission to kill. Watch out!

5) Guns + Chainsaws: WTF!?

6) Babes: Nothing says "I will rock your world in bed" like cutting down a 200 year old huge ass tree and then blowing shit up. Babes can't resist Lumberjack/Commandos. Hell, babes can't resist BEING lumberjacks.

7) Beards: Beards rule. They are like moustaches for your whole face! And not even hippie beards like the Beatles wore, we are talking Man-manes. Lumberjack/Commandos need them to deflect sawdust and shrapnel. If they didn't have them, they would die pretty quick. And that would not be awesome.

So thats it. Long post today, but its a pretty intense topic. PWNAGE.

Doc Awesome